


Lost in the Stars

by NickAllen32



Category: Depeche Mode, Martin Gore (Musician)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/F, F/M, Inspired by Music, Multi, Musicians, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:55:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 59,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26539945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NickAllen32/pseuds/NickAllen32
Summary: When Olivia McPherson meets Martin Gore working on a music video, their lives are indelibly changed.
Relationships: Alan Wilder/Other(s), Andrew "Fletch" Fletcher/Other(s), Dave Gahan/Other(s), Martin Gore/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	1. All the Pieces Fall...

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode. While some of the people, events, locations, tour dates, performances, and incidents are real, the story is completely fiction.

Olivia McPherson was never supposed to have appeared in the music video for “Clean.”

She’d heard of the band, Depeche Mode, in passing. It was her best friend’s favorite band. She’d been to a concert or two, but had no intense interest in them.

She’d only been back in Los Angeles for a few hours when her friend, Tatum, called her with the news that she had landed a role in a Depeche Mode video. Tatum was a musician and a part-time model that _loved_ Depeche Mode. She was _not_ going to pass the opportunity to be in a video with them up. Olivia was excited for her friend and looked forward to seeing the final product. 

Then, things took a strange turn.

First, Anton Corbijn, the band’s creative director, bumped Tatum from the video she was originally supposed to act in because he thought that she was too pretty to have her face obscured. Two weeks later, Tatum called in tears because she was in Bali with her new boyfriend and couldn’t do the video, so she wanted Olivia to do it. 

Olivia refused for two days before she finally relented. Tatum made some calls and by the end of the day, Olivia was contacted by Teresa Conroy, the band’s American press manager. Teresa and Olivia went over little things like Olivia’s age and whether she was local. Once that was out of the way, Teresa gave Olivia the logistics of where to go for the video and asked for her size. She gave them to Teresa and the call ended shortly after.

...

Three days later, Olivia arrived at Anton Corbijn’s apartment. She still knew nothing about what she was going to be doing and hoped that this wasn’t some seedy casting couch situation.

When she finally found Anton, she introduced herself. He took one look at her and said, “You’re short.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow and replied, “Maybe you’re just tall.”

“You’re prettier than the first girl I’d hired.”

“Are you even serious right now?”

“I like you. You’re funny, but your hair is too long and dark. I guess it’ll do. There’s a swimsuit for you. Please go change. The bathroom is to the left.”

Frowning, Olivia went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Then, she changed into the one-piece swimsuit she was given. She was glad that it fit her and wasn’t revealing, so she put it on and threw her hair into a messy bun. When she was done, she walked out to the patio and jumped into the pool at Anton’s request.

The direction was simple enough. She had to swim around in the pool, get out, wrap a towel around her waist and then walk into the house, drawing the curtains closed. Unfortunately, it was easier said than done.

It was either too bright or not bright enough. She was swimming from too far away or too close. She tripped on the towel she was supposed to wrap around her waist, and they had to start all over again. Her bun came loose and once she got it straightened out, they had to start over.

Five hours later, Anton was finally satisfied and called it a wrap. Olivia was exhausted, annoyed, and cold. After she changed back into her clothes, Anton approached her with the camera cradled in his arms and said, “Good work, Olivia. Tomorrow, we’ll be on a soundstage with Dave.”

He walked away before Olivia could respond and it was good that he did. If he’d stayed even a minute longer, she would’ve tore into him about everything from their awkward exchange to the fact that she looked like a drowned rat and she now had a blood blister on the middle of her foot. She couldn’t help but think that she hadn’t graduated from a prestigious drama academy so she could work in music videos.

After she dried herself off and changed back into her clothes, she decided to see how things went at the soundstage before she quit for good. On the ride home, she hoped that things would be better. The good thing was that she was going to have someone to complain to in Dave, whoever he was.

...

When Olivia arrived at the soundstage, she got the feeling that something was very wrong. 

Anton was speaking with two women, or a woman and possibly a teenage girl. The blonde woman that Anton was talking to seemed upset, and he was projecting that energy back. The taller woman, who was the younger of the three, seemed to be the peacekeeper and she kept pointing to the sofa, where someone was sitting. 

She had no idea about what was going on except for when she overheard a couple of women on the crew gushing over the person on the couch, who was apparently not Dave. Olivia couldn’t tell who it was because the lights were too dim, but she wasn’t excited because no one thought to tell her that there had been a change until she was on set. Finally, one of the women realized that Olivia had arrived and began to apologize profusely as they headed to the dressing room. 

Her outfit for the day was a bikini and a sheer white shirt. Olivia thought the bikini was ugly, so she just left her own bra and panties on as she preferred the demi-cut black bra and low rise, full coverage black panties that she was already wearing to the full coverage halter-neck black bra and black thong she was supposed to put on. 

While the woman, whose name was Courtney, was doing Olivia’s makeup, Anton came in and he looked drained. Annoyed, Olivia said, “What in the hell is going on? Is Dave here?” 

The director sighed and shook his head. “Dave is not coming. Instead, you will be working with Martin.”

“Who is Martin?”

“He’s small like you and doesn’t talk that much. I think you’ll like him.”

Olivia rolled her eyes at Anton as he walked out. Once her makeup was done, Courtney put Olivia’s hair into a ponytail and dusted a touch of scented powder across her décolletage while gushing about Martin. Apparently, he was sexy, weird, and had a reputation of being kinky in bed.

When she stepped back onto the semi-dark set, she felt Martin staring at her, but he quickly turned the other way when the room brightened. She frowned once she realized that they’d met before but Anton suddenly appeared in front of her to tell her the gist of the video: She and Martin were supposed to watch the videos playing in front of them and kiss occasionally. Then, they were supposed to have a passionate interlude before she took his hand and led him off-screen. 

Olivia had done a fair share of on-screen kisses, but not enough to consider it passionate. She also wanted to know how “passionate” the interlude was supposed to be. Tatum had played her the song, and there weren't any interludes during it that seemed worthy of passion. The song was actually intense and depressing to her, so she wished for the best and prepared for the worst.

The lights went down low again and Anton called “action.” The entire room turned blue and the air conditioner came on, making it chilly. Olivia took a deep breath and walked to the sofa where Martin was sitting with his knee propped up, waiting. His eyes flickered to her briefly and it made her stop in her tracks; stunned, breathless, and confused as to what she’d done to warrant the angry look he’d just given her. 

Anton stopped filming and hissed, “What are you doing? Why did you stop?”

She froze and then replied, “I — I —Sorry.”

Anton sighed. “Let’s start over. Action!” 

Martin looked at the camera and then turned his attention back to her. This time, she continued to walk to the sofa.

Although his glance made it seem as though he didn’t want her anywhere near him, his energy felt the complete opposite and that was what drew her closer. She wasn’t sure if it was chemistry or curiosity, but he was definitely magnetic. 

Once she sat down next to him, Olivia kept her distance, fussed with the ends of her ponytail, and looked at the video playing on the wall.

Anton silently directed them and gestured for Martin to put his arm around her shoulder. It took her a moment to maintain her equilibrium and move in closer, remembering that she was working. He was warm and smelled good, but the small smirk did not endear her to him. 

When Anton moved behind them with his camera and told them to kiss, his lips softly touched hers and then, the kiss was over. They stared at one another for a couple of seconds and she turned back to the wall first, pretending to be more composed than she actually was. 

Martin’s gaze remained on hers a little longer before he turned his attention back to the wall and Anton whispered to Olivia, “Kiss his ear.”

She turned to look at the side of Martin’s face and then leaned in close, trying hard not to make it sound like she was breathing hard in his ear. It made him flinch and he briefly touched her knee when she kissed his pierced earlobe. The combination of the softness of his earlobe against the steel of the earring on her lips was alluring as she laid a peck on his ear.

The video on the wall changed and she went back to watching it before Martin leaned towards her, “I’m going to kiss you.”

She turned to look at him as he leaned in and kissed her again. This time, the kiss was longer but careful. She felt the arm he had around her shoulder tense up but continued to play her role. 

The video in front of them played and both Olivia and Martin remained silent. She got the feeling that he wanted to say something, but he didn’t say it. His hand relaxed against her shoulder and she moved just a little bit closer to him before he whispered, “Can I kiss you?”

She frowned in confusion, as kissing was part of the job, until it dawned on her _what_ he was asking. When he lowered his knee from the couch; the butterflies in her stomach started fluttering hard and she couldn’t speak, let alone answer him. She turned to look at him, not knowing what to anticipate and anticipating it all the same. Slowly, he returned her gaze, leaned in, and let his lips touch hers.

He placed two soft kisses on her lips, laying his free arm against her shoulder. She kissed him back right before the kiss deepened and his head moved upright, letting his tongue brush against hers. There was a small part of her that worried that they were going to lose control if they kept going, but she let her fingers tentatively touch the shorn area of his head, right above the base of his neck. 

He gently laid her down on the couch without breaking the kiss and even though she questioned if this was supposed to be part of the video, she demurely moved her legs apart so she was comfortable with his body on hers. Then, the stage-kissing was over and Martin was kissing the side of her face and her ear before moving to her neck. 

No one had ever kissed her that well, not her boyfriends or her co-stars. No one. No one had the ability to make her feel as alive and as needy as Martin had. She didn’t even know what real desire was until meeting him, when his lips touched her breastbone and the mounds of her breasts as her fingers absently grazed his face.

The room went dark for a brief moment when Martin’s mouth returned to hers. It was then that she stopped trying to do anything other than go with the carnal instincts she didn’t know she had, following her co-star. Anton went from director to spectator as Martin sat up and moved backwards before carefully guiding Olivia to him, their lips meeting again. 

Less than thirty seconds later, he pulled her onto him and the only way it could work was if she wrapped her legs around his waist. Anton must have noticed Olivia’s hesitation because he whispered for her to do it. So, she wrapped her legs around Martin’s waist and they went back to kissing.

Despite their position, Martin was extremely respectful of her and didn’t cross any boundaries. He just continued to kiss her but he kept her lower body at a distance from his. It wasn’t hard to see his reaction to what they were doing. The knowledge sparked her curiosity. She wanted to touch him there, but that would have crossed all kinds of lines.

One of his hands went from her shoulder to her hip before it slid up her thigh and remained there for a time while the other pulled her hair out of her ponytail. Suddenly, he ran the hand on her thigh up her arm and his other hand pressed against her back. It was like she had been shocked by an electrical current and the feeling startled her.

He laid down on the couch with her on top of him and she let out a shaky gasp. Martin stopped and caressed her cheek as he whispered against her lips, “It’s okay.”

Olivia relaxed and Martin kissed her bottom lip, keeping his hand against her back while the other hand clutched her shirt and her legs tightened around his waist. Once his hand casually slid from her shoulder blades to the small of her back, she wondered if he had followed the trickle of sweat that had trickled in the same direction beneath her shirt.

His hand then moved to the back of her head and he kissed her harder, his eyes closed and his face serene as if he was dreaming. She wanted him. She wanted him and she wanted a lot more than to kiss him, even as he touched her cheek again. Then, Anton directed Martin to sit up and Olivia to take Martin off-screen, and the magic was gone.

Martin reluctantly stopped kissing Olivia and looked at Anton, flushed and breathing raggedly. He was bracing himself on the couch when he looked back at her. She moved off of his lap slowly and stood shakily before walking off-screen with Martin. Anton then called it a wrap and thanked them for their work, happy that they were able to get it done in one take.

Olivia made a quick getaway and took several deep breaths before she splashed cold water on her face and neck, unable to get rid of the sensation of Martin’s lips on her skin. Then, she put her hair back in a ponytail and changed into her clothes, feeling soft and still too warm.

When she returned to the set, Anton and the crew were gone and Martin, who had thrown his leather jacket over his tank top and a hat on his head, was waiting to leave. She didn’t know what to say after everything they’d done and she’d been hoping that he would have been gone, but he wasn’t. When his eyes landed on to hers, he smiled at her and she smiled back. “Oh. I thought— I thought everyone would have left already.”

Martin shrugged. “I’m just waiting on a car to pick me up. Los Angeles is hard —”

“ — to get around. Right,” Olivia replied.

“Are you okay? Did you need a ride? I can ask the driver to bring you —”

She shook her head. “No. I’m good. I have someone that’s going to come and get me. So, yeah. It was nice meeting you, Martin.”

Just as she turned to leave, he managed to catch her hand. Puzzled, she looked at him and he replied, “We’re — the band is — performing tonight at Dodger Stadium. I would like for you to come. I can have a backstage pass waiting for you, if you want.”

“A backstage pass?”

“Yes.”

“Sure. Why not?”

“It would help if you gave me your name so I know who to leave it for.”

As soon as she realized that she had spent almost two hours making out with him and he didn’t even know her name, she felt like she could have punched herself. “Olivia. My name is Olivia, um, McPherson.”

Martin smiled and nodded. “Good. It’s nice to meet you, Olivia McPherson. I’m Martin Gore.”

She smiled and then, Martin’s car arrived. Just as they began to part ways, she said, “I think we’ve met before. It was last year in Italy. I was with my—he introduced—we talked a little.”

Martin frowned and she watched as a small smile dawned on his face. “I remember you. I’ll see you tonight?”

“Yes. You’ll see me tonight.”

Olivia waved goodbye to Martin and watched as he got into his car. Once she got home, she saw that Tatum’s had left her two messages. So, she called her friend back and told her that the video shoot was fun but didn’t get into specifics. 

Once she hung up with Tatum, Olivia listened to the message she’d received from her agent and the message she received from her mother. She chose to ignore those and after taking a cold shower, she laid down in her bed and thought about the hot and heavy make out session she’d returned home from.

...

When she woke up from her unexpected nap, she only had an hour to get ready for the show. She jumped out of bed and rummaged through her closet until she found a pretty, cropped blouse and a pair of jeans that she really liked. She didn’t want to seem like she tried too hard, but she didn’t want to look like a slob either.

After a brief shower, she put some makeup on her eyes and straightened her hair just a little. She then looked at herself in the mirror one last time and then called for a cab to head to Dodger Stadium. 

She managed to get to the concert on time and picked up her ticket and backstage pass from will call. The seat was in the front row, in an extremely enviable place. She was close enough to touch Dave when he kneeled down and reached out to the audience. He smiled at her and Olivia’s hand connected with his for a moment, but she didn’t get the same thrill she’d felt when Martin touched her.

When Martin stepped forward to do his solo performance, his eyes found hers and lit up before he began to sing “I Want You Now.” Olivia looked around to see if he was perhaps looking at someone else, maybe someone behind her, but he was looking directly at her so she looked back at him. The applause broke them out of their revelry and then he went on to his next song, which was “World Full of Nothing.”

The show seemed to go on forever after Olivia had her moment with Martin. When the concert was over, she felt punch-drunk and wasn’t sure she even wanted to go backstage at first. She decided to because she owed it to Martin for going through the effort of reserving the ticket and pass for her. She showed her pass to a roadie named Jimmy and was ushered into the green room, where Martin was sitting with the rest of the band. He smiled up at Olivia and said, “You came.”

“I did,” Olivia replied.

Martin made a space for her to sit down next to him and the other band members introduced themselves before going back to discussing that evening’s performance. Dave wasn’t happy with his vocals on “Master and Servant,” although Alan thought that it was fine. Andy thought that Martin sounded a little flat and Alan disagreed about that as well. Martin shrugged off the criticism and decided that he wanted to go out, which sounded like a good idea to everyone. Jimmy said that there was a club nearby, so that was where everyone headed.

On the walk, Olivia got cold so Martin gave her his jacket. They didn’t talk, but she was fine with that. It was a comfortable silence and she didn’t know what else to talk to him about. It would have been weird to bring up what happened on set and she didn’t want to talk about her former career. She wanted him to kiss her again but she wasn’t going to tell him that, either

The first thing everyone did when they arrived was order drinks. The band ordered beers but Martin noticed when Olivia ordered a coke. While no one was paying attention, he asked her if she wanted something other than a soda and she explained that she did but she couldn’t order one because she wasn’t turning 20 until November. Martin then asked to see her ID, to make sure that she was actually an adult. After she showed him, he ordered a glass of whiskey for her. 

The whiskey went to her head quickly and it helped her relax, so she asked Martin to order two more. While people-watching, he looked over at Olivia and said, “So, we met last year in Milan.”

Olivia nodded and replied, “We did.”

“You were wearing a blue dress.”

She frowned. “You remember the dress I was wearing?”

“Yes. It was a beautiful dress.”

“You’re weird.”

“I also think that we had a conversation, but the details are foggy.”

Olivia shook her head. “It’s not important. I was in a bad mood that night and the conversation was just...I was in a bad mood.”

“No. Wait. You had — there was a guy that introduced us. He was your man, I think. He treated you like a trophy. You said that — you told me that you were going to break up with him.”

She drank the last swallow of her whiskey and then looked at Martin. “I did. I mean, I didn’t do it that night, like I said I would, but I did.”

Martin, who was on his fourth beer, still hadn’t taken his eyes off of her. Then, he touched a lock of her hair and she felt butterflies in her stomach, “I think Anton liked you.”

“Well, I thought that Anton was an asshole,” she replied.

“Anton’s very peculiar.”

“So are you, but you’re not an asshole.”

“That’s because I’ve kissed you and bought you drinks.”

They both went silent and Martin took a long pull of his beer. Then, he sat the bottle on the table carefully and leaned forward, kissing her. It was a gentler version of the kiss that led to their make out session earlier that day and she gladly kissed him back. 

When they parted, he ordered two glasses of water and she caught her breath. A few minutes later, the server came back with the water and Olivia took a few gulps. Martin also drank some of his water and said, “I know this is really forward, but I’m going back to my hotel room shortly...and I would like for you to join me.”

She nodded and he smiled. It wasn’t too much longer before he took her hand and led her out of the bar with his jacket draped around her shoulders. He didn’t call for his car but luckily, they were able to catch a cab.


	2. Such Selfish Prayers...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia gives in to temptation and then later catches up with friends and family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode. Some of the people, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

The ride back to the hotel was silent, with Martin’s fingers locked with Olivia’s. She was nervous about having sex with Martin because they’d just officially met earlier that day, but she thought back to the only conversation she’d ever had with her mother about sex. 

When she was 12, she ended up making out with her 16 year old co-star and it went a lot further than she expected. So, she freaked out and told her mother. Her mother’s response wasn’t of worry or anger. Instead, she smoothed her daughter’s hair. “We’re not normal people, Livia,” she said, “We’re from LA. Normal people think about whether it’s wrong or no to have sex on the first date. People like you and I have better things to think about, like where to make lunch and dinner reservations.”

Now, Olivia was sitting in the back of a cab next to Martin and she was afraid, although there was this feeling deep inside of her that whatever was going to happen was right. Then, he put his arm around her shoulder and she relaxed against him. 

When they arrived at the hotel he was staying in, he paid the cab driver the little cash he had left and took her hand as she got out. Then, they walked through the lobby with a single purpose. There were fans calling for Martin and asking him for different things. Some wanted autographs. Some wanted hugs. Some wanted pictures with him. Some just wanted Martin to simply notice them.

He stopped and was gracious with the fans as he gave them what they wanted. He smiled and was warm and hospitable, but he never strayed too far from her. There were a couple of moments where he even looked to make sure she was still there. Once the fans were satisfied; he went back to Olivia, took her hand and walked with her to the elevator. 

His room was on the 23rd floor and the elevator ride there felt like it took much longer than it did. His grip on her hand tightened and she understood his tension because she felt the same way. It was almost too much for her to be alone and not kiss him. Just as her lips parted for her to speak, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. It was a blessing and a curse.

The closer they got to his room, the faster her heart beat against her chest. They’d both had time to take care of the need themselves and she almost wondered out loud if he had, but kept it to herself. Although she knew she wasn’t wrong to want him, she also considered running for the hills when they finally reached the door. As soon as it was open, he turned back to look at her and finally let her hand go, giving her the freedom to make her choice.

They stared at each other for a moment and Martin nervously covered his top lip with his bottom lip before walking into the room, not moving far from the door. Olivia followed him inside, took off her shoes, and hoped that she wasn’t making a huge mistake. 

Olivia looked around the room while he was busy doing other things. The dimly lit room was decorated with muted colors. A couple of Martin’s bags were open while the others had been untouched. His guitar sat on the lone chair in the room, propped against the wall. 

The bed was still unmade and the nightstand on that side held an open book, eyeglass case and a half-full water glass. She didn’t notice any condoms and wondered if he’d planned on inviting her to his room or if he’d planned on giving her some excuse so he wouldn’t have to diminish his own pleasure.

The room still held a faint scent of his cologne. It permeated the air and she was sure that she would never forget it. When he turned on the radio, the butterflies in her stomach went away so the moment she felt the heat of his body behind her, she turned around to face him and took off his jacket.

He cupped the back of her head and pulled her into a kiss that ignited a flame within her. It was the kind of kiss she’d heard her friends and co-workers talk about but had never experienced herself. It danced between pain and pleasure and when Martin began to kiss his way down to her neck, she gasped and whispered, “Wait. Martin, are you filming or planning to film us?”

He stepped back and replied with a frown, “No. Did you want me to?”

She shook her head. “N-no. I just didn’t want to be interrupted because of any, like, angle changes or anything.”

He frowned deeper. “I’m not filming.”

“Okay. Good,” Olivia murmured as Martin went back to kissing her neck. His fingers grazed the skin her crop top exposed while she gripped his forearms. When she decided to take off his shirt, he managed to part from her long enough to lift his arms and he soon followed suit with her shirt before kissing her again.

There was a lot of touching and kissing. They took off each other’s clothes and explored one another’s bodies until they were breathless and wanting more. Martin then guided Olivia to his bed and kissed from her lips to between her thighs. 

Olivia’s body writhed while her gasps and moans combined with Martin’s and filled the room. He applied himself as if he had no other goal than to give her as much pleasure as possible, and it was working. When she felt herself getting warmer and the knot in her belly getting tighter and tighter, she whispered his name and asked for him to put it in. He assured her that he was almost done and slipped two of his fingers into her. That made her feel even more frantic and unsure of why she felt that way.

Her breathing grew faster and her moans got louder as the knot grew tighter and tighter. She wasn’t sure if she was having an orgasm until the knot finally snapped and her body arched as pleasure raced through her. Martin hadn’t stopped but he murmured his astonishment when he felt her clench around his fingers. Then, he peppered small kisses on her inner thighs and sat up, taking his fingers away and letting her come down.

Although she was completely sated, Olivia wanted to do the same for Martin. She sat up and kissed him, moving from his mouth to his face and then to his neck as she asked him to lie down. Before he did, he grabbed a condom from his nightstand drawer and she laid him down on his pillow, kissing her way to her destination. Just before she was going to take his erection into her mouth, he lifted her face and said, “I don’t..that’s not a good idea.”

Embarrassed and wounded, Olivia sat up and grabbed the sheet, covering herself with it. “I know what I’m doing, Martin. I — I haven’t done it a lot of times, but I know what I’m doing and I’m old enough to know what I’m doing.”

She tried very hard not to cry, but it felt like she was going to at any minute. Martin saw how upset she was and sat up with a sigh. Then, he ran his fingers through her hair, “It’s not that I think you don’t know what you’re doing or that you’re too young to do it. It’s a question of...I’m halfway there and if you did that, this would be over a lot faster than I want. Tonight, I don’t want it to be over that fast, and I only have the one condom. Okay?”

Olivia nodded and a tear fell down her face. Martin wiped it away and he assured her that he still wanted her before he kissed her. She kissed him back and the condom fell out of his hand as he pulled her onto him, moving the sheet away and revealing her once more.

She began to feel warm again, but it wasn’t followed by the desperate urgency of an incoming orgasm this time. It was just warmth and desire while her hands roamed Martin’s skin, avoiding his lower body. He was so close to her, though, so close. All he had to do was push upwards and he would have been right where she wanted him, but she waited patiently as he picked the condom back up and opened it with shaky hands. 

As he rolled it on, she ran her fingers through his soft, wild hair and gave him soft kisses all over his face. Once he was done, he finally gave her what she wanted and filled her slowly. Martin cried out in exultation and Olivia inquired, breathless, “Did you come?”

He shook his head. “No. We’re good, but give me a bit so I don’t in the next two minutes. Are you alright?”

“Mmm.”

“You feel amazing.”

Before she could say anything, he placed his hands on her bottom and began to move slowly, watching her response. Her head tilted backwards and her breathing became uneven while she held onto his shoulders.

Once their rhythm was established, Martin kissed her breasts and worked his way up until he gently maneuvered her so that she was looking at him again. Then, he began to ask her questions. Was she okay? Was she close? Did she want him to touch her? Did she want to lay down? She nodded to every question except when he asked if she was close and if she wanted him to touch her. 

When he asked her if she wanted to be on top, she let out a moan that was part pleasure and part annoyance. Finally, he stopped answering questions and he paused in order to lay her down on the mattress. Then, he started moving again, whispering, “Oh my god.”

Olivia liked the feel of Martin’s body on hers. Their gasps increased in volume and Martin’s thrusts increased in speed. Olivia felt his rhythm become uneven and she asked if he was close, wondering if he would lie or if she was annoying him by asking about his impending orgasm. He replied that he was but was going to hold off until she was there. Then, he told her again that she felt good while he kept making her feel good.

She closed her eyes and kept moving with him, listening to his breathing shift and began to speed up. He started moving deeper and harder until he moved into a sitting position and pulled her back into his arms, his hands running across her skin softly to contrast his thrusts. Olivia knew he wasn’t going to be able to hold off, so her body followed his and kept up the faster pace.

When Martin let go, spending himself inside of her, his eyes closed and his head fell slightly forward while he moaned softly, his hair falling in his face. Olivia felt like she was witnessing something extremely precious and intimate, so she caressed his cheek and pressed a kiss on his lips. He kissed her back and wrapped his arms around her. The moment was unusual for Olivia but at the same time, she laid her head on his shoulder and took it all in.

Martin held her for what felt like a long time before kissing her on the forehead and pulling out. She laid back down while he got off the bed and told her he had to take care of the condom. Olivia was worn out and shocked to discover that a little more than hours had passed since they had come into the room. The longest she’d ever had sex was only twenty minutes.

When Martin came back into the room, he handed Olivia a glass of water and put the blanket over her. She didn’t realize how thirsty she was until she drank the water in almost one continuous sitting. She then gave him back the glass and he refilled it. When he came back, she watched him take two over the counter sleeping pills and drink some of the water before giving the glass back to her. 

Although Martin offered her some of his sleeping pills, Olivia declined and finished drinking the water. She was already exhausted. He turned off the lights and got in the bed, bringing her to lay on his chest. Then, he whispered, “I don’t usually do this.”

Olivia frowned, trying to figure out what he meant by “this.” At the same time, he was running his fingers through her hair and she wondered if he knew that he was doing it. So, she assumed that he was talking about being intimate after just one night of sex and replied, “I’ve never done anything like this before, the sleeping with someone I’ve just met part.”

He looked at her and she thought that he was going to say something else, but he didn’t. Instead, he kissed her and closed his eyes. Olivia listened to the sound of his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing to help lull her to sleep. After the night she’d had, it was a soothing lullaby.

…

When she woke up the next morning, Olivia heard the shower going and then, it went silent. She didn’t know where she was at first but then, she remembered having sex with Martin and that she was in his hotel room.

Martin came out of the bathroom, dressed and carrying a Bloody Mary. When he saw that Olivia was awake, he kissed her on her forehead. “Good morning. Did you sleep okay?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I had to remember where I was, but I slept fine otherwise. I probably got more sleep than you did.”

He rolled his eyes skyward and chuckled. “My schedule’s always thrown off when we’re on tour, but I got sleep. I would have slept a little longer if I didn’t have a meeting.”

“Ah. There’s the catch.”

Martin frowned. “What catch?”

Olivia sat up in the bed and covered herself with the blanket. “You were too nice to tell me to go home last night and you were probably planning to leave me a note telling me that last night was fun but it couldn’t go any further. That was dashed when I woke up. So, you’re telling me that you’re going to a meeting and when you come back, I won’t be here. Right?”

“Um, yes and no? I did leave a note, but it wasn’t telling you that we couldn’t go any further. I was going to leave my room key with you because I wanted to see you again tonight. I actually wanted to spend all day here with you, but I have the meeting and sound check and the show. So, I gave you my room key so you could do whatever you needed to do today and then come back here or come to the show tonight. There are some shirts in my suitcase if you want to wear one and if I have time, I’ll be sure to buy more condoms, unless you want to take care of that.”

Olivia blinked in surprise and tried to figure out what to say. It was confusing. He confused her. “I’ll grab a box later today. Did you have a preference?” 

He shook his head and on his way out, he gave her a kiss and said that he would see her later, as if they were dating or married already. Then, he was gone and Olivia looked at the clock. She had an hour to take a shower and get home before Tatum picked her up. How she was going to explain having sex with Martin Gore the same day she’d met him, she had no idea.

…

“Tell me everything. No. Don’t tell me everything. Ugh. I wish I was there,” Tatum lamented as she and Olivia walked through Neiman Marcus. “Was it fun?”

“Yeah,” Olivia replied, “the pool part was a little difficult because Anton was annoying. The soundstage part was...interesting. I was originally supposed to do the shoot with Dave but I ended up with Martin instead.”

Tatum fell silent while she processed Olivia’s words. “Martin...hmm, Martin Gore? Mmm, that’s a weird, but interesting choice. He’s cute, but not as cute as Dave or Alan...or even Fletch. Martin dress-wearing Gore? Kind of weird and I thought he was gay or at least bi. Is he a good kisser?”

Olivia shrugged and tried her best to keep from blushing, her face growing hot from the memory of having sex with “kind of weird” and definitely not gay Martin. “It was...okay.”

“I heard from a friend of one of his ex-girlfriends that he’s really kinky in bed, so he guess he’s bi. Oh, now I wish  _ I _ was the one who kissed Martin, just to see how his flag flies. I love you for covering for me but at the same time, I am  _ so _ jealous. That’s a cute t-shirt, by the way.  _ Der Putsch _ ? Didn’t know you were into S&M.”

Olivia smiled and decided not to give any more specific details about the shoot or Martin. She wanted to,  _ needed _ to, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything else. 

When she got home from shopping, there were two more messages from her agent, Ginger, who wanted to catch up over lunch. Instead of avoiding Ginger, Olivia decided to humor her and met the agent at Spago.

As soon as Olivia arrived at the restaurant and sat down, Ginger smiled at her and said, “Ollie, you look amazing. Los Angeles is treating you well.”

“Thanks,” she replied. “How are you?”

“I’m wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life, if we’re being honest.”

Ginger took a long sip of her wine and Olivia ordered a glass of ice water. “I’m  _ living _ , Ginger. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

“Olivia, you should be  _ acting  _ more. You’ve been acting since you were a child. You graduated from RADA last year and since then, all you’ve been taking are co-starring roles in films that will get you nowhere and don't bring out your best.”

“Ginger, have you considered that I don’t want to work on major roles right now?”

“Ollie, imagine if your...”

Olivia sighed. “Please do not finish that sentence.” 

Ginger pulled out a cigarette and sucked on it. “Fuck. I wish I could light this. Ollie, actresses like you are rare jewels. You are one of the rarest. I’ve given you time to study and I’ve given you time to have fun, but I have plenty of lead roles in big films that you would be great for.”

The waiter brought Ginger’s Niçoise salad and Olivia’s glass of water to the table. Olivia sipped her water and then sat the glass down. “Ginger, I don’t even know if I want to keep acting. I’m not sure if I  _ like _ it.”

“That’s the thing. You  _ loved _ it, even if it was for snatches of time. Remember that scene you did on  _ General Hospital, _ the one where you faced off with Luke about helping him despite being a Cassadine? I mean, you were only 13, but that...the fire in your eyes. The defiance in your voice. Olivia, you need more. You’ll be so much happier.”

Olivia irritably tapped her fingers against her water glass and said, “Ginger. I’m happy now. Shouldn’t that be what’s important?”

Ginger speared some of her salad and pointed the fork at Olivia. “You’re fooling yourself if you think that you can continue to go on about living life and not reaching your potential. Soon, you’re going to miss it and I’ll be here with roles when you do.”

…

That night, Dodger Stadium was packed with even more people than the night before. As promised, Martin had left another front row seat and backstage pass waiting for Olivia at will call, and she watched the show in Martin’s t-shirt, which she tied. She’s been back to the hotel room and brought a change of clothes, but she wanted to keep the shirt on a little longer.

Martin had his head down during most of the show and when it was time for his solo performance, his eyes went directly to her again but he looked around until he sang “Sweetest Perfection.” Then, he tried his best not to stare at her the whole time.

After the show, she went backstage and was stopped by a roadie named Pete, who looked like he was a drink away from passing out. “This area isn’t for the general audience. Do you have a pass?”

“Why else would I be back here?” She replied as she took it out of the pocket of her jeans and showed it to him. “Martin invited me.”

Pete looked her up and down, and let her pass with a shrug. She was confused about what had just occurred until she saw the groupies that were being picked out. They were heavily done up and smelled strongly of perfume while she was in a t-shirt, jeans and very little makeup. Still, it was her name that Martin called as soon as he saw her. 

She turned back towards him and smiled just as he reached her. “I was worried that you weren’t going to show.”

He wrapped his arm around her and she took him completely in. He’d showered sometime before she’d come backstage and she liked the way he smelled but instead of mentioning it, she replied, “I thought about disappearing, but I still had your t-shirt and some of my stuff is in the hotel room.”

Martin laughed and licked his upper lip briefly. “Everyone’s in the green room. Ready to go?” 

A couple of the groupies called out for Martin, wanting to finish what he’d started with them. Olivia’s eyes flickered over to the women and then returned to him. “Will any of them be joining us? I don’t enjoy sharing.”

Instead of answering her, Martin took her hand and led her to the green room. Like the night before, the band was sitting and talking about the show they’d just completed. Andy and Alan shared a glance when Martin sat down with his hand still locked with hers and joined the conversation. 

Olivia mostly listened but whenever someone asked her a question, she answered politely. Martin didn’t say much, either, as the band discussed a series of different things. When Pete came in with drinks, she declined but Martin shared his beer with her.

An hour later, everyone had migrated to another nightclub and helped themselves to multiple drinks, a touch of cocaine and a bit of ecstasy. Olivia wanted to take some of the cocaine, but Martin deterred her from it and gave her a small amount of his ecstasy instead. 

Once it kicked it, she felt so light and happy. Life was good and everything was  _ amazing _ . Martin kept a hold on her hand and brought her over to the bar, where he ordered her a soda and he got a beer. 

Although he spoke with Andy, he constantly looked over at her and she smiled at him because she thought he was beautiful. Then, the fans started coming over to him and Andy. Olivia watched as Martin graciously spoke to them and thanked them for their adoration. Andy was a little more standoffish, but he also spoke to the fans. Martin kept turning back to her and it took her a few times to understand that he was making sure that she hadn’t left.

On her part, a few people mentioned how she looked like a screen siren, the US version of Brigitte Bardot or Sophia Loren. Some said that she looked like a child actress who was on The Mickey Mouse Club. She just smiled and nodded, and found Martin looking at her in a combination of awe and desire. Then, they went onto the dance floor and it was like they were the only two people in the entire club. He kissed her cheek and it felt like someone had rubbed silk over the nerve endings of her face. Then, by some stroke of luck, “Clean” started to play. 

Olivia wondered if Martin had ever been in a position where he’d been in a club and a song of his started playing, but she didn’t ask. Before she could, he leaned in and kissed her. It was slow and deep, and she noticed that he had a hard time trying to stop. When they parted, her eyes fluttered open and he whispered, “I quite like kissing you.”

She smiled and he kissed the corners of her mouth. “I like you kissing me, too.”

Their lips met again and then, Martin said, “Are you ready to go back to the room?”

“Yes. I thought you’d never ask,” Olivia replied. 

Martin didn’t take any time taking her hand and walking her off the dance floor. Then, he draped his jacket over her shoulders, and led her out of the club to the waiting limo.

…

Even though she was feeling loved up, Olivia was the most comfortable curled up next to Martin on the drive back to the hotel. Martin absently ran his fingers through her hair and told her about his day. Then, she sat up and said, “I forgot the condoms.”

He frowned. “At the venue or the bar?”

She shook her head. “No. I forgot to buy them. I was with my friend today and I went to see my old agent at Spago, but I forgot to buy them. I’m on the pill, though, if you want to get some tomorrow.”

Martin shrugged. “We can just get some now.”

He asked the driver to stop at a drugstore and five minutes later, the limo pulled up to a nearby Walgreens. Martin put on a hat and stepped out of the car with Olivia, her hand in his. It was late, so there weren’t many people around to gawk at Martin or even guess if that was really him. 

They walked to the aisle where the condoms were and looked at their choices. Olivia deferred to Martin, assuming he had a favorite type, but he looked at her and whispered, “Which ones do you want?”

“I don’t know. Which ones do you usually get?”

“Olivia, you don’t have a preference?”

“I haven’t had sex in six months and I'm on the pill,” she replied, annoyed, “and I’ve never had to buy condoms before. This is embarrassing. I’m so inexperienced with this.”

Martin grabbed a box of condoms that were ribbed “for her pleasure” and a box of condoms that were supposed to be thinner. Then, he and Olivia walked to the checkout counter, where a young woman with dirty blonde hair and a rash of pimples on her chin rang them up. When she looked at them, she gasped and said, “I know you.”

Olivia nodded. “Yes, he is —-”

“No,” the young woman replied, “I’m talking about you. You’re an actress, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Were you the little girl from _The Mickey Mouse Club_?”

Olivia shook her head. “No. I’m not that actress. Sorry.”

“Oh,” the young woman said with disappointment. After putting the items in the bag, Martin paid for them and the young woman gave him his change and the receipt.

On the way back to the limo, Martin squeezed Olivia’s hand and said, “You’re the little girl from _The Mickey Mouse Club_ , aren’t you?”

“Yep,” Olivia replied, sober and exhausted, “I’ll explain more about it when we get back to the hotel.”

Martin put his arm around Olivia and squeezed her. When they got into the limo, he made her get in first and then put his hat on her head before giving her the bag and getting in. She fell asleep on the way to the hotel and he had to wake her up as soon as they got there. Instead of going back to the room, however, she asked him to hang out at the pool. 

With a smile, he brought her to the room and they dropped off the bag, his hat and his jacket. From there, they made the plans for the rest of the night as they went along.


	3. I Never Knew Somebody Like You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia meets one of the important parts of Depeche Mode, and is confronted about her feelings for Martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode. Some of the people, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

When Olivia woke up, it was almost noon and the hotel phone was ringing. Half asleep, Martin groaned and held her tighter before he reluctantly turned over and answered the phone. She watched as he replied to the person on the other end monosyllabically and finally said that he’d be down in an hour. 

With a sigh, he put the phone back on its cradle and said, “That was Andy. Sydney’s on the way for our lunch meeting.”

She sighed and pushed Martin’s hair out of his face. “Should I wait here or go home?”

Martin didn’t answer. Instead, he kissed Olivia, softly at first and then a little deeper before moving to her neck. His hands softly kneaded her breasts, his thumbs rubbing her nipples. One of his hands slid between her legs and as soon as she was ready; he put a condom on, pulled her on top of him, and filled her. 

She held his hands above his head and refused to let him touch her. Anytime she got close enough to kiss, she pulled away. He had to beg her to let his hands go. By that point, she was close and he went silent so he could watch her unravel. 

She moved her hands to his chest and let her head fall back while she rode her climax out, which brought his closer. Martin took her by the hips and started to move a little faster. The volume of his moans increased and when he finally erupted, it took over his entire body.

She laid down on him and when they were catching their breath, Martin looked at the clock and rolled his eyes. “We have to get ready.”

“Isn’t this a business meeting?” Olivia replied.

Martin kissed her twice and reluctantly got out of bed. As he grabbed some clothes from his bag, he replied. “Yes and no. The band has to go over some press stuff, but I don’t think there’s anything that will be discussed that you can’t hear. I have to shower. Care to join me?”

She pushed the blankets aside and got out of bed. When she reached Martin, she followed him into the bathroom and stepped into the shower with him. He washed her hair and her back, which felt amazing. She helped to return the favor, which revealed that he was unbelievably ticklish under his arms. After a moment, she said, “This was _not_ what I expected when we met.”

“I can understand that. It has been fast, but I don’t mind it at all. I like being with you and even though I may be someone who falls in love quickly —”

Olivia took a step back and shook her head. “No. This isn’t love. This is an intense bond based on sex or...whatever but this isn’t love. This _can’t_ be love, Martin. We just met.”

“Don’t you believe in love at first sight?”

“No. We don’t know each other well enough.”

“Olivia, we spent almost all of last night talking about our lives.”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up. I mean, you’re _Martin Gore_. You’re in a band and kinky and groupies ask if you remember them. I don’t know what the hell we’re doing,” Olivia replied.

He looked at her and she could tell that he wanted to say something else, but he turned off the water and said. “Okay. Let’s get dressed. Syd can be early sometimes.”

They both got dressed and Martin threw a hat on. Olivia put on one of Martin’s plain t-shirts, even though she had her own clothes to wear. It felt like she’d been wearing his clothes for years. She just didn’t want to admit it.

...

When they arrived at the hotel’s restaurant, Dave, Alan and Andy were sitting with a strawberry-blonde, bright-eyed young woman, one that Olivia remembered speaking with Anton two days before. Dave was hiding his bloodshot eyes behind his wayfarers but grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Alan looked fairly hungover while Andy was completely sober. 

Martin and Olivia sat down at the table and the young woman frowned, “I know it’s been a few months since I’ve last seen the four of you, but is _she_ part of the band now and no one told me, or is Mart living out the lyrics to one of the songs where ‘little girls’ are mentioned?”

Alan nearly choked on his water and Martin replied, “This is Olivia McPherson, my girlfriend who’s _an adult_. Olivia, this is Sydney Barrett. She’s the junior publicist for Depeche Mode, Daniel’s right hand man and protégée.”

“She’s also as crazy as her namesake,” Alan chimed in. 

“Damn right I am,” Sydney proclaimed as she held her hand out and shook Olivia’s. “Pleased to meet you, Olivia.”

Olivia smiled, “Likewise, Sydney.”

“Wait. Did Martin say your last name was _McPherson_? As in J —”

Olivia shook her head. “I’m sorry. I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Maybe you’ve seen one of my movies.”

Sydney blinked, stunned. “Oh. I thought you — sorry.”

When the waiter approached the table, Martin ordered a Bloody Mary and Olivia ordered a glass of orange juice along with a grilled cheese sandwich. The waiter then asked Sydney if she wanted to look at the alcoholic drinks menu and she looked at him with her eyebrow raised, “I’m an alcoholic. Thanks.”

The waiter sheepishly walked away and Olivia looked at the junior publicist. Sydney’s attention returned to Olivia. “I’m not an alcoholic. I just say that to see what the reaction will be. Also, everyone assumes that because these guys drink like fishes, I can drink a Russian under the table with his own vodka. I _can_ , but I don’t.”

Olivia laughed and Sydney smiled wickedly before she took a sip of her coffee and returned to business, which was to go over the tour itinerary as well as some of her concerns regarding a press junket the band had done during that first leg of the tour. Alan clashed with Sydney, who shut him down by stating that she was doing her job as effectively as she could. The implication that he needed to let her do it hung in the air. 

When Sydney turned her attention to Dave, he was curt with her and quick to give excuses about things he said during the press junket. Sydney remained silent until he was done and then replied, “David, my job is to be your publicist. I’m not your mother. I’m not your girlfriend. I’m not tagging along anymore. I’m not Teresa. I’m not Jo. I’m not Jack. I’m not even your _friend_ on some days. If you don’t want me to be on your ass, then don’t give me a reason to be on your ass. Deal?”

Dave rolled his eyes and the waiter returned with Martin’s drink and Olivia’s order. Martin took a sip of his Bloody Mary and Sydney snatched the glass away from him before he could sit it down. “Martin, would it _kill_ you to use a little more tact when you’re asked a question? Are you not capable of being tactful? Are you always drunk or hungover? What is your problem?”

Martin snatched the glass back and replied, “There’s nothing wrong with being honest or succinct, Sydney.”

“Know what? You’re absolutely right. There is _nothing_ wrong with being honest or succinct. However, there _is_ something wrong with being an asshole and that is how you come off sometimes when you _do_ talk. It’s almost better if you said nothing at all.”

Martin’s tongue slid against his top lip and he took a long gulp of his drink. Olivia quietly ate her sandwich and Sydney looked at her planner again. “The first stop after the break is Sydney, Australia…I’m not going to make a joke about it. There aren’t any interviews scheduled right now, but that can change at any time. Now, I don’t ask for much. All I want is for you guys to answer the questions, don’t be assholes, and have fun. Before I go, Daniel told me that if anyone had things to bring up, you guys need to tell me and I’d relay it back to him.” 

Olivia sat silently and took a couple of sips of Martin’s Bloody Mary when he offered it while Alan and Sydney discussed some of the audio problems happening at the shows. Meanwhile, Dave, Andy, and Martin were talking about something that had happened the week before. 

Olivia liked Sydney a lot, but it bothered her that Martin was quick to call her his ‘girlfriend.’ It made her wonder how often he got serious with women. All the same, she couldn’t deny that she had feelings for him as well and that scared her.

When everyone was done with their meals, the junior publicist paid the check and the band walked with her to the hotel lobby. Meanwhile, Olivia was surprised to see that Sydney was fairly tall, almost statuesque. 

Before she left, Sydney took Martin aside and said, “Is there something you need to tell me, Mart?”

Martin frowned. “What?”

“Are you looking for new legal counsel and you haven’t told Daniel?”

“No? Why?”

“You’re telling me that you’re not dating, or screwing, the biggest lawyer in the country’s daughter because you need him? Everyone he represents never loses the cases against them or the cases they file. He’s the reason I went to law school, and what you’re doing with Olivia has nothing to do with the band?

Martin shook his head. “No. “I’m not looking for a new solicitor, Syd.”

Sydney sighed with relief. “Okay. Just...tread lightly with that one. She’s beautiful and nice, and she’s probably a firecracker in bed, but her father could end up owning you, me, and Mute if you break her heart.”

“I will remember that.”

When Sydney and Martin returned to the group, she gave everyone a hug. While she was hugging Olivia, she whispered, “It was nice meeting you.”

Olivia smiled and shook her head. “Likewise.”

Sydney nodded and turned to Dave, who squeezed her and lifted her off the ground before giving her a kiss on the cheek. Then, he said, “Love you, little sister.”

Sydney smiled, “Love you, too, Wavy Davy.”

Once the junior publicist left the hotel and got into her cab, Alan rolled his eyes as he said, “Dave, you have to stop treating Sydney like a baby.”

“I don’t treat her like a baby,” Dave argued.

Sensing that an argument was about to start between Dave and Alan, Olivia decided to use the opportunity to take Martin aside. “I’m your ‘girlfriend’ now?”

He shrugged “That was just a technicality.”

“Martin, we _just_ met and I’m...provincial.”

“We’ve been around a lot of people and questions might get asked. I don’t particularly like labels, but I like you.”

Olivia’s eyes narrowed. “You’re good at this.”

Martin ran his fingers through her hair and stayed coy when Andy asked him about his plans now that they were on holiday. While Dave, Alan, and Andy went back to their rooms to pack, Martin and Olivia went back to his room, where she went back to sleep.

...

_“You’re the little girl from the Mickey Mouse Club, aren’t you?”_

_“Yep. I’ll explain more about it when we get back to the hotel.”_

After getting dropped off at the hotel from the pharmacy the night before, Martin and Olivia returned to his room and left the condoms, his hat, and his jacket behind. The plan was to go to the pool but around this time, Martin realized that he was hungry. So, they took a walk and found a local Mexican restaurant that was open late. 

Once they placed their orders, they sat down at a table near the back of the restaurant. It was there that Olivia and Martin began to talk about themselves. She started with the story of Victoria Kelly, the famous actress labeled Elizabeth Taylor’s predecessor, and how she met John McPherson, who had just passed the bar exam. Olivia continued on how John wooed Victoria and that he eventually succeeded, which led to their marriage, Olivia’s birth, and the subsequent divorce. Then, she got into her career.

She had been a model when she was an infant but it was sporadic. She had her first acting role at five years of age on a television show called _Where the Hart Is_ , which lasted for three seasons. She went to star on _The Mickey Mouse Club_ for two years starting from when she was ten years old. Then, she starred in her biggest role thus far, on the soap opera _General Hospital_ from the ages of 13 to 15. 

At 15, she graduated high school and had gotten accepted into the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, so her parents pulled her off _General Hospital_. She then told Martin that she believed that they also pulled her off the soap opera because one or both of them had found out about her relationship with one of her older co-stars. Before she could continue, she paid the check and they decided to go back to the hotel.

On the walk back, Martin talked about growing up and his life in Basildon. He told her about his first guitar and when his mother told him that the man he’d known as his father was only his stepfather. Then, he immediately went on to how he’d played in another band before playing in the band that would become Depeche Mode. When they made it to the pool, they took off their shoes and dipped their feet into the water while Martin talked about his previous relationships. 

He’d just finished talking about his on and off relationship with a model when he remembered that he was going to ask how much older was Olivia’s co-star. He regretted it when she told him that her co-star was in his 40s and that she’d lost her virginity to that man in his dressing room when she was 14. 

She wasn’t paying attention to how disturbed Martin was when she began to talk about her time in RADA and meeting Pierce, the guy she was dating when she met Martin in Milan. At the end of the conversation, she acknowledged how her mother’s relationships post-divorce made a huge impact on her. Then, she said that she was tired and once they undressed, she fell asleep in his arms. Martin didn’t fall asleep as quickly.


	4. Falling Just as Hard...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Martin grow closer, and he helps her make a huge career decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode. Some of the people, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Martin had to fly back to London to deal with a few pressing matters with the band and the tour, leaving Olivia in California. He asked her if she wanted to come with him and she said no, but he managed to get her phone number. She knew he was disappointed that she didn’t go with him, but she was on her period and wanted to be alone for the three days that he was going to be gone. 

He didn’t call her until the day after he said he was supposed to be back in the States. When she picked up, he was drunk at a club. He promised to be back soon, but she didn’t believe him until he called her again thirteen hours later from a hotel room in Los Angeles. He was jet-lagged and yet, he wanted to see her. Despite her excitement, she was also a little mad and jealous, worried that he’d slept with someone else. So, she took her phone off the hook and fell asleep.

The next night, when she knew that her period was over and she wasn’t as mad, she went to the hotel and had the front desk call his room. When he came down, they went to the bar and got a couple of drinks, using his ID. Then, he took her to his room, where they had the most amazing, intense sex of her life. That became the pattern for the next five days. 

Every time she left, she felt like she’d shed a layer of herself. Martin showed her things she’d never seen before and made her feel things she’d never felt before. He was the first, and only, man that could shatter her and then put her back together.

A week into Martin’s break, Olivia took a job for another[ music video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd-qI62gNJM) and flew to Hawaii for two days to work with Herb Ritts and a singer named Chris Isaak. Anton had recommended her and even though she didn’t want to be known as a “video girl,” she needed the money. As soon as she returned to Los Angeles, she asked Martin if he wanted to stay with her. He checked out of the hotel the next day and brought his stuff to her place in Silver Lake. 

It wasn’t as grand as the hotel, but it was quieter and private. Olivia liked that Martin got comfortable almost immediately. She hadn’t spent a lot of time in the apartment since her father bought it when she turned 17. At the time, she was living in New York for much of the year and then, she was with her mother. She’d only started living there full time in mid-June. She also hadn’t had any guests other than Tatum, so she liked that Martin was there.

One of the first things Martin did after he put his stuff in her spare bedroom was peruse through Olivia’s music collection. She had a record player as well as a boom box that played cassettes and CDs, so he wanted to see if any of her music was good. 

He was pleasantly surprised by her choices, which ranged from Otis Redding, Marvin Gaye, James Brown, B.B King, and Nat King Cole to The Beatles, Kate Bush, Tears for Fears, Michael Jackson, Pat Benatar, The Bangles, and Madonna. There wasn’t a Depeche Mode album in sight, and that made him like her more. He also noticed her guitar, violin, and flute, but said nothing about them.

That night, she made them tuna sandwiches and popcorn. They watched MTV and talked about different bands. Olivia then turned to Nick at Nite and she curled up in her armchair while _Dobie Gillis_ was on, unconsciously running her fingers through Martin’s hair. 

When Olivia started to get tired, she went to bed and Martin decided to stay up because he was still used to being up late. He took the opportunity to look at her books and play his guitar. He wanted to go out because he was used to going out, but he didn’t know where to go and he didn’t want to leave Olivia alone. It hadn’t happened yet, but he worried that she would wake up in the middle of the night and panic because he wasn’t there. 

At four in the morning, Martin went into her bedroom and found Olivia sound asleep, wearing a threadbare nightgown and holding a stuffed penguin. Although he would have found it disturbing if it was someone else, he thought that she was absolutely adorable.

He laid down beside her and took the stuffed penguin out of her arms. She remained asleep, so he took her in his arms and drifted off to sleep peacefully.

...

Olivia showed him all of her favorite places in the city. They spent hours reading in the stacks at the library, went to the beach and ate ice cream, and watched a movie at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. They spent a night at the Chateau Marmont and ate dinner at the Ivy. She also showed him her ballet moves at a local ballet conservatory.

Martin explained his obsession with religion to her, so they went to a Catholic Church for services as well as a Baptist Church and an Episcopalian Church. Olivia had gone through her confirmation in the Catholic Church as a child so although she hadn’t been to services in years, it felt like she hadn’t missed a thing. They also visited a synagogue and new age shops.

Living together also intensified their sex life. They had conversations about sex and intimacy as well as their likes and dislikes. Martin found an S&M club that they visited a few times and even though he didn’t expect her to partake, Olivia took part in domination and submission. He knew right away that she was better at dominating, but he didn’t say anything. 

They visited a sex shop, where Olivia found some interesting things to buy. She also went to a lingerie store and bought seductive pieces that she thought Martin would like. They spent nights out at different nightclubs and danced for hours. Then, they went home and had sex.

After taking ecstasy; they once spent 48 hours primarily in bed, having sex and sleeping. They only got out of bed to eat or go to the bathroom. Olivia remembered to take her birth control pills but it got to the point where she and Martin started having sex in the kitchen, so she put her pills on her nightstand. 

One morning, Martin returned home from the grocery store and made love to Olivia for the first time. It was so intense for her, she burst into tears and then hid in the bathroom for hours, embarrassed. Martin tried to coax her out and apologized, even though he didn’t know what he was apologizing for. He decided to give her space and left her alone until he found her asleep in the bathtub. Only then did he wake her up to bring her to bed and feed her a slice of cheesecake. 

Martin also introduced Olivia to aftercare. When they were coming down, he would hold her and rub her back in circles. Sometimes, they talked. He cuddled with her. He remembered to feed her and made sure that she had drank water. It made her feel safe, warm, and loved. _He_ made her feel safe, warm, and loved. No matter what position they were in, he was gentle, he took his time, and he always made sure that she came either before him or at the same time as him, if not both. It was insane, but Olivia learned a lot about herself and Martin when it came to sex.

...

The first time Martin knew for sure that he was in love with Olivia was when she took him to a farm that had a beautiful sunflower field attached to it. He’d brought his camcorder, so he thought it would be a good idea to record videos of her. 

She was very photogenic and whenever she looked at him, her eyes lit up. Olivia seemed to be comfortable in front of a camera, and Martin was comfortable seeing her true feelings from behind the camera. 

He didn’t tell her how he felt then. He wasn’t even sure about what he was going to do with the video. Instead, they sat down amongst the sunflowers and eventually, he pulled her onto him before kissing her. The camera was still going.

...

A few days later, Ginger called. Martin picked up and told Olivia's agent that she had just left. When he hung up, he frowned at Olivia and said, “What was that all about?”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “She’s been wanting me to do big studio films instead of the movies I’ve been doing.”

He shrugged. “You should call her back.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Livvie...do you want to do a big studio film?”

“I want to concentrate on us right now.”

He beckoned to her and she lied down next to him. He stroked her cheek and kissed her softly. “What do you think about coming to London with me? I have to go back, and I want you with me. You said no before, but I’m asking.”

Olivia’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I liked being here in Los Angeles with you and I think you’ll like being in London with me.”

She blinked slowly and took a deep breath. “Okay. Yes. I would love to come to London.”

“Good. Now, call Ginger. See what she has to say and then, we’ll get you packed up.”

He leaned over to give her a kiss, but she shoved him away. “You have to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“You’re giving me an ultimatum.”

He frowned. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m just saying that you should see what she wants before we go. If you call her now, you won’t be thinking about it while we’re in London.”

Reluctantly, she picked up the phone and dialed Ginger’s number. It took a couple of rings, but the agent finally picked up. “Ginger Daniels speaking.”

Olivia glanced at Martin and replied, “Ginger, it‘s Olivia.”

“Ollie! It’s about fucking time that you called back. I was starting to think you’d died. There is a role in a film that you’d be perfect for. I gave the casting managers your headshot and they wanted you to come in to audition. How soon can you do it?”

Olivia got quiet and suddenly felt lightheaded. When she sat down, Martin kissed the back of her neck, which helped her relax. She quickly held her hand against the receiver and whispered, “Ginger wants to know how soon I can come in to audition for a film.”

Martin’s eyebrow went up and he replied, “Today?”

After a moment, she nodded and returned to the phone. “Um, I can come in today for the audition, but I’m leaving for London tonight.”

Ginger sighed with relief. “Wonderful. I’ll let them know.”

“Okay.”

“Ollie, you’re gonna get this role and it’s going to make your career explode.”

Olivia said goodbye to Ginger and hung up the phone. After a moment, she looked at Martin and said, “I guess I have an audition.”

...

The audition was in West Hollywood and although Martin wanted to stay with her, Olivia asked him not to. So, he went shopping and she faced off with three casting directors.

Two hours later, she left the audition and found Martin waiting outside with a couple of unmarked bags. When he noticed her, he saw that she had taken down her hair and he said, “What happened? How’d it go?”

She nodded. “Okay, I think. I was in there for a while. I didn’t realize how long.”

“When will you hear back?”

“A few days. They have your number. Are you sure that’s okay for them to have?”

“Yeah. Did you need to get anything before our flight?”

She shook her head and sighed. “I think I’m good. I — today has been a really long day.”

He put his arm around her shoulder and squeezed her. “It’ll be better when we get to London and you have to deal with all of the horrible British television.”

Olivia laughed and poked Martin in the side. “To be honest, I think I can deal with the horrible British television, or anything for that matter, as long as I’m with you.”

Martin laughed but glanced over at Olivia, who seemed to have finally let go of whatever had scared her about being in a relationship with him.


	5. I Could Be Lonely With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin and Olivia arrive in London, and big things begin to happen just as they start to solidify their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode nor do I own their songs. Although some of the people, dates, locations concerts, songs, locations, and events mentioned are real, this is purely a work of fiction.

The flight to London may have appeared uneventful for any onlookers, but it wasn’t to Martin and Olivia. They talked about music and places they’d traveled to. Martin told her about his adventures in Berlin while Olivia told him about the music lessons she took as a child as well as the time she was almost arrested in Stockholm.

They arrived at Heathrow Airport at five in the morning, took a taxi straight to his apartment, and collapsed in his bed.

Sixteen hours later, Olivia was roused from her sleep because the phone was ringing. It had also awakened Martin and he was grumbling. She was a little worried that it was Ginger calling, but it turned out to be Sydney. From the sound of the call, the junior publicist was unaware that Martin had decided to return to Los Angeles and she was angry that he’d disappeared.

Olivia watched as Martin paced around the room, carrying the phone while Sydney scolded him. When he noticed that Olivia had awakened, he mouthed for her to go back to sleep. She shook her head in response. As soon as Sydney stopped yelling at him, he began to answer her monosyllabically and told her that he would meet with her the next day in order to get caught up on what he’d missed.

Once he disconnected the call, he sighed with relief and laid back down. “Sydney’s brilliant at her job, but she’s terribly short-tempered. Livvie, go back to sleep.”

She shook her head. “I’m up now. What time is it?”

“Half nine. I’m thinking we get some takeaway and just hang out. Tomorrow, we’ll explore the city. Clearly, the jet lag will hit sooner rather than later,” he replied. 

“You don’t want to unpack?”

“Not really.”

“What about a tour of the apartment?”

Martin shook his head. “Tomorrow.”

“Martin, I want to go out. I want to do something other than what we were doing in LA and there aren’t a lot of things I could do in the States? I can do more here, so I want you to take me somewhere.”

“Anywhere?” Martin inquired, his eyebrow cocked.

Olivia nodded eagerly.

He smiled wickedly and replied, “I think I can find a place for us to go.”

...

Olivia had heard a lot of things about Turnmills from Tatum, but experiencing it herself was different. 

The club was packed and she lost count of all of the celebrities she and Martin walked past. He stopped at the bar for a few minutes and got a small bag of ecstasy tablets from his friend, which made her heart race with excitement. She thought that they were going to take some but instead, Martin found a dark, quiet corner for them to sit.

While they watched people dancing, a waiter approached their table with two glasses of wine and sat them down. Martin frowned and said, “We didn’t order these.”

The waiter smiled politely. “No, sir, you didn’t. This is courtesy of the young woman over there. She wished for me to bring this over. She also wanted to speak with you and your...companion.”

They looked in the direction that the waiter was pointing and Olivia gasped in surprise. The “young woman” coming towards them was none other than a famous young female pop artist. The waiter moved aside and the singer stood where he’d been. “I hope you like wine. I told Angelo to bring you the best this place had. I’m Madonna.”

Martin smiled politely. “Thank you. I’m Martin.”

“I just heard _Violator_ and really loved it. The juxtaposition of religion and sex made for an... _intense_ listening experience. I was sitting over there and noticed how beautiful your girlfriend is. Does she have a name?”

Martin looked over at Olivia, who nodded slowly. “Um, Olivia. My name is Olivia McPherson.”

“Olivia, what do you do?” Madonna replied, “Are you a singer?”

“I’m just enjoying London right now but I do have an agent.”

“Good. Give me their information and I’ll have my people give them a call. I would love to work with you the next time I have a project.”

Olivia wrote down Ginger’s information on a napkin and handed it to Madonna, who smiled and walked away and Olivia sat in awe while Martin laughed boisterously. “It appears that you have a fan.”

She managed to nervously squint and cover her face with humiliation. “I can’t believe it...Madonna wants to work with me. I’m gonna die!”

Martin squeezed Olivia affectionately and laughed while she squealed with joy that she’d been noticed by Madonna.

...

Olivia and Martin returned back to his house at three in the morning, wine drunk and full of late night take-away. It was one of the most relaxed nights that Olivia had since coming back from New York. 

Although Martin still had the ecstasy, they didn’t take any and he was tipsy enough to want to show her his album collection. It was the first thing they did after he made sure the door was locked and they changed their clothes. He played his absolute favorite ones and explained why they were his favorites. Olivia listened intently. 

Three albums in, he looked at Olivia and said, “I really like you and we haven’t really addressed whether you’re my girlfriend or not because I guess it’s a question of whether you want to be, but I really like you.”

Olivia’s cheeks went red and she replied, “I really like you, too, Martin.”

“So, would you be my girlfriend?”

She slowly nodded and whispered, “Yes, I will be your girlfriend.”

He leaned in and kissed her softly before smiling calmly. “Okay. There are more albums.”

Martin ended the third one early and put on a new one, going over the layers of instrumentation of each song that played. Olivia continued to listen to him as if she was in a lecture back in college. It was interesting to see him so intensely fixated on music, but it also gave her a chance to see why he was passionate about his own music within the band.

...

Ginger called four days later and gleefully told Olivia that she won the role in the spy thriller _Free Fire_.

Martin was at a meeting with Sydney and the band when she got the call. If he was with her, she would have been more excited but she burst into tears after she hung up the phone. 

In addition to being in a starring role alongside Kiefer Sutherland and Alec Baldwin, the film being her first big budget feature was going to give it more publicity. She was expected in Paris for a brief press tour and pre-production in a week. Thinking about it made her pace the living room. If she took the role, she would have to leave the bubble she had with Martin and she didn’t want that. 

When Martin got home, Olivia didn’t want to stay in the house anymore. He felt bad for leaving her alone and she wasn’t speaking to him, so he didn’t know if that was the issue. It was apparent that something was wrong, though.

They went out to dinner. The restaurant wasn’t formal but it also wasn’t completely casual. There, he ordered sushi and she ordered linguini alfredo. While they waited, she sipped her Chardonnay and said, “I got the part, but I’m going to turn it down.”

Martin frowned and ran his finger around the rim of his glass of vodka while he replied, “I thought you wanted it.”

“I just wanted to see why Ginger kept calling. I never thought I’d get it, but I did and I’m going to turn it down.”

“Livvie...”

“Can we go to a club after this? I want to go somewhere loud, where I don’t have to think.”

He nodded and when the waiter brought their food, they ate in silence. Olivia finished her wine and had the waiter bring her another glass. Martin also ordered another glass of vodka. “I think you should take the role.”

She looked up at him and replied, “If I did, I would have to leave London by the end of this week and I don’t want to go.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

After finishing their meals and their drinks, Martin brought Olivia to a nearby nightclub. At the bar, they ordered more drinks. This time, Olivia ordered whiskey and Martin ordered a beer. One turned into another. A friend of Martin’s showed up and had ecstasy and cocaine on him. Martin got some ecstasy but avoided the cocaine.

They each took a tablet and went on to the dance floor, dancing like they were in their own little world. When their eyes met, he blinked slowly and gave her a lazy smile. Tears welled in her eyes and she gave him a hug, hiding her face against his neck. “I like you so much, and it really scares me.”

“I know. I feel the same way, just not as scared.”

The music changed and although it was another fast song, Olivia and Martin began to slow dance. She closed her eyes and took in his scent while they moved together. He held her closer and when she pulled away to look at him, he kissed her. It was soft at first and then he kissed her again and again, as if he could kiss her worries.

...

When they got back home, Martin took off Olivia's shoes and brought her straight to their bedroom. She’d started crying on the way back and couldn’t stop, so he handed her two blue tablets before grabbing a glass and going into the bathroom to fill it with water. When he came back, he handed the glass to her. “Go on. Take them.”

She did what he told her and washed them down with the water. Before she could sit the glass back on the nightstand, he took it from her and sat it in the bathroom along with his jacket. Then, he sat down next to her and said, “It takes a little while for them to kick in. Try to relax if you can.”

Olivia nodded and watched as he took her shoes off. Then, he pushed his fingers through her hair, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Martin...” she replied.

Olivia knew where it was going to go and she knew that she could have stopped it, but she didn’t want to. When he kissed her, she kissed him back and didn’t resist when he pulled her closer. They slowly undressed and explored one another’s bodies with their hands and mouths. 

When they came together, it was a calm and wordless collision. The connection between them was electric and they moved together slowly, gently. Olivia listened to Martin’s soft, shaky breaths and answered with her own. Their hands entwined and at first, she thought she’d imagined what she’d heard. A second later, she heard it again, but clearer. He whispered, probably to keep her from hearing that his voice was breaking, “I love you, Olivia. I love you. I love —”

She was going to say it back. She wanted to, but her orgasm coursed through her body and stole all of her words before it triggered Martin’s orgasm. From a distance, she could hear him saying “Oh god” over and over until he cried out, holding onto her for dear life. 

When she floated back down to earth, the sleeping pills had finally kicked in and Martin moved to lay beside her. She put her head on his chest and murmured, “I love you, too, Martin.”

He kissed her on the forehead and replied, “We’ll be okay.”

She hummed her agreement and closed her eyes, listening to his heartbeat slow down and feeling him rub her back in gentle circles as she fell asleep.

...

Olivia accepted the role and figured out the logistics with Martin on where they could meet in the middle of her filming and his touring schedule. There were very few intersections, but they found one in Copenhagen and one in Rome. Although she would still be filming in Rome, she had a weekend off so she was going to fly in to Copenhagen and meet up with him.

They spent the next three days playing house. He made her grilled cheese sandwiches. She made him tuna sandwiches and beans and toast. They watched British television and danced to songs he played on his record player. In the morning, they showered together and ate breakfast. In the afternoon, they read books. At night, they made love. It was so peaceful and she was so happy.

When it was time for Olivia to fly to Paris, Martin went with her to Heathrow Airport and sat with her in the terminal. To casual observers, they were just two lovers. No one noticed that he was Martin Gore from Depeche Mode and that she was Olivia McPherson, former child actress and the daughter of Victoria Kelly and Jack McPherson. They were just two young people in love, clinging on to each other for as long as they could. Then, it was time for her to board her plane. She gave him a kiss and a watery smile as she walked onto the plane. 

An hour later, the plane was in the air and she was on her way to Paris. She opened up the book Martin gave her and found a folded up piece of paper. Thinking it was something he had put there when he was reading it, she opened it to see if it was lyrics. It wasn’t. Instead, it was a note addressed to her. 

The first thing it said was that he wasn’t sure if it was going to be sentimental, which made her laugh. The rest of it was thanking her for the time they’d spent together and how glad he was to have met her. He ended the note by saying he loved her and signing it “M.” 

Although it made her miss him more, she smiled to herself and relaxed, knowing that each day that passed meant that she got closer to seeing him again.


	6. What Do I Need of You Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new door for Olivia opens, while another is cruelly shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Although some of the people, dates, concerts, locations, songs and events are real, this is purely a work of fiction.

After the photocall in Paris, where she was dressed in a tailored Oscar De La Renta dress, Olivia did a brief press junket where she had to pretend that  _ Free Fire _ was the movie that made her want to act in a big-budget film.

The hair and makeup team was much better than it had been when she did the “Clean” video or any of her smaller movies, but she was dealing with big-budget filmmakers now. Joel Schumacher was directing the film and not only did she have to pull her role off as the femme fatale on-screen, she also had to pull off the real-life role of the progeny of a screen icon and former child star turned classically trained actress.

Besides the two wigs she had to wear, Olivia’s own hair was cut just a little past her shoulders and brightened. The hairstylist then gave her subtle red highlights. It made her green eyes stand out more and while she liked her shorter hair, the memory of Martin’s hands in her hair when it was almost to the middle of her back made her a little nostalgic. 

Before filming began, she trained for three weeks straight in boxing and martial arts, followed by three weeks of weapons training. She had to freshen up on her ballet as she was playing a former ballet dancer, but she’d danced all of her life so it wasn’t too much work. Each night, she returned to her hotel room and sat in a bathtub full of ice water. On the weekends, she had massages. She lost a percentage of fat that turned into muscle but when filming began, she was ready. 

Rome was rainy and unseasonably cold, but Joel and the crew made it work. Because the film was based around an American spy chasing a rogue former colleague, Olivia’s role as the rogue’s accomplice/lover meant that she had different disguises and said little to nothing. One of her first scenes had her dressed as a teenage boy that was supposed to murder a politician. Her ample breasts were padded down, she wore a short wig, and she had no makeup on. It was one of her favorite, more comfortable outfits. 

Her most difficult day was the one she had to do a club scene, followed immediately by a love scene. The club was full of extras and the best way to describe her look was futuristic. Her eyes were smoky. Her lips were covered in black lipstick. Her hair was straightened and she wore a dress that had cutouts in the back and stilettos that gave her an extra five inches of height. 

She was lounging in a large sphere in the wall with her legs stretched out while electronic music played and the extras danced around her. Her eyes fell on Kiefer and she smiled at him from a distance. He smiled back at her and kept walking.

She managed to get out of the sphere fine and headed to the set of the bathroom, while he followed. Once they were both on that soundstage, she smiled wryly at him and put a knife to his throat. He overpowered her, took the knife away, and laughed. Then, he lifted her up and kissed her.

It was as awkward as she’d heard love scenes were supposed to be. The kisses were muted and although they appeared sexy, there was no feeling behind them. They fumbled with their clothes to make it appear that they were about to have sex and while Kiefer had her raised against the sink and was pretending to kiss her neck, she could hear “Clean” playing in the club part of the soundstage. Her mind went back to filming with Martin and she missed her cue, which led to Kiefer dropping her. The stilettos didn’t hold and she fell, almost twisting her ankle. 

Joel stopped filming and started screaming at Kiefer for not holding on to Olivia. Crew members and a medic named Michelle came to see if she was okay, but she was angry at herself and whoever chose to play that song. When Michelle took off the stiletto, she saw that Olivia’s ankle was fine if not a little bruised.

Everyone started talking about extending the break for another week to make sure her ankle was completely fine to do the scene, but Olivia wanted to get it done. She put the stiletto back on and said, “I’m okay. I’m fine. Let’s finish the scene.”

Michelle started to tell her that it wasn’t a good idea and Olivia silenced her. “We’re insured and I’ll sign any waiver you want. I’m fine. Let’s do this scene. Just don’t play the song or the band that was just playing.”

Kiefer helped her to her feet and she walked back to where she had been standing. When Joel resumed filming, Olivia and Kiefer pulled off the scene and not only made it look real but made it look sexy as well. Joel called it a wrap and she was done for the week. Michelle told Olivia not to overdo it. She promised that she wouldn’t, but her mind was already on its way to Copenhagen.

...

Martin wasn’t the same person he was before when he came back from the break. Olivia had changed his life. He’d been in love before, but it was never as all-consuming as it was with her. He thought he’d been in an all-consuming love with Cristina, but this was different. There were days when he dreamt about her and counted down the days until he could see Olivia again. 

There were nights when he could feel the sensation of her body under his hands and lips, and hear the way she called his name when she was close to letting go. He loved her and missed her with everything in him. It didn’t terrify him when they were together, but it terrified him when he was alone.

He couldn’t find anyone to talk to about it. Andy and Alan had been in their respective relationships for a long time, and Martin didn’t feel like Dave would take it seriously. Sydney was only on the tour part-time. So, Martin sat with his thoughts and feelings.

Martin bought an engagement ring in Kobe and wondered if she would freak out if he gave it to her. She spent half of his stay in Los Angeles trying to keep him at a distance and not rush things. He didn’t want her to feel like he was rushing things, especially because she was still 19, but he knew that they were strong enough together to weather anything.

Then everything went to hell.

Dave and Jo got into a huge blow-up in the airport on the way home from Tokyo. Because there was a break, no one knew why the fight happened. A week into the break, the band was called into an emergency meeting. When Martin arrived; Dave looked cheap, Teresa was indignant, and Sydney was angry but she looked as if she’d been crying. 

Daniel then told Martin, Andy, and Alan that Dave had left his wife and was now dating Teresa, who had quit and was now accompanying Dave as a guest. Sydney was taking control of press duties from her sister, which meant that her first job was to bury this situation as deep as possible. Everyone was speechless. Sydney left the room.

The entire situation shook Martin to his core. Although Jo hardly accompanied the band, she’d been with Dave since the beginning of the band. He was there when Dave and Jo got married. He played with Jack before the Rose Bowl concert. Dave and Jo’s relationship was a constant until it wasn’t, and that shattered Martin’s entire view on love. It shattered any kind of hope he had for his future with Olivia.

After the meeting; he went to Turnmills, took some ecstasy, got drunk, and had sex with Suzanne, his ex-girlfriend. They’d been on-again/off-again since Tokyo for a myriad of reasons, and she just happened to be in London. She’d heard about Olivia and told him that it was only a matter of time before he was going to get bored. Martin didn’t say anything. 

He was in a particularly sour mood when he landed in Copenhagen despite having the previous day off. After the last two shows, he went straight to his room and had his own party with the minibar and Suzanne. Then, they slept most of the day. She was always around and when Martin was preparing to call Ginger so she could tell Olivia it was over, Suzanne distracted him and the call was never made.

...

When Olivia arrived in Copenhagen with Tatum, Martin was nowhere to be found. He’d promised to meet her at the airport, so she found it strange that he wasn’t there. She called the hotel that he said he’d be at, but she was told that no one had checked in under his name. If she didn’t know for sure that the band was performing that night, she would have thought he had disappeared. 

She and Tatum got their luggage from the baggage claim, got into a cab, and checked into one of the best hotels in Copenhagen. They tried on outfits and Tatum did Olivia’s hair and makeup, because she wanted Martin to faint when he saw her for the first time in weeks.

Olivia told herself not to worry, that maybe he was busy with press or with the performance and had forgotten that she was coming. She knew that he wouldn’t just tell her that he loved her and then disappear. She had been waiting to see him for weeks, and it seemed so strange that he was suddenly nowhere to be found. 

When she and Tatum made it to the venue, there was no ticket or backstage pass waiting for her at will call, and she was more than tipsy. She checked with the people three times, but nothing had been reserved for her. There was a moment when she thought about just going back to her hotel room, but she promised Martin that she would be there and Tatum wanted to see the show. So, Tatum paid for their tickets and watched the show. 

Tears welled in Olivia’s eyes as soon as she saw him. She missed him so much and it almost physically hurt that she couldn’t touch him. During his solo, she hoped that he would look for her, but he didn’t and she wondered if she’d done something wrong or if he didn’t recognize her because of her haircut. He was behaving strangely and she didn’t know how to get to him because she didn’t have a backstage pass.

Once the show was over, she was leaving the venue when Jimmy walked past her and said, “Olivia, right?”

She looked at him and smiled. “Yes! Hi, Jimmy!”

“Wow, you look  _ different _ .”

Olivia looked down at her outfit and shrugged. “Um, I’m filming a movie nearby — I got dolled up for Martin.”

Jimmy frowned. “For Mart? You’re here for Mart?”

“Yeah. I think he forgot, though.”

“I guess. The last time I saw the band, they were all headed to Chateau Motel. Are you sure you’re here for Martin?”

“That’s what she said, Johnny,” Tatum replied sarcastically.

Olivia elbowed her best friend and told her to stop being rude before she turned back to Jimmy, “Yes, I’m here for Martin. Why do you want to know?”

He shook his head. “No reason. It’s good seeing you. You look amazing.”

Olivia smiled. “Thanks.”

Jimmy walked away and Olivia put on her coat before hailing a cab to take her and Tatum to the Chateau Motel nightclub.

...

The club was heavy with alcohol, drugs, and sex. It was the perfect place for Martin to come to under the right set of circumstances. Once Olivia and Tatum had their coats checked, they carefully walked through the dancers, looking for the band and Martin. Depending on if he was drunk, she looked to see if he was naked on a table. Depending on if he was high on ecstasy, she looked for a shock of blond hair amongst the dancers. She was unlucky on both fronts. 

Olivia had all but given up when she noticed that shock of blond hair towards the back of the club. She wanted to run to see if it was him but as she got closer, she started to feel like she did the right thing by not running because the person that the shock of blond hair belonged to was kissing someone else. 

Her mouth felt dry and her stomach started to drop. Yet, she kept going. She didn’t want to leave until she knew for sure that it was Martin. If she left and it wasn’t Martin, and she later found out that she’d missed him, she would never forgive herself. So, she kept going.

When she and Tatum approached the kissing couple, Andy was chatting with Dave and Alan. Alan was the one who did a double-take and frowned when he noticed Olivia. By then, she realized that she was watching her boyfriend kiss another woman in front of everyone. 

Tatum tried to get her to leave the club, but Olivia wouldn’t. Holding back the burning lump of tears in her throat; she channeled the hurt into anger, maintained her composure, and said, “Hey, Martin. What is this?”

He broke from the kiss and looked at her as though he had done nothing wrong. The woman he was kissing gave Olivia a huge smile, and that smile only got wider when she saw how devastated Olivia looked. Martin stepped away from Suzanne and said casually, “Olivia, I forgot that you were coming.”

“You never told me that there was a change of plans,” she replied, “so here I am.”

Martin approached Olivia and she instinctively took a step back, trying not to lash out at him. His cold, detached gaze examined her from top to bottom and he cupped her cheek while he explained, “I was going to call and tell you not to bother coming, but I forgot. What happened between us was fun and it felt really good, but I realized that it was never going to last.”

“It was...what?”

“Olivia, sex is the cure to the boredom of life. Being with you was the best antidote I’ve ever had, but there was a reason why we never defined it. It was mutual pleasure to pass the time. Besides, you and I aren’t good at the whole dating thing.”

Tatum glared at him and as much as Olivia tried not to cry, the fact that he used her fear against her stung and the tears fell down her face. She closed her eyes to stop more from coming and felt him take her face in both of his hands to wipe her tears away. 

When she opened her eyes again, she saw that Martin was no longer cocky and searched for any indication that he was faking or that he was going to tell her that it was all a joke. Then, he let go of her and she knew that it was over. 

She took a shuddered breath and stepped away from him. “You know what? You’re absolutely right, Martin. You and I? We were never going to last. You don’t know anything about me and clearly, I didn’t know  _ anything _ about you. If I did, I would’ve walked away a lot sooner because you’re not good enough and you never were. That’s why you need to fuck anything with tits and a vagina, to overcompensate for all of those inadequacies you have.”

Martin blinked and stumbled back as she pointed to Suzanne. “Hey, whatever your name is, congratulations! You got yourself a stud. He’s amazing in bed. A complete whore, but great in bed. Be careful, though. He’ll pretend that he wants you, tell you that he loves you, convinces you to take a job, and then fuck someone else behind your back. So, good luck. You’ll need it.”

The look in her eyes was harsh enough to cut glass when she looked at Martin one last time but she finally turned away and headed towards the front of the club. Tatum quietly followed behind her. After they got their coats back, they jumped into the first cab that stopped for them and got in. The cab ride was silent and Tatum held Olivia’s hand the entire time. 

Once they made it back to the hotel room, Olivia took a deep breath and finally broke down, letting the pain overtake her. Tatum hugged her as she fell to the floor, sobbing.

...

Although there was nothing for her in Copenhagen and Tatum left early in the morning to go to New York, Olivia decided to stay an extra day. Her eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying and she’d only slept for two hours. She looked at her clock and then turned towards the wall, wanting to do nothing and feel nothing.

She woke up again at a quarter to midnight and decided that she no longer wanted to stay, so she washed her face and threw on some clothes before checking out and taking a cab to the airport. Luckily, there was a late flight back to Rome. It was expensive, but she paid for a ticket and waited in the terminal to board. 

As she was waiting, Martin appeared. They looked at one another, but she had her sunglasses on and she didn’t know if he would recognize her, especially if he was drunk the night before. There was a part of her that wanted him to come to her and tell her that it would all be okay. At the same time, it was too late. The damage had been done.

It was at that moment that she knew that he’d recognized her as soon as his eyes fell on her. She didn’t know how he’d found her, but she wondered if he’d come for her. Then, an announcement was made that her flight had begun to board, so she stood up and headed to the plane. She thought that he was going to come closer, but his demeanor changed. His eyes became steely and he put his hands in his pockets. She’d hurt him as much as he’d hurt her, but she wasn’t going to apologize.

They looked at one another for a minute longer and he opened his mouth to say something. Olivia waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. So, she grabbed her bag and walked to where her flight was boarding. Her relationship was over, but she still had a life to live and a job to continue doing.


	7. How Can Anyone Have You and Lose You and Not Lose Their Mind, Too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia tries to move on, but all of her roads lead her back to Martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Although some of the people, dates, concerts, locations, songs and events are real, this is purely a work of fiction.

Olivia returned to set more determined and more subdued. Without Martin to think about or look forward to seeing, she focused on her work and spent more time with her co-workers. Alec was married and always heading off with his wife, but Kiefer was open to her tagging along. Then, he introduced Olivia to his friend, Jason. 

Like Kiefer and Olivia, Jason was also a child of a famous actor. He was quiet and intense, a New York man not too different than her father. He didn’t seem to like getting drunk or high. He felt predatory to Olivia, observing her and waiting. For what? She didn’t know. It was only when he started calling her a “rebel child” that she felt like she was on a level playing field with him.

At times, he was just what Olivia needed and sometimes, he was the opposite. Just as soon as she realized that Jason might be someone she may want to get close to, it suddenly seemed like she couldn’t escape Martin.

...

Kiefer, Jason, and Kiefer’s girlfriend, Julia, wanted to see [ Depeche Mode in Frankfurt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ1g5NlHwsU) since Jason and Kiefer were big fans. They had gone to see them in Lyon and wanted Olivia to come with them to Frankfurt. She resisted as much as she could and told them that she’d done a music video of theirs but didn’t tell them that Martin had broken her heart almost two weeks before. Still, they dragged her to the concert.

Kiefer had paid for front row seats, which made Olivia realize that Martin was going to be able to see her with her friends. As the evening went on, they took some ecstasy and Olivia found herself watching Martin far too much and for far too long. 

As soon as Dave left the stage during “Waiting for the Night,” and the lights went to Martin, he went from looking at the ground to looking directly at her. Their eyes locked and despite any ill feelings she had, she watched him as he went to the microphone to finish the song, silently singing along with him. She finally took a breath when the lights went low and Martin prepped to perform his solos.

He performed “Here is the House” and “Sweetest Perfection.” She thought of their time together. The memories made her smile and then, she teared up when he sang “I feel your warmth and it feels like home.” 

When he finished the first song, he turned his back to the crowd and she did her best not to let Kiefer, Jason, and Julia notice that she was emotional. Then, Martin started singing “Sweetest Perfection.” She sang the words right along with him as he watched. It was almost as if she wanted to make sure that he didn’t mess up.

She knew that it may have been strange to Kiefer, Julia, and Jason that she was silently singing the lyrics, but she didn’t care.

The song changed and Olivia knew that “Clean” was about to begin. Out of nowhere, Julia mused. “This is my favorite song. I auditioned for this video because I heard that Dave was going to be in it.”

Olivia went into her bag to grab a little bottle of whiskey and Jason remarked, “Oh, shit. The background video is different this time.”

When she looked up, Olivia saw that she was on the screen. The music video was playing to the audience but instead of her and Martin watching the backdrop video, they were watching videos that Martin had filmed of her. The energy in the venue changed and became slick and seductive. 

Every time she appeared on the screen, the audience went silent in admiration. They saw her the way Martin had seen her and then went wild every time she and Martin kissed in the music video. Kiefer did his deep, baritone laugh and Julia whispered, “You are  _ so _ lucky.”

Olivia didn’t know if she should have been flattered or livid to see not only private moments of her that Martin took but also the video for the first time since filming it and finding it tastefully edited but still highly erotic. “I guess.”

The crowd got frenzied when Martin laid Olivia on the couch in the video, with an edited version of what she called “the sunflowers video” playing on the wall. It was obscured enough for no one to notice what exactly was happening but she knew. 

Dave was drenched in sweat and Olivia wondered if it was from the heat of the venue or from restraint. Her eyes went to Martin, only to find him looking back at her. His gaze held hers even when Dave stopped singing and everyone watched as she and Martin made out on the couch, and kissed in a field of sunflowers. She experienced everything all over again and she hated how much it made her want him.

Jason, affected by the energy, snaked an arm around her waist and rattled her. It felt strange and she pulled away. Finally, Martin stopped looking at her, the song ended, and she felt sober and lost at the same time.

When “Policy of Truth” played, Olivia watched the performance and Dave reached out to pull her on-stage about midway through the song. She shook her head, but Kiefer helped Dave get her onto the stage. To the best of her knowledge, no one had ever been brought on-stage, but Dave wasn’t stupid and neither was Olivia. 

She mouthed that she hated him but that didn't stop Dave from tormenting her. He kept dancing against her, making the audience go insane, so she played along. Towards the end of the song, she pushed Dave to his knees and wound her hips while she sang along with Martin. When Dave stood up, they moved against one another. The audience turned into a feeding frenzy.

She was on her way back to Jason, Kiefer, and Julia when Dave decided to keep her onstage for “Enjoy the Silence.” He was having fun with her and she was cool with it. Martin kept his focus on playing and she kept her attention on Dave, making a mental note to punch him when she had the chance. Then, the breakdown (and Dave’s terrible dancing) began. 

Martin was moving back and forth in a drug-fueled haze but as soon as Dave got close enough with Olivia, Martin took her hand and went down the stairs to the audience. She watched as his mind spun and unconsciously wiped his mouth right before he did it himself. Then, he charged around in his short shorts, swaying back and forth with his guitar and his hand around hers while she laughed hysterically, feeling free. 

She was able to get away before the song was over, but that wasn’t the end of it. 

...

Jason, Kiefer, Julia, and Olivia were invited backstage after the show. Olivia declined, but Jason dragged her along. 

Martin and Andy were playing table football and Olivia sipped on her beer while she watched Jimmy whisper something in Martin’s ear. Dave was standing in the corner, arguing with Sydney and an older woman. The older woman was upset and Sydney was acting as the voice of reason yet again, but she was annoyed. Alan was with his companion, chatting away with Kiefer and Julia.

The party soon went to a hotel nearby and Olivia was surprised that it was not as raucous as it could have been. Jason, Kiefer, and Julia were hanging out with Dave, Andy, and Alan but Martin was nowhere to be found. Olivia assumed that Martin had gone to get off with some girl, so she sat in a corner and watched everyone. 

A few minutes later, Jimmy approached her and gave her Martin’s room number. She asked if Martin told him to give it to her and Jimmy replied, “No. Mart’s gone off somewhere, but I think he’d be glad that you’re here.”

Jimmy walked off and Olivia decided that the party was too crowded, so she was going to take a walk. She did a lap around that floor, contemplating going back to her hotel, but decided against that because she didn’t want to go back by herself. That was when she got on the elevator and took it to the floor where Martin’s room was.

As soon as the elevator door opened, she found Martin. He appeared to be walking around the floor as well. Olivia stepped off the elevator and softly called his name, unsure if he’d heard. Then, he stopped and turned to look at her. They stared at one another and finally, he approached her. She was tired, so tired that she didn’t stop him when he ran his fingers through her hair. She also didn’t stop him when he took her hand and brought her to his room.

Once the door was closed and locked; Olivia expected Martin to beg for forgiveness and try to explain why he’d done what he did, but he didn’t. Instead, he hugged her, her fingers tangled in his hair and when he turned to look at her, his lips touched hers softly. She kissed him back and he murmured her name as a warning. They kissed again and Martin began to slowly undress her. Olivia quietly returned the favor. 

He kissed apologies on her skin while she used her fingers to trace her forgiveness on his. Time was a blur and nothing made sense other than that she was with Martin. Then, he was inside of her and they were moving together. She bit her bottom lip and although he was taking it slow, she whispered for him to go harder and deeper. His hands caressed her from head to toe like she was one of his guitars, and it was amazing. 

When he sat up, he brought her with him and kept moving, his hands rubbing her back and his lips kissing her neck. She said that she loved him and couldn’t stop saying it, even as he whispered it back while she came. Martin cupped the back of her head and kissed her while her body tensed with pleasure. Then, she fell back on the pillows and Martin fell on top of her. 

He moved beside her and she barely noticed the stickiness between her thighs. When she laid on his chest, he kissed the top of her head and said that he missed her. She didn’t respond. Instead, she closed her eyes and fell asleep. She slept better than she had since Copenhagen.

The next morning, Olivia woke up and realized her lapse in judgment. Martin, realizing that she hadn't changed her mind, didn’t ask for forgiveness. In fact, they barely spoke to one another. He got his driver to take her to the airport and he went with her, bought her a ticket back to Rome, and sat with her until it was time to board.

...

A few weeks later, Ginger called and said that Madonna wanted Olivia to be in a music video she was going to be filming in Paris in November. Olivia told Ginger that she would love to do it.

When Jason visited her that night, he had been drinking. Olivia had never seen this side of him but she still told him about the job. He replied that Madonna was overrated but said that the decision was Olivia’s to make. Then, Jason kissed her and told her that he wanted to make her feel good. So, he undressed her, played with her breasts, and kissed her body until his face was between her thighs. 

Olivia wasn’t sure if it wasn’t good or if she was just too stunned to respond, but she felt nothing except worried that it wouldn’t end. When she finally asked him how much longer he was going to be; he stopped, called her a bitch, and stormed out.

He disappeared after that. Olivia asked Kiefer about him, but Kiefer had no updates on his friend. Jason finally got in contact with her two nights before she flew out to Paris and they got into a huge fight about what had happened the last time they were together. Though Olivia tried to be the bigger person, Jason hung up on her.

...

When Olivia arrived in Paris, she checked into the Ritz-Carlton and Madonna stopped by her room to explain the premise of the video. While it was risqué, Olivia loved the idea and couldn’t wait to act in it. They then went shopping for lingerie at Sabbia Rosa in the Left Bank, and Olivia came away with bags of lovely and seductive pieces. 

Filming the video was a lot of fun. Madonna put a lot of money into it and rented out a floor of a hotel. Olivia did her acting with Madonna and Madonna’s boyfriend, Tony, in their hotel room. Tony had a beautiful body and Olivia felt like porcelain in his arms, but she liked the feeling of being treated with such care. When she kissed Madonna, it was intense and sexual. 

After the video was finished, Madonna and the dancers wanted to go to Marseille because there was a nightclub that everyone loved. Madonna chartered a private jet and they were there in about an hour and a half to two hours. Everyone, except Olivia, was tipsy when they arrived at the nightclub. Olivia thought she’d died and gone to heaven until she realized that Martin had been dancing right behind her.

He was high and dancing by himself when she turned and collided with him. He stopped dancing and when she looked up, her heart stopped. She hadn’t seen him since Frankfurt and the pain was still there but she didn’t pull away when he took her hands in his and pulled her close. They started to move together and he stroked her cheek before leaning in for a kiss. 

Olivia took his face between her hands and kissed him back. It was like nothing had changed between them but as soon as she opened her eyes, the moment was gone and she stepped away. They stared at one another and just before he could say anything, Madonna pulled her away from him and into the group so they were all dancing with one another. Olivia looked back to see if Martin was still there a few minutes later, but he was gone.

...

Shortly after she returned from Paris, Olivia was awakened from her dream about Martin by a persistent knock on the door to her hotel room in Rome. She turned on her bedside table light and got out of bed. As she was putting on a robe, she said, “Who is it?”

“It’s Martin.”

Her heart froze and after she saw him in the peephole, she took a step back. She could have told him to leave, but she unlocked the door and opened it instead. He was really there, looking at her. They looked at each other for about a minute before she folded her arms across her chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in, Livvie?”

“No.”

“It’s late.”

“You should have thought about that before you came to my hotel room and woke me up.”

“I’m  _ shorry _ . It’s just — I was in the area and I can’t get a taxi back to my hotel this late. I called Ginger from where I was and she said that you were here, so I took a walk.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No. Maybe. I fell off a chair.”

Olivia rolled her eyes and moved aside as Martin walked in. He then took off his jacket and sat it on a nearby chair before turning back to look at her. “I want to talk about what happened in Copenhagen?”

Her body tensed and replied sarcastically. “Yeah, because right now is the  _ perfect  _ time for you to try to explain what you did to me.”

“I’m  _ shorry _ , Livvie.”

“I don’t care,” she retorted. “You were kissing someone else and didn’t even have the common decency to call me and tell me not to come to Copenhagen. Then, you told me in the middle of everyone, including your girlfriend, that you were fucking me to pass the time.”

Martin shook his head. “I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t. I went to the airport to tell you the...that I —”

“I don’t  _ care _ . Even if I’d done something wrong, I didn’t deserve that.”

She went to the bar and poured herself a glass of water. Martin sighed and whispered. “Dave left  _ hish _ wife and took up with  _ Teresha _ . She is  _ —wash— _ our  _ pressh _ liaison and  _ Shydney’s shister _ .”

Olivia took a sip of her water. “What does that have to do with me?”

“When everyone found out, we were  _ shtunned _ but to me, it felt like every good thing  _ wash _ inevitably going to fall apart. Including  _ ush _ .  _ Sho _ , I decided to  _ shpeed _ the  _ processh _ up by having  _ shex _ with  _ Shuzanne _ , my ex.” he replied with resignation.

She let out a harsh breath and looked at Martin like he was a stranger. “You slept with her? I thought that...how many other women were there, Martin?”

“ _ Jusht _ the one.”

“So instead of telling me what was wrong, you cheated and then publicly humiliated me?”

“I thought you should know. Then, you came to Frankfurt and... _ that _ happened.”

She shook her head, “My friends made me go to that show, but it was smart of you to splice private videos of me and of us into the music video to get back at me. I mean, you showed thousands of people a video of us making out, whether they knew it or not.”

“That  _ wash _ Anton, and I didn’t expect that either. He wanted to play the music video because it wasn’t getting a  _ mainshtream _ release and he had my camera. I didn’t know he did that until it  _ wash _ playing and I didn’t know you were going to be at the show. Dave pulling you  _ on-shtage _ wasn’t planned, either.”

Olivia sat her glass on the bar and tried her best to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. Martin tried to approach her, but she pushed him away. When he tried a second time, she pushed him away again. Then, she slapped him and the room became so silent, they could hear a pin drop. For a moment, she thought that Martin was going to hit her back, but he walked over to the chair and snatched his jacket back up before he headed towards the door.

Martin’s hand was on the doorknob when Olivia said, “Despite the warnings that went off in my head that we were going way too fast, I let myself love you because you loved me. Then, you so casually and cruelly broke my heart. I want to hate you for hurting me like you did, but you’re still the only person I want because I love you and I can’t stop loving you.”

She covered her face and began to cry. Martin stayed at the door but then, he came to her and tried to hold her. Olivia pulled away and knocked her glass of water off the bar. The glass shattered on the floor and she kneeled down to pick it up but Martin stopped her, holding her against her chest while she sobbed.

Once her sobs began to ease, he took off her robe, brought her over to the bed, and laid her down. He then undressed and laid down next to her, taking her into his arms. After turning off the light, he rubbed her back until she went back to sleep. Then, he fell asleep soon after.


	8. Gentle Impulsion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode. Some of the people, dates, concerts, songs, locations, and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

When Olivia woke up, she thought that she had dreamt of Martin coming to her room. The water and the broken glass were no longer on the floor, but she was still in Rome and it was still her week off. Then, she noticed Martin’s jacket on her chair and heard the shower going.

When Martin came out of the bathroom, he had a new outfit on. She sat up in the bed and said, “What time is it?”

“Half one,” he replied. “I used your key card. I had to get a change of clothes but I didn’t want to wake you again. Soundcheck is at five but we can go somewhere or just relax here if you want. 

She drowsily nodded and laid back down. Martin handed her a small rectangular box. “I didn’t want you to think I forgot your birthday.”

Frowning, Olivia opened it and gasped as soon as she saw the necklace with an icy blue topaz heart surrounded by diamonds. Her eyes then went to him and she shook her head. “I can’t take this, Martin.”

“It’s your birthday gift from me. I know that your birthday isn’t for another couple of days, but I won’t be in Rome then.”

“Martin, this is too...this had to have been expensive.”

“The cost doesn’t matter, Livvie.”

“When did you buy this?”

He licked his top lip and nodded, shifting his eyes away from her. “Before everything went to shit. Before  _ I  _ turned it to shit.”

Olivia took the necklace out of the box and looked wistfully at it. “It’s beautiful, Martin. Thank you.”

“You’re going to keep it?”

She looked at it and hesitated. Then, her eyes flicked over to Martin and she nodded.

Martin ran his fingers through her hair. “I would like it if you spent the day with me, before the show and after?”

“Okay,” she replied. She wanted them to stay in her room, but she didn’t trust herself to be alone with him.

“I would like to...start over, try again?”

Before she could respond, he leaned in and kissed her softly. She kissed him back but before it could escalate, she pulled away. “Martin, it’s too soon for us to...I—”

Martin murmured. “Okay.”

“I’m going to get ready.”

She got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a quick shower. Then, she got dressed in a sweater and jeans before throwing on a coat and leaving the hotel with Martin.

They went shopping and had lunch at a quaint little restaurant that Olivia frequented. After lunch, they just walked around the area. She still had reservations about being with Martin, but she kept them to herself as they held hands. People recognized Martin and asked for autographs. He was happy to oblige, but she could tell that he really wanted to concentrate on being with her. Then, she went back to the hotel while Martin went to the venue.

When it got close to showtime, Olivia started to get ready and decided to play with her look. She wore her hair in a sleek bun, put a feathered boa around her neck, and applied a smokey eye. Her outfit consisted of a canary yellow see-through bra under a pinstripe blazer with slacks and stilettos that gave her an extra six inches of height. Then, she took a cab and went to the venue, where Martin had a ticket and backstage pass waiting for her. 

After the show, she went backstage and sat with the band in the green room. Dave, Andy, and Alan didn’t know how to respond since the last time they’d seen Olivia besides Frankfurt was at Chateau Motel. Martin reassured that he and Olivia were fine, and everyone collectively let go of the breath they’d been holding. She sat next to Martin and spoke with everyone about what she’d been up to. An hour later, the band went to a nightclub and Olivia went with them.

When they got back to her room, it was three in the morning and she was exhausted and nauseated. She took off her makeup and her outfit, laying down in the bed in just the bra and her underwear. Martin, who was drunk and had a heart on one of his eyes from Olivia and her lipstick, followed suit. He tripped when he was taking off his pants, but was fine otherwise. 

He laid down next to her and whispered, “I like you, Olivia Gore.”

She smiled and replied, “I like you too, Martin McPherson.”

“We should get married.”

“My stuffed penguin's name is Marvin.”

Martin guffawed and took her hand, locking it with his. Then, they passed out.

After another day with Martin in Rome, he left and Olivia missed him more than she thought she would. They kept in touch through phone calls. He would call her before it was showtime and after. At first, she would listen to him ramble on because he was either drunk or on ecstasy after the show. Then, the calls slowly took a turn towards the erotic, especially when he was alone in his hotel room. 

They would confess their desires to one another, softly and seductively, until their breathing was shaky and they were drenched in sweat, coming down from their release. Before they hung up for the night, Martin always promised that it would be amazing when they saw each other again, that it wouldn’t just have to be a phone call. Olivia initially protested having sex with him again but eventually, she stopped.

...

Olivia reunited with Martin at a party that was thrown to celebrate the end of the tour. It was a masquerade party at a fancy mansion and she came with Tatum. Everyone was either high or drunk, so Tatum helped herself to some cocaine. 

The first person they encountered was Andy. Whatever he was on made him super friendly and he introduced Olivia and Tatum to Daryl, Teresa, and Jonathan. Teresa was cordial but kept glancing over at Olivia, who remembered her from backstage in Frankfurt. Daryl was friendly and Jonathan seemed to be enthralled with Olivia immediately, but she thought he was too smarmy for his own good.

Tatum noticed Sydney and asked Olivia if she knew her. Olivia said that she did, but she was surprised to see the junior publicist high as a kite and huddled beside a couch, doing homework.

Olivia put her mask on and walked around the mansion while she imagined the house spoke to her, like she used to when she was a little girl. The wallpaper in the hallways told her that the house had been lonely before the party. The windows on the doors told rumors about the floors. Still, Olivia hadn’t seen Martin yet and she whispered to the floors and the windows and the wallpaper that she missed him.

When she returned to the ballroom, Tatum was talking with Daryl and the subject had to have been interesting because she was talking with her hands. Sydney kept dozing off to sleep with her open textbook propped on her knees, jolting awake when her face smacked the book. Then, Olivia sat down on the edge of the sofa and listened to the ceiling telling her to look towards the fireplace. She did what she was told and found Martin sitting on the floor, cross-legged and lazily strumming his guitar.

Although Olivia could tell it was him from his hair, she wondered if he would recognize her. The house stopped whispering and she stood up, smiling when the sofa groaned. The sofa then hissed that Martin didn’t even care that she hadn’t come to see him, but that didn’t stop her. 

When she approached him, he glanced at her and stood up, sitting his guitar aside. She remained silent but wrapped her hand around his forearm and pulled him into a kiss. With his hand cupping the back of her neck, he responded to the kiss and her fingers crept into his damp hair. When they pulled away, Jonathan walked past and said that the kiss had aroused everyone in the room. 

She could tell that Martin either wasn’t paying attention or he didn’t care. Instead, he stroked her cheek and moved his hand down until it was locked with her hand. The next thing she knew, he was leading her upstairs to one of the bedrooms. After the door was closed and locked, Olivia whispered to leave the masks on. It was, more or less, a plea. 

Martin nodded and leaned down to kiss her, which Olivia hungrily accepted. She couldn’t really do that with everyone else around but she had him all to herself now. Whether he knew it was her or not, she wasn’t sure it mattered. 

He let her take off his sweater and pants before he touched her again. She had seen him naked probably a hundred times or more, but she felt like it had been too long since the last time and the anticipation was making her breathless. Once the final piece of fabric had been stripped from him, she sighed with relief and then let Martin take her dress off before he brought her over to the bed and lied down.

Their lips met and Martin accidentally pulled her mask down, snapping the string and breaking it. Although she wanted to keep it on, she didn’t care. She just wanted him and she could tell he felt the same way when he pushed inside of her. He wanted to go slow, but she didn’t. She was feeling too impatient and greedy. 

Martin put one of his hands between them and touched Olivia while they fucked. When he came, he sucked air between his teeth and lifted his lower body so he pushed deeper into her. Then, he sat up with his hands flat against her back and kissed her. She pulled away from the kiss and gasped against his mouth as she came. 

As soon as they both came down, she reluctantly dismounted from Martin and got dressed while Martin did the same. “Are we back together then?”

Olivia nodded. “I just — the movie wraps in a week and I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I want to go to New York for a while, but your life is in London and I don’t want to take you away from that.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he replied.

They came out of the bedroom and found that the party was, more or less, over. Tatum was on her way out of the party with Daryl. Sydney had finally passed out and someone had put her on the couch. Olivia thought about telling Dave off for pulling her on-stage in Frankfurt, but she didn’t. Instead, she let Martin whisk her off so they could get some rest. 

...

A week later, filming for  _ Free Fire _ wrapped. Martin had flown to Rome to stay with Olivia during that week and once the movie was done, they flew to the US. 

Olivia and Martin then received a surprise when they learned that she was pregnant with their first child. Olivia did not initially take the news well and realized that the baby had been conceived in Frankfurt. Martin kept his emotions more at bay, but he was convinced that the baby was a sign that they were supposed to be together. So, he and Olivia got married in Las Vegas before flying home to London.


	9. Black Flowers Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin lets loose. Sydney loses her patience with some of the band members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Upon their return to the United States, Olivia sold all her things and her apartment in Los Angeles. Then, she moved in with Martin. They didn’t talk about whether or not they were keeping the baby. She told him that she was pregnant, he said that they would figure it out, and that was it. 

Once she was settled, however, he cleaned out the room he was using as a studio and started buying things for the baby. Olivia assumed that they were going to keep the baby, so she decided not to stop him. They found an obstetrician that she liked and when they learned of the due date, Olivia and Martin had a conversation about who to tell and when. 

Two weeks before Christmas, Martin introduced Olivia to his mother and sisters. Martin’s mother was very excited to meet Olivia and later explained that she’d never met any of Martin’s girlfriends before, even though she was actually meeting her daughter-in-law. Martin’s sisters were still teenagers, but they remembered Olivia from her work on _The Mickey Mouse Club_. After a nice lunch, they all exchanged gifts. She liked his family a lot and felt a closeness with them that she didn’t feel with her mother.

Olivia and Martin decided to spend Christmas together and slept in. When they woke up, they went out to have Christmas tea and then met up with the band and Sydney to exchange gifts. No one said anything about Olivia being with Martin, but they looked at one another. Olivia assumed this was the reason Martin stayed mum about the baby. She was wearing a coat, so no one could tell the difference in her body. 

Back home, Olivia and Martin exchanged gifts. Martin concluded that Olivia technically didn’t have to give him anything because she had given him mind-blowing sex, forgiveness, her hand in marriage, and a child. However, Olivia decided that it was still best to give him Christmas presents, so she bought him a designer watch and a bass guitar that he fell in love with. 

Martin was a little more sentimental in his gifting. He gave Olivia his leather jacket, a manila folder with two sheets of paper in them, a necklace that held a guitar pick engraved with their initials on it, and a wedding band as well as an engagement ring that she could wear. 

Because her fingers were going to get bigger she slipped the ring onto the chain and put the necklace on. When she opened the folder, she was surprised to see the original lyrics for two songs he’d written for **Violator**. She thanked Martin and put them away, deciding to read them later. 

“Later” turned out to be two nights after Christmas while Martin was asleep. She went to the living room and opened the folder to find the lyrics for “Sweetest Perfection” and “Blue Dress.” She didn’t know what to look for when she read the lyrics until she saw the post-it note that Martin left, telling her to read the notes he’d written. 

She read the notes to “Sweetest Perfection” first and although she couldn’t make out a lot of Martin’s handwriting, she noticed “ _girl with blue dress, dark hair...kpt staring,_ ” “ _too much ecstasy tonight_ ,” “ _wish i kissed her_ ,” “ _spent the night…_ ,” “ _i think i want her,” “…could stop me.”_

Although “Blue Dress” was the most obvious reference to her and it suddenly made sense when he mentioned it, she still read the notes: _“went to club with dave and daryl. took three tabs of ecstasy. too much?” “suzanne showed up + wanted to drink.” “flood intro to friend and his girl in blue dress. she was sad, beautiful,” “she’s gonna dump him.”_

Olivia was fascinated by his thoughts. He never seemed to have an issue expressing them with her and yet, seeing that he desired her even before he knew her name made her feel loved. It also made Olivia feel powerful and a little possessive. _She_ still had him and _she_ was the one carrying his child, not Suzanne. 

In early January, Tatum came to London to visit Olivia, who was beginning to show. She shared the news with her best friend and Tatum finally had “The Talk” with Martin, as it was long overdue.

...

Olivia loved living in London with Martin. Despite his fame, he still had a modicum of anonymity in London. They were able to take walks and explore the city during the day and when they were at home, it was very relaxed. 

Martin experienced sporadic surges of creativity while living with Olivia. He played with different sounds and considered making them songs, and also went back and forth about working on another cover album but found that he was mostly content with just preparing for fatherhood. It also helped that Olivia was now in her second trimester, so she had more energy and her sex drive was back.

One night, he woke her up at three in the morning and brought her to his studio so she could watch him record a demo for a song that had popped into his head. Then, they got as far as the sofa and had sex before going back to sleep.

In mid-February, Olivia went to work on a film called _After Laughter_ , about a teenage girl whose plans to kill herself are interrupted when she falls in love with a young man who had recently survived his own suicide attempt. The young man was played by Matthew Broderick and it was filmed in London, so she was happy that she didn’t have to travel across the world or out of the country.

When filming wrapped in May, she was definitely showing. She attended the London premiere of _Free Fire_ with Martin, even though she walked the red carpet and he went through the back. Not too long after the premiere, the music video Olivia did with Chris Isaak was labeled one of the sexiest music videos ever. The video for “Justify My Love” was almost all but banned, so Madonna released it as a video single to buy and Olivia made some money from that. Once _Free Fire_ became a box office success, Olivia’s career was cemented as a movie star. 

...

Although he had written a few songs, Martin wasn’t entirely motivated to write more. He’d worked with Alan on a song for a film scheduled to come out as well as hung out with Andy as they participated in an interview with MTV for a contest winner.

The band had been invited to include a new track and although the plan was for Dave to sing it, the task fell to Martin. Alan then did the screwdriver work for the song. It took about four days. Then, he did an interview with MTV alongside Andy, who brought up the babies that his girlfriend and Olivia were having. Martin remained silent on that, but couldn’t help but mention how “Clean” was his favorite video to make. 

He explained that it was because he spent the afternoon kissing some girl in her underwear, but he really wanted to play coy as no one had linked him and Olivia yet, and not many people had seen the video. What he wanted to say was that he spent the afternoon getting hot and heavy with someone he ended up falling in love with and that someone was now having his baby, but that would’ve invited a lot of unwanted attention. 

Olivia was six months along when she and Martin told their families. Jack was stunned but supportive, and eager to meet Martin. The first thing that Victoria mentioned was the success of _Free Fire_ and how Olivia had finally come to her senses about doing mainstream films. When Olivia told her that she was pregnant, Victoria went silent and then told her that she could still “fix” the “mistake.” 

Olivia then said that the baby was due in a few months and her mother went silent before disconnecting the call. Martin’s mother was more amiable, but she dropped a huge bomb when she told them that Martin’s biological father was a Black man who had been stationed in the UK. 

Although Martin knew that the man he’d known as his father was actually his stepfather for years, he hadn’t known his biological father’s identity and it left him stunned. He traveled to Virginia and met his father, Leon, but he didn’t allow Olivia to travel with him and wouldn’t tell her what happened once they’d met. 

...

Olivia went into labor on the night of July 6th, but there was no progress for hours. She and Martin stayed at home for almost a whole day until she started bleeding. In the early hours of July 8th, she gave birth to her and Martin’s first child, a girl. The baby had her father’s eyes and her mother’s mouth. 

Olivia was so tired, she didn’t want much to do with the child. She breastfed the baby and held the infant against her chest after Martin cut the cord but beyond that, she looked at the baby and felt nothing. All she could think was that she was holding the being that had caused her so much pain. After the doctor took the baby and gave her to an ecstatic Martin, Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 

The next time Olivia woke up, she was alone with Baby Girl Gore, who was silent. She moved the bassinet closer to her bed and looked at her baby, who was contentedly laying there. When Olivia picked her daughter up and held the newborn close, the baby started getting fussy. The only thing that seemed to calm her down was when Olivia fed her.

Olivia had initially worried that she wouldn’t want to be a mother, but she found herself in love with her child. While Baby Girl nursed, Olivia touched her little hands and feet. She ran her fingers over the baby’s little curls. The baby looked at her and raised an eyebrow while Olivia whispered, “You are beautiful, baby girl. So beautiful. I think I’m in love with you.”

After another day in the hospital to make sure that the bleeding was regulated, Olivia was able to go home with Martin and Briar. _After Laughter_ was released two weeks later and Olivia walked the red carpet of the London premiere. She didn’t want to leave Briar, but she made a compromise. 

_After Laughter_ was a critically acclaimed darling. Everyone complimented Olivia’s acting and her chemistry with Matthew Broderick. More directors wanted to work with her and Ginger basked in Olivia’s success, but Olivia was completely consumed with her baby and Martin.

...

Martin was stunned by how sudden his life had changed in a year. He’d been on and off with Suzanne until June. He’d gotten a last-minute call from Sydney at the beginning of August, begging him to replace Dave in a video, and that led to Olivia. 

Olivia was nothing that Martin could have ever dreamed of and yet, she was more than he could have ever dreamed of. 

A baby wasn’t part of the plan. He didn’t even know if he’d ever wanted children. Then, Olivia told him that she was pregnant. She was terrified and swore that she’d taken her pill the day the baby was conceived back in October. He told her that they would figure it out but by the time she had started to show, his mind had been made up and he was already Olivia’s husband. 

Briar was mostly dependent on Olivia, but that didn’t stop Martin from trying to take care of her. He changed her diapers and held her when she just wanted to be held. Otherwise, he worked on songs while Olivia and Briar slept. They slept often during the first three months. 

Martin found Briar to be inspiring. He was able to record more demos when he wasn’t doting on Briar, having sex with Olivia, or playing video games. Before he knew it, he had what looked like a possible album. 

To cap off the year, Olivia celebrated her 21st birthday in November. She was then nominated for a Screen Actors Guild Award, Golden Globe, and an Academy Award for her role in _After Laughter_. Martin and Olivia celebrated their first Christmas as parents.

A few days later, Martin called the band to tell them that he had songs that were ready to become an album. 

...

Olivia made history by winning the Golden Globe, the SAG award, and the Academy Award for her second-ever film role. She did a brief speech for the Golden Globe win and did not attend the SAG Awards. 

Her Academy Award speech was longer than it probably should have been, but she brought quite a few people to tears when she started crying while mentioning Briar. Right before she left the stage, she used a portion of her speech to tell Martin that she loved him. It sent the press into a frenzy. Who was this elusive “Martin” that Olivia McPherson, daughter of Victoria Kelly and award-winning actress, spoke of in her speech? Was he the father of her daughter? When did she have her daughter? Where did they meet?

After the Academy Award win, Ginger called because Madonna had a new project that she wanted to work with Olivia on. Olivia accepted and flew out to Miami with Martin and Briar to take photos and film a video for Madonna’s new work.

Steven Meisel, the photographer, thought that she was stunning. Olivia had lost all but five pounds of her baby weight, but Madonna complimented her on how lush and beautiful her body was. 

Some of Olivia’s first photos were with Isabella Rossellini, who was immediately maternal and protective of her. Their photos were on the beach and while Madonna was nude, Olivia was in a sheer white dress. Isabella held Olivia in her oversized coat while Olivia looked at the camera, eyebrow cocked. Her other photos were more provocative and sexy.

One provocative photo had Olivia dressed like a baby-faced dominatrix with pigtails and a leash around Vanilla Ice’s neck while he was on his hands and knees. Another photo had Olivia wearing a sheer dress with nothing underneath it, bare-faced and her hair pulled back in a bun as she stood in a doorway and watched two men having sex. Another photo had Olivia hugging Madonna from behind as they looked at their reflections in the mirror, her hands flat on the singer’s stomach while Madonna cupped her own naked breasts.

Martin had his reservations with Olivia participating in Madonna’s work, but he kept them to himself because she was so excited and happy to be a part of it. Madonna asked Martin if he wanted to join in and he declined until Madonna and Meisel offered a private shoot with just him and Olivia.

The shoot was done that night after everyone had gone back to their rooms or their hotels. Olivia was made up in heavy makeup, a smokey eye, and a dark red lip. She wore a slinky black dress and nothing underneath. As soon as she saw Martin, she grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss. Meisel photographed them the entire time. He found different ways to keep Martin’s face hidden, though Martin didn’t care if his face was shown. 

At the end of everything, Olivia and Martin introduced Briar to everyone at the house and let them dote on her. Even though she was seven months old, she was aware of her surroundings. Then, Martin flew to London to meet up with the band before they all went to Madrid.

...

While Martin was recording, Olivia decided to stay in New York with Briar. After her award wins, she was able to negotiate bringing Briar to the set with her while filming. So, she went back to work on another film.

She and Martin barely spoke during the first session, and it was made worse by the time difference. When she called to speak with him, he would be asleep or working. There were a couple of times where he’d just taken off and been gone for days. She left messages for him to call and when he called back, he was either drunk, hungover, or in a bad mood.

Martin returned from the session feeling dejected and when Olivia told him that she didn’t want to go back to London, the two of them ended up in more than one screaming match. She wanted to keep working and he wanted his family closer. Nothing was resolved by the time Martin had to go back for the second session, which was days after Briar’s first birthday. 

Once filming wrapped on the romantic comedy _One Day, Some Day_ , Olivia bought a townhouse in New York. She wasn’t sure about telling Martin, but she did when she called on his 26th birthday. He said that they would talk about it when he got back, but didn’t give any indication about how he felt.

Then, Olivia got caught in the middle of the outrage and controversy behind the release of Madonna’s book, “ _Sex_.”

Some of the media, especially conservative media, heavily focused on Olivia’s age and her career as a child to be upset about racy photos and her appearance in Madonna’s video for “Justify My Love.” 

Others were appalled because Olivia was a mother. Then, there were some people who thought that Madonna had manipulated Olivia into taking the photos and Madonna had destroyed her film career before it could even begin. 

There were also comparisons to her mother, how her mother was a classy sex symbol but Madonna had corrupted Olivia and perverted Olivia’s image. No one understood how the elusive "Martin" from her speech could ever allow her to do such pornography.

Olivia eventually had to release a statement that said, “While I understand the reasons why _‘Sex’_ has caused controversy; I would like to remind everyone that I am a 21-year-old woman and a mother. I was fully aware of what the premise of the book was and what was being asked of me. I am proud of Madonna and I am proud of my photos. I am sorry to the fans of the work I did as a child and I want to assure everyone that everything that I was photographed doing in the book is not what I do in my personal life. I am grateful for any opportunity where Madonna wants to work with me.”

Martin finished recording at the end of October and flew to New York to be with Olivia and Briar. He’d heard about the controversy around the book and she told him that she’d done some additional work with Madonna for the title track of the album and the accompanying music video. Olivia also warned him that the work she did on the music video was sexy. Martin said he trusted her and left it at that.

A week before Olivia’s 22nd birthday, Martin finally managed to get her and Briar back in London. Olivia didn’t sell the townhouse in New York, but she finally relented about coming back to London to spend the rest of the year with him. 

...

Martin got the call on New Year’s Eve that the album was finished and ready to be released. The news was bittersweet because not only was the album finished. His marriage with Olivia was finished as well.


	10. Here We Are Now. Entertain Us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour begins. Everyone loses control. Things get very complicated in Barcelona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, dates, concerts, locations, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Lily was a week away from wrapping a romantic comedy when Martin came to stay in New York. On the same day the new album was released, she signed on to do _Friendly Fire,_ the sequel to _Free Fire._ Meanwhile, Martin spent the time in New York to rest, spend time with Briar, and go over tour logistics with Lily.

Briar cried every time Lily went to set without her and Martin either had to bring Briar to her mother on set or deal with calming the screaming toddler down himself. It was frustrating for him, but he also felt guilty for not spending enough time with his daughter.

Briar’s care was the subject of more than five arguments between Martin and Lily over the span of six days. He wanted to know why Lily never hired a nanny or a babysitter when she had to work, and Lily felt like she would have been a bad mother if she had. Finally, she threatened to take Briar and move back to Los Angeles if he kept arguing with her over their child’s care. 

Three weeks into Martin’s stay, he realized that he needed to be centralized in London. Lily returned to the apartment with Briar and he made a concerted effort to support Lily. He and Lily established a routine similar to the one they had when they’d first met, with the added change of them exploring different parts of London with their daughter. Some nights, he would play the guitar for Briar until she fell asleep.

It was easier for him to do promo when he could simply take a short flight or a train back to London. He was happy to see his family every day. He loved the normalcy and the domestic routines they had. Lily brought Briar to the recording of the videos that would be played during the concert. Martin was distracted by Briar, but the band didn’t seem to have an issue. 

Anton, ever a thorn in Lily’s side, put a mask on her, told her to strip to her bra and panties, and asked her to do a dance for the Personal Jesus video. She slapped him and told him to fuck himself. Alan then intervened and asked her if she would do it. She reluctantly agreed to it.

During a brief press junket that had him away for days on end, Martin fell back into his old habits. There was one interview in France where he had a raging hangover and Jonathan gave him a Bloody Mary that had too much vodka in it. He answered the questions honestly and kept it together, but he didn’t hide the fact that he was hung over because Sydney wasn’t there to scold him about it.

At the beginning of May, Lily’s parents expressed their interest in watching Briar and recommended that she went on tour with Martin for a time. He and Lily were so close to reconciling, he pushed for it. Lily, however, had barely spent time away from Briar so she decided to stay in London and meet him at a later stop.

...

While Sydney was anticipating her promotion to the official manager of the band, Daniel dampened her excitement and told her that he decided to only make her the tour and press manager. When she asked what had changed, he told her that he wanted to see how she did at that capacity before the official promotion. She wondered if being forced to attend Teresa’s wedding to Dave had something to do with it, but Daniel was mum.

Little did Sydney know that the tour was going to provide her with so much distraction, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the small promotion she’d received.

Andy’s depression had begun to escalate. Every night, he was either miserable, manic, or he had a new ailment. Sydney sat with him for an hour or so after soundcheck and after the shows to just listen to him, when he wasn’t speaking with the psychiatrist that had been hired for the tour. She praised him for holding it together, but she knew that he was barely hanging on.

Martin was also having problems. He was always drinking and during his solo performances, he was drunk more often than not. He hardly spoke to reporters and when he did, his responses were short and sarcastic. When Sydney tried to get him to talk about what was wrong, he changed the subject or avoided her altogether. 

Martin started using “Mr. Iscariot” as an alias at hotels. After the shows, he made a fool out of himself when he went out with the band. When he wasn’t at the bar or clubs with the rest of the band, he was having a party in his room. He was also sleeping with other women. 

After the show in Lyon, Martin was drunk and when the band went to Le Boston. It started with a song playing. Sydney didn’t know what it was, but he took some ecstasy and the next thing she knew, he had got on a table and started stripping. That would have been fine if a strange woman hadn’t started performing oral sex on him in front of everyone. Although Martin expressed his hesitation, no one stopped it from happening. In fact, Dave loudly cheered him on and Alan raised his bottle in salute. When Martin finished, the woman turned around and showed everyone that she’d swallowed.

Sydney was absolutely appalled and convinced Martin to get down from the table. He asked her if she’d seen it as if he _wasn’t_ the one who’d just gotten a blow job. She asked Daryl to take Martin back to his room, yanked Alan’s chair so he fell backwards, and made Dave spill his drink on his pants. Then, she slapped the woman and slammed her head on a table. It was very satisfying.

The next morning, Sydney lost it on Dave and Alan about the situation. Then, she told Martin what happened and made him get tested for STDs and AIDS. He came back clean, but she still made him take the ten-day regimen of antibiotics he was prescribed.

...

There was something strange in the air in Barcelona. It was complicated.

Sydney woke up with the feeling that something bad was going to happen. After she ate breakfast and took a shower, she called Daniel and he let her know that Lily was in town. Sydney made a mental note to let Martin know. Then, she ran into Teresa for the first time in almost six months.

Teresa had changed a lot since the last time they had seen each other. Sydney hugged her sister and they went to the pool. After a swim, Teresa lashed out at Sydney almost immediately. Everything that Sydney had done up to that point was wrong and Daniel was using her to get his agenda across to push Alan forward as the most important member of the band, according to Teresa. When Sydney tried to tell her sister that she was wrong, Teresa stormed out.

Martin woke up with a really bad hangover that not even a Bloody Mary could fix. Jonathan had gotten a small promotion from the accountant to Sydney’s assistant and he helped Martin, but he didn’t tell Sydney _how_ he’d helped. When she asked Andy about Lily being in Barcelona, he told her that it was the first time he’d heard of Lily being there. He also said that Martin didn’t know, either.

That afternoon, Sydney sat with the psychiatrist and tried to figure out why she felt so nervous. She went over her day and everything that had happened thus far. Yet, neither she or the psychiatrist could figure out what was wrong. The psychiatrist wanted to prescribe her tranquilizers, and she reluctantly turned him down.

After she came back to the venue from a “relaxing” walk, Martin was the first person she saw and he was uncharacteristically fidgety. He almost didn’t see her until she said, “Mart, how did the soundcheck go?”

He looked up at the sky, as if he was thinking about it. Then, he replied, “Good.”

“Martin?”

“Sydney?”

He burst out laughing and Sydney pulled him into his dressing room. “What are you on?”

“I believe that it’s none of your business, Sydney...Kidney,” he replied.

“Martin, I swear that I will strangle you with your guitar strap if you don’t tell me what you’re on.”

He sighed. “It’s nothing, nothing but a little cocaine.”

Sydney was stunned. Ecstasy was always Martin’s drug of choice, so she was surprised. “Where’d you get the cocaine?”

He shook his head. “I’m not answering any more questions.”

“Are you going to be able to perform?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Promise?”

“Yes. Hey, that was two more questions.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’m gonna go so you can get dressed.”

“Thank you,” he called as she headed out of his dressing room. She was on her way to check on the rest of the band when she got a feeling that she had forgotten something. 

Thirty minutes later, Daryl approached Sydney and told her that Lily was on her way. That’s when Sydney realized that Martin hadn’t mentioned his fiancée for months, and she forgot to tell him that that fiancée was in Barcelona. Something was definitely off, but Sydney ended up distracted by Lily and how great she looked.

Her raven hair had been straightened and she had half of her hair up while the rest of it was down. The dress she was wearing was navy blue and midi-length with cascading bell sleeves. The heels to her black Christian Louboutin stilettos were so thin, they barely made a noise when she walked. 

After Daryl walked away, leaving the two women together, Lily hugged Sydney and said, “It’s so good to see you! I can’t believe how gorgeous you look.”

“You look great, too, Lily,” Sydney replied as she realized that Lily was high.

When Lily let Sydney go, she looked around. “Do you know where Martin’s dressing room is? I’m trying to surprise him. He wanted me to come on the tour with him back when it started, but I didn’t want to leave Briar. We agreed that I would meet up with him and go on some dates, but he thinks that we’re meeting up in Cologne.”

“I see. So, you and Mart are back together?”

“No. Well...we hadn’t talked about it.”

Sydney was going to ask what that meant, but Jonathan came up to her and Lily. He was supposed to update Sydney on how the band was doing, but he was _also_ high and distracted by Lily. He started asking her a million questions and she answered them politely, but Sydney could tell that he made her uncomfortable. 

Martin was walking around and playing his guitar in a silent, drug-fueled trance when he saw Lily talking with Jonathan and Sydney. Jonathan had put one of his hands on Olivia’s hip and seemed to be pulling her closer when Martin approached Sydney, Jonathan, and Olivia. “Jonathan, do you want to get your hands off my fiancée?”

Lily’s eyes lit up when she saw Martin and she threw her arms around him. “Martin! I know we were supposed to meet in Cologne, but I wanted to surprise you. Jude’s here, too. I haven’t seen Jude since the christening, but we’re all going to Razzmatazz after the show.”

Martin had been nodding at everything Lily was saying but when she stopped talking, he replied, “Lil, are you on one?”

“Yeah. I got one from Jude.”

Sydney watched as Martin pushed his hair out of his face and looked at Lily like he was going to scream at her. Lily blinked at him slowly and then, he said, “I missed you. A lot. I can’t even tell you…”

Lily nodded. “I know. I missed you, too. Whenever you’re gone, it’s like...you’d look really good with my lipstick on.”

Two minutes before showtime, Teresa glared at Sydney and sauntered to her seat. Lily applied a light layer of her lipstick on Martin and then put eyeliner on him. When she was done, he told her to stand on the sidelines and watch the show from there. She listened to him intently and nodded. He then gave her a kiss before he took his place onstage. 

Sydney’s head was throbbing from everything that had happened backstage, but the band was on fire that night. Martin’s sexual energy was through the charts and during most of the show, he was feeling the music more than playing it.

Andy was having a good night and he was smiling and dancing along to the music. Alan was watchful but also on another level. Dave was calm, but he and Martin were almost in sync with one another and on a higher plane than everyone else. That energy was seductive.

When the band performed “Condemnation,” she had no idea how there could be a dry eye in the house. Dave and Martin sang as if they were singing for their lives. Dave maintained his composure and reassured Sydney that he was okay. Martin had tears coursing down his face and didn’t realize it. Sydney had to turn her back to the band to hide the fact that she was sobbing.

That performance was the only time that Lily just stood and listened. She blinked tears away, but that was it. Sydney couldn’t tell how Lily was feeling at all.

During "Enjoy the Silence," Dave pulled Lily on stage while the audience was singing along. He alternated between slow dancing with her and then handing her over to Martin, who was more or less pacing the stage. Lily was tickled and laughing, but did not want to be on stage. Her chemistry, however, with Dave was amazing and she wasn't even trying. He spun her around slowly, as if he was showing her off to the masses. Then, Lily went to Martin, who managed to put his guitar around her and played his solo with her against him. When he had to let her go, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then went back to the sidelines.

After the show, Daryl corralled some of the groupies and a lot of them were asking for Martin. Word had gotten around that he had been open to playing and they wanted to participate. Sydney was exhausted and ignored Daryl when he asked her where Martin was. All he had to do was go to Martin’s dressing room. The door was partially open, or open for anyone curious enough to see that Lily was losing herself with her fiancé.

An hour later, Martin invited Sydney, as he called her, to go out with him and Lily, who had fallen asleep. She would have declined but decided that she had nothing to lose and accepted the invitation. Before they left, Martin woke Olivia up while Sydney wished Alan, Andy, and Dave good night. Teresa gave her a kiss on the cheek, as if that would fix her behavior.

Sydney, Martin, and Lily went to Razzmatazz and met up with Jude, who introduced them to her boyfriend, Christian, and a model named Angela. It was love at first sight for Sydney and Angela didn’t hesitate to take her on to the dance floor. Lily and Jude soon followed and they cleared the floor. To the club kids, it was a sight to behold. 

Martin sat down in a booth with Christian while the women commanded the dance floor. Jude and Lily danced with each other while Sydney and Angela danced on one another. Angela moved her body against Sydney and it was one of the sexiest feelings in the world. Then, the model followed it up by kissing Sydney. 

An hour later, Sydney took Angela back to her hotel room while Jude and Christian went to their apartment and Martin brought Lily back to his hotel room so the private parties could begin.

...

By the time the band made it to Budapest, everyone was tired and emotions were running high. Martin was happier now that Lily was traveling with him, Andy’s mood seemed to be better regulated and Dave was doing better now that Teresa had gone home. However, there were still underlying tensions that hadn’t been addressed, especially between Sydney and Alan. 

Alan started to take issue with Sydney’s ability to change things if she wanted. She never used the power, but he didn’t like that she had it. After Barcelona, he started to make passive aggressive comments when he wasn’t flat-out ignoring any suggestions she made.

During soundcheck, Sydney heard “Judas” being played in a different key than normal. She went to Martin and inquired, “Did you authorize a key change?”

Martin shook his head. “It was like this when I got here. I think Alan changed it.”

“He’s not supposed to change it,” she murmured while she walked over to Alan, who was tuning the piano. 

“Hey, Al? Did you change the key for ‘Judas’? It sounds nothing like the album version.”

He glanced up at her and replied, “I think it sounds better.”

“Actually, it doesn’t. It may throw everyone off tonight. I can’t authorize this. Can you please change it back?”

“What makes you think you can authorize anything, Syd? You’re just the _tour manager_.”

“I’m still a _manager_ , Alan, which means that I have the ability to authorize things so change it back.”

“Fuck off, Sydney.”

“Are you kidding me?”

He stood up and stuck his finger in her face. “Do you know how ineffectual you are? You walk around here like you know the ins and outs of this band, but you don’t know a fucking thing. You, Sydney, throw around your invisible power but really, you are a _rude_ little asshole who is incapable of doing your job.”

Dave, Andy, and Martin started to intervene but Sydney stopped them. “I’m the asshole, Alan? What about you? _You_ think that you have some power in this band when it’s really _Martin_ holding everything together, you self-righteous dictator.”

Alan shoved Sydney hard enough to make her stumble and told her to fuck off again. She picked up one of the microphones and threw it in his direction before walking towards him. Andy grabbed her in time and she screamed at Alan to shove her again. Martin and Dave screamed at Alan for shoving Sydney.

Alan then started in Sydney’s direction and Dave had to hold him back while Alan and Sydney both screamed “fuck you” to one another. Andy finally carried Sydney out of the auditorium and Martin threatened to kick the shit out of Alan if he put his hands on her again. Dave demanded that Alan changed the key back. The concert that night managed to go off without a hitch, but Alan was in a sour mood for the rest of the night.

...

Somehow, everyone managed to get past the next three days and finished the European leg of the tour alive and intact. While she knew that everyone was more than happy to be away from her, Sydney was also more than happy to be away from everyone.


	11. The Only Piece That Held it All in Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin continues to spiral. Sydney finds out who is responsible for her career setback. Olivia is given an ultimatum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, dates, concerts, locations, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Lily and Martin spent the five days after Barcelona in a sex and party-fueled haze. Martin wanted another baby and it sounded like a good idea whenever he asked her if they could try to make one. Then, she’d remember the next morning that she’d taken her pill the day before and take her pill for that day. 

On Martin’s birthday, he and Lily flew back to London to spend the day with Briar. She was still just a year old, so she didn’t understand the concept of birthdays but it made Lily happy to see how happy Martin was to see their daughter. Both Jack and Vivien were cordial to Martin but also distant. Vivien told Lily that they wanted to talk to her when she got settled and then, they both went into the office.

While Martin was with Briar, Lily called Ginger and got the details of when  _ Friendly Fire _ was supposed to start filming. When Ginger told her that it was filming in New York, she was ecstatic. Otherwise, she was confused about why her parents were acting strangely.

She knocked on the door three times and opened the door. Her father held his hand out to the empty seat and said, “Close the door and have a seat, Olivia. We need to talk.”

She did what she was told and replied. “What’s going on? Am I in trouble?”

“Your mother and I are...worried about you.”

“You don’t need to be. I’m fine.”

“We’ve tried very hard to stay out of your life because you’re an adult but ever since Martin, you’ve been out of control.”

Lily laughed incredulously. “Are you kidding? I have  _ not _ been out of control!”

“Olivia, you lied to us about how and when you met Martin,” Vivien interjected, “while it may have been absolutely true that you saw each other in Milan, I found out that you met him while filming a music video. When you introduced him to us, you said you’d reconnected after a year when you’d really known him for  _ days _ . He was living with you and you traveled to another country with him after knowing each other for  _ days. _ ”

“Momma, I’m sorry I lied, but he was on break from his tour and we only had three weeks, so we wanted to be together for as long as possible.”

“That doesn’t excuse you cavorting around with Madonna, doing a music video where you’re in an orgy and another where you’re with two men in a sheet. Then, you posed nude and in dominatrix costumes for her book five months after having Briar, which led me to discover Martin’s own affinity for taking off his clothes. I haven’t even gotten to his current behavior. I don’t know what is going on with him, but  _ you _ are my daughter and this has been unacceptable for some time.”

Lily looked down at the carpet and then at her mother. “You’re scolding me for things that happened years ago and I am not even doing  _ half _ of the things I was doing then. You shouldn’t blame Martin for it, either. He and I were broken up when I did my first music video with Madonna. I was single. As for the photo shoot for the book, he refused to let me go by myself and we broke up again over the music video in support of the book as well as the music video for ‘Bad Girl.’ But, I did those videos because I wanted to. I was having fun.”

“What happened in Barcelona?” Jack inquired.

She turned slowly towards her father. “What are you talking about? How did you know I went to Barcelona?”

“I have my ways. Now, answer the question, Olivia. Are you addicted to drugs? Is Martin addicted to drugs?”

“I’m not addicted to  _ anything _ and it was both of you who wanted me to go on tour with Martin.”

“You’re right, but we didn’t say for you to take drugs and party all night. The reckless behavior ends now, Olivia. This was the exact reason why we sent you to Juilliard. We thought you would have gotten this out of your system by graduation, but you haven’t, now things have to change. If you keep going in this manner, your mother and I will petition the court for sole legal custody of Briar.”

“You would take my baby away from me,” Lily murmured in shock.

“Your behavior would give me no choice.”

Vivien walked over to the window overlooking the gardens and looked out. “I never thought I would have to have this conversation. You and Martin have a child to think about. It’s time for the two of you to be adults.”

Lily wiped her face and replied curtly. “I’ll be sure not to misbehave again.”

Vivien tried to pull Lily into a hug, but Lily shrugged her off. Then, she walked out of her father’s office, feeling desolate and betrayed.

After Martin’s birthday, he and Lily said goodbye to Briar and went back on the road for the remaining dates before the break. It was like a light had gone out of Lily, though. She went to bed after the show and tried to get Martin to come back with her. He did only once and when he told her that he couldn’t relax that way, she went back to the hotel room alone and she would be asleep when he got back. 

He stopped asking to have another baby and suddenly, the prospect of a reconciliation was put on hold as well. When the break began, Lily and her parents took Briar and went to New York so Lily could start training for her film. Martin stayed in London.

...

The behavior on tour continued its decline after the break was over. Andy’s mental state was getting progressively worse. Martin was flying off the handle, getting drunk out of his mind. The psychiatrist quit while the drug dealer stayed. Dave started losing his voice, continued to throw himself into the audience like he was Mighty Mouse, and had gotten arrested in Quebec with Daryl and a bodyguard. Jonathan spent a lot of his time with Dave and doing things on the side that Sydney either didn’t know about or found out about later. A lot of things managed to occur under the radar.

Then, the threesome happened. 

...

Martin, Andy, Dave and Teresa were at a club in New York, and Martin was feeling particularly lonely. He knew that he could have gone to see Lily and Briar at the apartment, but he hadn’t spoken to Lily since Briar’s birthday. He’d left a message for her earlier that night, telling her where he’d be, but he hadn’t been back to his room to see if she’d called back. 

Out of nowhere, a woman came up to him and started kissing him, so he kissed her back. Then, that woman brought her friend over and Martin kissed the friend as well. He offered to buy them drinks and they accepted, but he had to get some money from Daryl because he had no American currency. Between drinking, signing autographs, and talking with fans; he danced and made out with the women. The women also made out with one another and that freedom, as well as the alcohol, made him giddy. 

Dave and Teresa were in their own little world and Andy had disappeared, so Martin was left with his two companions. They seemed to be familiar with the club so he asked them where the restroom was. Instead of them just pointing him in the direction, they followed him and watched him relieve himself. In any other circumstance, he would’ve been bothered but since he was drunk, he didn’t really give a damn. The women were persistent, so he invited them back to his hotel room.

In the limo, Martin ended up in a conversation with the women about drugs. He didn’t remember how it started, but they talked about cocaine and one of the women, who was named Veronica, asked him about Dave getting heroin back at the club. He didn’t notice it and he told them that he knew nothing about Dave’s heroin use. Then, he talked about how much he liked ecstasy, carefully omitting that he liked it best because of the marathon ecstasy-fueled lovemaking sessions he’d have with Lily.

Back at his hotel room, Veronica called room service for more alcohol and was refused while Martin took off his shirt, checked to see if Lily had left any messages, and looked for a radio. He didn’t have either, so he turned on the television. “Personal Jesus” was playing on MTV and it made him feel like he was in some kind of alternate universe. Then, Jen, the other woman, looked around the room and asked him where his condoms were. 

Martin blinked at them and wondered to himself if he’d asked them back to his room to have sex. He then asked Jen and Veronica if they were sure that they wanted to have sex. They looked at him like he was an idiot, so he called Jonathan and muttered to himself that this wasn’t something he did. Ten minutes later, Jonathan arrived with a paper bag full of condoms.

...

Sydney’s room was across from Martin’s that night and she’d just come back from seeing Angela when she saw the door to Martin’s room. She frowned and as she was opening her door, she saw Jonathan handing a half-dressed and fully drunk Martin a paper bag before telling him to have fun. Sydney wouldn’t have thought anything of it had she not noticed the two dark-haired women hanging all over Martin. 

Jonathan and Sydney locked eyes as he was leaving and he hurriedly closed the door to Martin’s room before scurrying off. For a time, she could hear moans and laughter coming from Martin’s room. It was still going on when Sydney fell asleep, but she made a promise to herself that she would rip Martin a new one when she got up in the morning.

...

Lily had a few days off from filming, so she had taken Briar upstate for the day and they didn’t get back to the apartment at about 7 pm. Then, Lily fed Briar, gave her a bath and washed her hair, and read her a bedtime story while Briar held Marvin. It wasn't long before Briar was sound asleep and Lily didn’t get to listen to Martin's message until around 11 pm. 

Even though she knew that he was probably out at a nightclub, she left a brief message telling him that she had been upstate with Briar and that she would see him in the morning.   


The next morning, Lily woke up with Briar in the bed next to her, playing with her hair. When she opened her eyes, she looked at Briar, who smiled and said, "Hi hi, Mommy."

Lily sat up and kissed her daughter on the forehead before picking her up and bringing her to the bathroom, where she gave Briar a bath. When that was done; she made breakfast, jumped into the shower, and got Briar dressed for preschool. She dropped her daughter off with a kiss and after speaking with Briar’s teacher for a couple of minutes, Lily jumped into a cab and asked the driver to take her to the Rihga Royal hotel.

...

Martin woke up feeling sick to his stomach and it wasn’t entirely because of his hangover, either. Jen got out of the bed and went to the bathroom and he ended up having sex with Veronica, although his mind was elsewhere. He finished fairly quickly and thought of it as a small mercy.

The phone rang as Jen was leaving the bathroom and when he answered it, Sydney was on the other end. She curtly told him that the band was leaving in an hour, which was a relief because it gave him an excuse to get rid of the women in his room.

He shuffled to the bathroom with the two used condoms and tossed them in the wastebasket. Then, he stepped into the shower and washed off his dried sweat, the dried sweat of the women, as well as any remnants of his orgasms. After his shower, he threw on some clothes and put on perfume from the bottle he’d bought from a drugstore. The phone started ringing again but this time, he ignored it. He really wanted to get the women out of his room. 

As they walked to the elevator, he asked Veronica to give him his cardigan back. She pouted but he wasn’t going to let her keep it. Only Lily had the permission to keep his clothes. Veronica reluctantly handed his cardigan back and he thanked her.

Martin then gave the women a kiss as the elevator was opening. When the kisses were over, he smiled at them and turned to go back to his room, listening as they whispered to each other about all of the celebrities at the hotel. Martin hadn’t been paying attention until he heard “celebrities” and then turned back towards the elevator, thinking it was Sydney or Andy. Instead, it was Lily, and she had seen him kiss both of the women.

They stared at one another and Martin said, “Lil, I — Lil...fuck. Lily —”

He had gotten used to her fiery pushbacks and the way she screamed at him, but he didn’t expect the way that she was silent. Her eyes were cold and she was silent. Then, she nodded, as if she’d been having a conversation with herself, and replied, “I hope they were worth it.”

...

Sydney had seen Lily arrive at the hotel and tried to call Martin to give him a heads up, but he never answered. So, she got on the elevator up to Martin’s floor. When the elevator door opened, she almost walked right into Lily. 

Sydney felt awkward standing next to the elevator behind Lily, but she needed Martin. The only time she stepped in was when it was time for the band to leave for the interview. Martin refused to go and asked her to cover for him. Normally, she would have given Martin hell, but she decided to let it go and went back down to the lobby.

When everyone returned back to the hotel from the interview, Sydney could hear Martin and Lily screaming at one another in his room, Lily doing more of the screaming. It went on for at least two more hours and then, the room went silent. When Martin arrived to soundcheck, he was drunk and by showtime, he was even drunker. 

That night, Sydney confronted Jonathan about giving Martin the condoms and told him that Lily had found out about Martin’s threesome. Jonathan apologized and promised that he would only do things within the parameters of his position, but she didn’t believe him.

...

The tour continued to go as planned and Sydney took a week off. Then, Martin was arrested in Denver for disturbing the peace. Her first night back on the tour was in Denver, so she was tasked with bailing Martin out and heard him singing Elvis songs from the front of the jail. The police officer asked her if she was 18 and she had to show her ID to prove that she was 24.

Once Martin was bailed out and in a jacket and shoes, she hired a car to bring them back to the hotel. He was still a little drunk and trying not to laugh. She looked at him and said, "You are so fucking lucky that you weren't banned from the hotel. Disturbing the peace? Isn't it bad enough that you already do that with the shit that you wear?"

"I'm sorry, Syd,” he said, rolling his eyes.

"Fuck you, Martin. For all I know, you were probably the one who told Daniel not to promote me until the tour was over. Heaven knows all the shit you’ve all done put me on Daniel‘s bad side.”

"I didn’t tell Daniel anything. Alan did. He and Dave didn't feel like we needed a manager right now, but Alan went to Daniel. Then after what happened in Budapest, he called Daniel again and said that the fight he had with you was the reason he wanted to push the promotion back. You didn’t know?”

"Alan? I can’t believe him," she said, hurt lacing her voice.

“I’m sorry. I thought you knew. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t seen Lily since New York.”

She looked at Martin. “She’s still mad about what happened?”

He nodded. “She and I had a huge fight in my hotel room that day. It went on until she couldn’t stop crying. Finally, she wore herself out and fell asleep on the couch. I picked up Briar from school and I’m surprised they even gave her to me because I’d been drinking. They stayed over that night, but I was lucky because they were both still asleep when I came back to the room. Lily told me that her parents had threatened to take Briar away, though, so I don’t even know what to do with that.”

“I’m sorry, Mart.”

“Well, I’ve seen Briar since, but Jude is usually the one that has her. Also, Lily’s back at work, so there’s that,” he said.

They were silent for a moment and then, Sydney remembered the original conversation. “Mart, what does your relationship problems have to do with Alan fucking up my promotion?”

Martin shrugged. “Nothing. I just thought you would want to know.”

"Martin, I’m really fucking angry, so your relationship woes will have to wait," Sydney snapped.

He went quiet for a moment and then muttered, “Sounds like you and Alan have your own relationship woes.”

She punched him in the shoulder and he cackled while sitting back in his seat. Then, he squeezed her knee. "Things will be fine, Syd. I promise. We'll behave."

...

Martin was wrong. The band continued their antics. In fact, Martin practically crawled into a business meeting the day after filming a music video in Los Angeles and laid down on the floor, sprawled out. He could barely even speak, only say yes or no. Sydney kneeled down next to Martin and said, "Mart? What's going on, buddy? Are you okay?"

He opened one eye and then closed it. "Yes."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No."

"Are you sure, buddy?"

"Yes?"

She went back to her seat and continued on with the meeting, looking at Martin intermittently. Once the meeting was over and everyone was getting ready to leave, Martin stood up and went rigid, making a strange noise. Then, he fell over and started convulsing. Sydney made Alan call 911 while she called Martin's emergency contact. 

An hour later, Lily, who had been with her parents, walked into Cedars-Sinai’s emergency room and found Sydney in the waiting room. When she approached Sydney, she frowned and said, "Is he okay? How bad is it?"

"Martin had a seizure. They said that he would be okay, but that's all they'll tell me. He was still unconscious when I saw him last.”

Lily nodded and went to the registration desk to let them know that she was there for Martin. A few minutes later, she was ushered back to the triage room where Martin was. He was fussing with the nurse about being given IV fluids. She moved the curtain aside and Martin moved upright. "What are you doing here, Lil?"

"Sydney called me," she replied, "she said that you came into a meeting looking like shit and you couldn't stand. Then, you started convulsing. What in the hell happened?"

Sydney came in and stood behind Lily. Martin glared at his publicist and said as he pitched forward, "I'm going to sack her. That's what is going to happen."

He immediately felt lightheaded and fell back against his pillow while the nurse said, "Mr. Gore, please remain lying down."

The doctor got Lily’s attention by touching her shoulder and her eyes narrowed at Martin before going towards the waiting room with Sydney. "I take it that you’re Mrs. Gore?"

"...Yes," she replied. "What happened to him? What caused the seizure? Martin doesn’t have a history of epilepsy.”

"Acute alcohol intoxication. His blood-alcohol level was five times the legal limit. He also had narcotics in his system. That and stress led to the seizure. I’ve advised him that he would have to cut back on the alcohol and drugs if he wanted to continue living. With someone of his size, I'm surprised his organs hadn't shut down. He also mentioned that he’d had one a couple of weeks ago.”

Sydney chuckled, "Martin  _ really _ knows how to hold his liquor."

The doctor shook his head and then looked at Lily. "We could keep him overnight for observation and keep him on some IV fluids to hopefully flush out the alcohol in his system. However, he’s insisting on being discharged. You  _ could _ override that as a member of his family."

Lily nodded. "Okay. I’ll override it and stay with him."

Sydney left and Lily walked back to Martin's triage area. The nurse had finally gotten the IV in and he was in a sour mood. She sat down next to him and said, “I gave them permission to keep you overnight for observation. Briar’s with my parents and they’ll be moving you into a room shortly.”

"Lil, I don’t need to stay overnight and I don’t need you to monitor me."

"Apparently, you do or you'll drink yourself to death."

"I was having fun. Apparently, it was a little too much fun and I was stressed out.

"Clearly, you’re having too much fun on this tour," she whispered.

"I fucked up but you have to stop holding it against me like a weapon, Lily, or it’ll destroy us both.”

Lily took a shaky breath but fought back tears. "What’s going to happen when you decide that you don’t want me and Briar anymore?”

"I will  _ always _ want you and Briar.”

She shook her head. “I don’t believe you, not anymore.”

“Lily...”

“It’s scary to love you, Martin. It hurts to love you and yet, I can’t stop. I can’t make myself stop.”

Martin took her hand and sighed. “I’m sorry that I keep hurting you, Lil. I love you so much and there are times when I feel like I don’t deserve it. Then, there are times when I just know that my heart is always with you.”

She wiped her face and looked at him while he squeezed her hand. When it was time for Martin to be moved to a room, Lily called her parents and let them know that Martin had an accident that required him to be in the hospital overnight for observation. Then, she returned to his side and stayed up until she couldn’t anymore.


	12. ...Now, We're Feeling Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin goes missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, dates, locations, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.
> 
> This chapter is one of those purely fictional chapters. This never happened. Ever.

Sydney knew things that they all had to be brought low in order to get high, but she didn’t anticipate them hitting absolute rock bottom. 

Martin had eased up on the drinking after his seizures. He still took ecstasy and did a lot of dancing by himself, but his bedroom activities became a mystery. Groupies stopped asking about hooking up with him specifically after the threesome. 

Dave had started to clearly show signs of a drug addiction and his behavior deteriorated. He stopped being as upbeat and exuberant. Whenever Teresa was around, Sydney would try to get her to reveal what Dave was on, but Teresa was tight-lipped and acting just as strange. At the same time, Teresa would try to feed Sydney ideas that Alan was trying to take over the group and wanted her gone. 

Sydney would have been lying if she said that Teresa’s words didn’t affect her, especially after Budapest and finding out that he’d spoken to Daniel to postpone her promotion. It was even harder to ignore because it was coming from her own sister. If it was coming from someone else, she could have been able to ignore it, but not from Teresa.

Jonathan started getting more overt in his effort to gain more power within the band while openly enabling Dave. He steered clear of enabling Martin as much, and Sydney assumed it was because of Lily’s power in Hollywood. Sydney couldn’t do much with managing the band, but she had enough pull with Daniel to keep Jonathan low on the totem pole, so she used it to get him demoted back to accountant. 

Effective immediately, he had to report back to Los Angeles.

...

In Birmingham, the second show of the final leg, Martin disappeared. He’d received a phone call and after the call ended, he walked out of his dressing room and left the venue in a daze. Sydney was talking to the rest of the band, so no one even noticed that he’d left.

After learning of the disappearance, Sydney made the executive decision to cancel the show. Alan was annoyed, Andy was worried, and Dave was too high to care. Even though they probably were not listening, Sydney said that they could reschedule the show once Martin was located alive but if he was dead, the band would be over.

She went onstage alone and announced to the audience that the show would have to be rescheduled due to a family medical emergency. Thankfully, most of the audience was fine with the announcement and left the venue. Once enough of the audience had left, she had Daryl search backstage for Martin.

Sydney’s worst nightmare was that she would find him dead in a puddle of alcohol that had fallen from his hand or a puddle of his vomit. An hour later, Daryl reported that Martin was nowhere to be found. His guitar was still in his dressing room and none of the groupies had seen him, either.

Sydney went to Martin’s hotel room, but he wasn’t there and nothing was out of the ordinary. She went through his datebook to see if, perhaps, Lily and Briar were in town and he’d lost track of time because he wanted to spend the day with his family. But, Lily and Briar were in New York, and Martin was nowhere to be found. He had simply vanished.

...

At 2:43 in the morning, Sydney woke up to her phone ringing. She was annoyed to be pulled out of her sleep but then, she remembered that Martin was still missing. Reluctantly, she picked up the phone and said, “Hello?”

“Syd? It’s me, Martin Gore,” he replied tremulously. 

“Martin, I know who you are. Where are you?”

“I — I don’t know. I’m still in the city. I just don’t know where. I’m not — I’m not sure.”

“Look around you, Martin. Is there something that is like a landmark? I need a clue so I can find you,” Sydney directed, desperate to find him.

“Um...give me a bit.”

Silence.

“Mart. Martin…?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you still there?”

“Yes. I had just...I fell asleep for a second.”

“Martin, look for a street sign.”

“Okay. One minute...Bowes? I think it says Bowes, um, Road.”

Sydney jumped out of bed and threw a jacket on. “Okay. I will get there as soon as I can. I need you to stay near the phone.”

Martin sighed and fell silent. Then, he replied. “Okay.”

Sydney hung up the phone, threw on a coat and shoes, and ran down to the cab stand outside of the hotel. As soon as she jumped into one, she gave the driver money and told him to find a spot near Bowes Road that would have a pay phone. 

It took her about forty minutes but as soon as she saw Martin, she paid the driver a hefty tip and jumped out of the cab. He was slumped over and for a moment, she thought that he had froze to death. Then, she got closer and saw that he’d dozed off to sleep. When she touched his shoulder, he opened his bloodshot eyes and said, “Syd, you made it.”

She let out a sigh of relief and then replied, “Martin, why in the hell are you out here? We had a show tonight that I had to cancel.”

He scrunched his eyes closed. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I completely forgot.”

“What happened to you? Where’d you go?

“It’s a long story that I’ll tell you, but it’s really cold out here.”

Sydney called a cab to pick her and Martin up. One came within minutes and brought them back to the hotel. He pivoted towards the hotel bar and she pulled him to the elevator. When they made it to her room, she called room service and ordered two cups of tea. She put a blanket around Martin after he removed his shoes and jacket and sat down on the sofa. Once the tea arrived, she poured a cup for him. 

They drank their tea in silence and out of the blue, Martin said, “Lily’s in the hospital.”

Sydney nearly dropped her cup and sat it down on her nightstand. “Wait. What?”

Martin closed his eyes and she thought he’d fallen asleep again but then, he opened them and whispered, “Her father called. There was an accident on set and she had to be rushed into surgery.”

“Mart…”

“After I got the call, I couldn’t breathe. I took a walk and ran into some fans. We went to a club and then, we went to  _ another _ club, where I got some stuff. Then, I got bored by them so I left but I couldn’t remember how to get back to the venue or the hotel.”

Sydney frowned. “Mart, do you want to stop the tour now? We can do that and you can go to New York.”

He shook his head. “No. That wouldn’t be fair to the others. She has her parents and Briar for now.”

“Martin...”

“She was shot on set. They should have never put her in the position for her to get shot. She...”

He passed out before he could finish his sentence and Sydney gave him a kiss on the cheek. She hoped that he would be okay, but she knew that he probably wouldn’t be until he knew for sure that Lily had pulled through. 

...

Business returned to normal later that day and at Sydney’s request, no one asked Martin where he went or why he’d taken off. Dave really wanted to ask, but Sydney threatened to make him eat every one of his candles if he did. 

She was later able to get in contact with Ginger to get more information. Ginger got Sydney in contact with Vivien, who told her that Lily would be home before Martin came back to the US but that she and Jack were waiting for him.

For the remainder of that leg, Sydney let Martin be. He didn’t take as much ecstasy or drink as much. He also avoided women, but he seemed to be fine after Sydney told him that he spoke with Vivien. The rest of the shows went on as planned until it was finally time to go home. 


	13. World Was on Fire...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily experiences a stunt gone wrong. Everyone cuts loose during the tour. A wish is granted and wedding bells are rung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, dates, locations, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

_Friendly Fire_ was nearing the end, but there were some action sequences that still needed to be filmed. Lily’s character was supposed to be shot and Joel wanted her to do the stunt because he planned on filming the scene up close.

When Alec shot the gun, Lily flinched and stumbled back against a wall. Joel asked if she was okay, but she didn’t answer. She looked at Joel and said, “Something is...wrong.” 

No one knew what the problem was at first until her blue blouse started to become purple. Kiefer pointed out that Lily was bleeding and she slid down to the floor. At that point, Joel and the medics rushed over to her and saw that she’d been hit with a live round. She was in and out of consciousness when they rushed her to the hospital.

Vivien arrived just as Lily was being wheeled in. She was barely conscious and the paramedics were explaining to the attending doctor that the bullet had broken into pieces. Vivien ran her fingers through Lily’s hair and Lily begged her mother not to let her die. 

When they brought Lily into surgery, Vivien called Jack to tell him what was happening and get him to call Martin.

The surgeons were able to remove the pieces of the bullet, which luckily avoided hitting her organs. Lily was going to make a full recovery but advised Vivien and Jack to get her into therapy as soon as possible. She stayed in the hospital for a week and started therapy there.

Filming was halted indefinitely while Lily recovered and an investigation was conducted, partially in fear of Jack bankrupting the studio.

...

Once the tour was over, Martin took a flight from Heathrow to JFK. Vivien and Briar were waiting for him when he got off of the plane at a quarter to 1pm. As soon as he saw them, he hugged Vivien and she said, “How was your flight, Martin?”

“Long,” he replied, “I haven’t gotten any sleep and I’m — how is Lily?”

“She’s doing as well as she can right now. I think seeing you will make her feel better.”

He smiled and picked up Briar, who clung to him and grabbed handfuls of his hair. After they walked to the baggage claim so he could get his bag as he’d only taken his guitar as a carry-on, they got into Vivien’s car and the driver took them to the townhouse.

...

Lily had just awakened when Vivien and Briar came home with Martin. Jack was doing work in his office and their part-time maid, Anya, was making lunch. Lily’s mobility was limited and she couldn’t hold Briar, which was puzzling to the toddler. Her ability to walk and stand hadn’t been impacted, but she couldn’t bend as much. She also had to take pain medication and a tranquilizer that made her sleepy, so she slept most of the day and was only awakened when it was time to eat. 

The time she spent with Briar became very important to her. She and Briar napped together and spent a lot of time in the bed. They took walks around the townhouse. She couldn’t carry Briar, but she could hold her hand and walk with her. Sometimes, Briar wanted to play “doctor,” and that helped Lily give her daughter a better sense of what was going on.

Martin opened the door to Lily’s bedroom and came in, holding Briar. When he sat Briar on the bed, she crawled beside Lily and whispered, “Nap time, mommy.”

Lily ran her fingers through Briar’s hair and Martin laughed. When she looked up at Martin again, she smiled weakly and said, “I didn’t want them to tell you.”

“I would have taken that real well, coming in and finding you all bandaged up because you’d been shot and didn’t tell me.”

He kissed her on the forehead and then kissed her lips. She kissed him back and touched his cheek when they parted. When she looked back at their daughter, she found Briar asleep. So, she tucked Briar in and had Martin help her out of the bed. After Lily turned out the lights and pushed up the door, she finally let herself cry. 

She laid her head against Martin’s chest and he ran his fingers through her hair. He held her for what felt like hours and she cried for what felt like decades. When she was sure she had run out of tears, she looked up at him and he dried her face. It was just as graceful as he’d done it in Copenhagen years before.

...

The jet lag won out and Martin slept like a baby next to Lily in her bedroom. Briar had her own room, but Martin learned that she slept with Lily most of the time.

At three a.m., Martin jolted awake from a nightmare. In it, he and Lily were dancing at their wedding and when the clock struck 11:14, she went limp in his arms. The worst part was that instead of trying to revive her, he laid her in the ocean and watched her sink underwater with her eyes still open.

He looked down at his hands and found them shaking. Then, he put his fingers on her pulse to make sure that it was still beating. She stirred and he let out a shaky breath, telling himself it had only been a dream. Then, he got up and went to the kitchen.

Jack was sitting at the kitchen island with a glass of cognac when Martin walked in. Martin picked up a glass and said, “I’m sorry. I was just getting some water. I’ll leave you alone.”

“Couldn’t sleep, either, Martin?”

He shook his head. “Bad dream.”

“Are you a cognac man?”

Martin shrugged and Jack held up the decanter. “Come. Have a seat.”

He sat down next to Jack and watched as Lily’s father poured the cognac in Martin’s glass. Then, he clinked his glass against Martin’s and took a sip. After he finished his sip, he said, “It’s funny, Martin. I thought I had you pegged. I knew you weren’t in it for the money, but Olivia’s very smart and beautiful, and you seem to be very... _focused_ on sex. I was convinced that you were using her for that. Then, Briar was born and I was under the impression that you were only around out of obligation...and fear.”

Martin sipped his drink and then sat the glass back down. “That’s understandable.”

“Vivien and I tried our best to make sure that Olivia didn’t get too out of control. She was always rebellious and at times, a little reckless. I’m not sure if she told you, but part of the reason we sent her to college was because Vivien found out that one of the actors on _General Hospital_ , a man in his 30s, was having sex with her and had been since she was 14. Then, you came along and she started lying and doing so many things that we’d never imagined she would do, until we told her that we would take Briar.”

Martin looked at Jack, “She told me about that.”

Jack nodded. “I meant it, Martin. Olivia is an adult, but she’s still my daughter. I don’t know what I would do if any more harm came to her. I’m glad that I was wrong about you. You love her and you love Briar. I understand that your job has impacted the time you spend with your daughter, but I’ve seen how much you care about them. I hope that never changes.”

Jack finished his drink, put the glass in the dishwasher, and wished Martin a good night before he walked out of the kitchen with the decanter. Not too long after, Martin finished his drink and went back to bed.

...

Martin spent the holidays in New York with Lily and Briar, but called his mother and sisters to wish them a happy holiday. Jack and Vivien gifted him a new guitar to add to his collection and Briar “gifted” him a new watch, Lily's gift was a photo of her and Briar that he could carry with him. It was his favorite of the gifts he’d received.

He gifted Jack silver cuff links and he gifted Vivien a diamond bracelet. He got Briar a toy guitar and a locket for Lily that had Briar’s picture in it. The rest of the day went well and Vivien made a delicious lunch for the family and a feast for dinner. That night, and every night for a week, he had the same nightmare he’d had when he first arrived in New York.

Lily started having nightmares because of what had happened and woke up drenched in sweat and shaking. Almost immediately, she returned to therapy and her parents discussed her going on tour with Martin once again. He liked the idea, but Lily was against it. Vivien and Jack promised Lily that they wouldn’t ambush her and Vivien admitted that she and Jack wanted to keep Briar with them for a time as they missed having a toddler around. It wasn’t something that Lily came around to right away, but she decided to go with Martin for a time.

...

Although the plan was for the tour to last for eighteen months, a meeting had to be called and the band was forced to come to London in the middle of January to see if it was still a good idea to continue with that plan or not.

Andy and Daniel vehemently thought that another tour through America was a bad idea. Sydney agreed with them because of everything that happened during the first leg, but she didn’t have an official say. Dave and Alan wanted to go. Martin was silently in the middle. Andy was dead-set against it. 

Sydney tried to get Daniel to promote her so she _could_ have a say, but he didn’t. He thought that she was doing well as the tour manager and praised her for looking after the band. She then confronted him about Alan, but Daniel wouldn’t discuss anything with her.

After the meeting, Martin returned home and went over the tour logistics with Lily. She’d been medically cleared to travel, so they went shopping for her. She got clothes that she could mix and match with and wear in warm weather. When she tried on swimsuits, she felt self-conscious about her scar and bought a sheer cover-up to wear over her swimsuit when she wasn’t swimming.

...

There were times when the tour felt like a slow crawl through hell and times when the tour felt like passing judgement and being allowed into heaven. Even with Lily and Angela in tow, the band went right back into their old habits and Sydney, still hurt about her delayed promotion, joined in on the fun.

In Cape Town, Alan ended up with kidney stones. Sydney was drunk but went with him to the hospital to get them taken out. Though she tried her best not to look, he begged her to stay with him in the room. So, she did, with a banana bag IV in her arm. He nearly broke her hand during the extraction of the stones during their tearful, drunken reconciliation.

It was hard, however, to pretend that she didn’t notice how Andy was deteriorating. He was holding on as long as he could, but being far away from home was even harder than everyone expected. His wife was also pregnant and the time change was wreaking havoc on him. He was awake earlier than everyone else and instead of going sightseeing, he would sit in the hotel lobby and wait for everyone else to wake up.

Dave had finally reached the end of his transformation. He was no longer the same goofy joker that he was. He was surly and rude. He had become the very definition of an arrogant rocker. Sydney refused to speak with her brother-in-law, which now meant that no one except for Alan was speaking to him.

Martin seemed much more content with Lily with him again. He didn’t stop drinking or getting high, but his attention was only for his fiancée and the groupies hated it. She was the center of his universe.

Lily couldn’t drink because of her medication, but she could take ecstasy and Sydney noticed that the actress took almost as much as Martin, though he kept an eye on whatever she ingested and kept her near him at all times. She was extremely polite and signed autographs, but she and Martin would spend a lot of their time talking amongst themselves before leaving the nightclub or the bar after a couple of hours.

Sydney’s own relationship with Angela was going very well and that was the only saving grace she had. Angela was a sweetheart, very calm, very understanding, and more than willing to indulge Sydney’s fantasies.

...

The band arrived in Johannesburg and Lily cried for three hours once she got to the hotel because she missed Briar. Most of the time, she wasn’t okay. She was happy to be with Martin and away from the watchful eyes of her parents when she spiraled out of control.

She and Martin made up the routine as they went along until it became fairly solid. After waking up, they would speak with Briar if it was possible and then wander around the city after eating until it was time for soundcheck. She watched the show from the sidelines and hung out with the band backstage after the show. Then, everyone would go out. 

Martin kept an eye on Lily if she wasn’t already sitting with him. He never got too intoxicated where he couldn’t keep an eye on her, especially if she was high. After a couple of hours out, they went back to their hotel room and had some of the most intense sex they’d ever had. Then, the routine would start all over again.

There were nights when she would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. Sometimes, she didn’t sleep at all because she dreamt about the incident. One night, she walked out of a nightclub and stood in the rain until Martin found her. Some days, she would sleep until it was time for soundcheck. He tried his best to keep her busy and distracted, and she loved him for it, but it was not easy.

Hardly anyone was speaking to Dave, so Martin found it interesting when Lily and Dave struck up a friendship in Sydney. After that, there were a couple of times when he found them at the pool with their feet in the water. Dave would be talking about some idea he had and Lily would listen and give her thoughts. 

They talked often and even had their own inside jokes. There would be lunches where the band ate together and Dave would offer Lily some of what he was eating so she could test it out. Lily would do the same with her food. Everyone was shocked but said nothing because that was the closest they got to seeing the old Dave. At the same time, Martin realized that it was helping Lily recover.

In Honolulu, Dave and Alan cornered Martin, telling him that it was time for Andy to go home because he had become unbearable. Martin said that he would talk with Andy, but he felt terrible. To his surprise, Andy was ready to go and said his goodbyes while Alan got Daryl ready to replace Andy. When Martin and Andy said their own private goodbyes, Andy said that he no longer wanted to work with Alan or Daryl.

Things continued on as planned, until everyone learned of Kurt Cobain’s death in Chile. 

Lily took the news really hard. Martin got extremely drunk and sat with Dave, confessing that he felt like God had taken away his gift of songwriting but that Dave was his voice. He then said some other things, but didn’t remember any of it when he woke up the next morning.

...

Daniel gave Sydney his birthday gift a few weeks late, but it was still a welcomed surprise. He promoted her early and told the band that when they started the North American leg, she would officially be their manager. 

They were in Costa Rica at the time and Dave decided that they were going to have a congratulatory dinner after the show. There was a cake with sparklers and bottles and bottles of champagne. Dave attempted a toast, but it came out a rambling mess. Somehow, he managed to remind everyone that she called him a greasy hippie, though. Then, they all broke out into singing “Happy Birthday.”

By the time they were done, Sydney was crying happy tears. At Dave, Alan, Lily, Martin and Daryl’s request, she made a wish and blew out the sparklers to a roaring applause. Although she told no one what her wish was, she already felt that it had come true.

After the party, she came back to her room and found her Angela on the bed, wrapped in a shiny red bow. In the two side chairs were two other women, also wrapped in shiny red bows. It was one of the best nights of her life.


	14. A Sweet Collaboration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour finally reaches a close. Lily returns to her career.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

The investigation surrounding the shooting concluded in Lily’s favor and while she ended up with a lot of money in a settlement, the movie was permanently shelved and there were no plans to release it. Once the investigation was over, Jack filed a lawsuit against the studio and Joel Schumacher.

The band was on a break from the tour before the North American leg began when the investigation ended. Lily didn’t have much of a response, other than firing Ginger, giving her father permission to file the lawsuit, and telling her parents that she was going with Martin once the tour began again. She and Martin spent a lot of time with Briar, and Lily was given another pixie cut.

They went back to their routine and one night, Martin finally told Lily that he had been holding on to a gold wedding band that had _Olivia Elizabeth Gore_ engraved on the inside. After a couple more conversations, they flew into Las Vegas a day early and got married with Sydney and Angela as their witnesses. Lily wore a white slip dress and Martin wore the same black outfit he wore when the band announced their concert at the Rose Bowl almost six years before.

In Dallas, Lily decided to go back to Briar. Martin didn’t want her to leave, but he knew how much she missed their daughter. He kissed her goodbye and promised that he would be good, but only guaranteed not to sleep with any other women. After she left, he felt so lonely and couldn’t wait for the tour to be over.

...

The days blurred into one another as the tour drew towards an official end. Some nights, Martin could fall asleep quickly and sleep like a baby. Other nights, Martin stared at the ceiling until the room stopped spinning and then fell asleep after an hour or three.

He forgot where the band was performing around Biloxi but his routine was foolproof. It was sleep, drink, soundcheck, drink, maybe some ecstasy, performance, party, repeat. He didn’t even have to pretend and no one called him on it, not even Sydney. He showed up to every performance drunk as he was too afraid to perform sober, did what he needed to do, and did whatever he wanted the rest of the time.

On the last night of the tour, he thought it would be funny to dress up like a woman and called himself Brandy. He convinced quite a few people but gave it up after a couple of hours because he wanted to drink. The next day, he woke up and was still in the dress with a raging hangover. 

His shower helped but the Bloody Mary helped more. On the flight, Dave was complaining that he was in pain and Martin remembered that his band mate had taken a deep dive into the crowd, but he’d been fine the night before. Martin was too tired to see if Dave was okay and assumed that Dave would feel better.

It was 5 pm when he got back to his apartment in London. Briar ran straight into his arms when she saw him. It was hard to believe that she was almost three. Her sitter, Sonia, told him that Briar learned how to count to ten. The toddler began to sing the alphabet, but got all the letters wrong. Martin didn’t care, though. She was so proud of herself and he was proud of her.

That night, he couldn’t sleep. Briar was sound asleep next to him, but he was wide awake. It got so bad, he got out of bed and went through his bags to find his sleeping pills. After taking a couple of them and washing them down with water, he waited until they kicked in and fell asleep peacefully.

When he woke up the next morning, he looked at the clock and had to remember that he wasn’t on tour. He turned over and once he saw that Briar was no longer in the bed, he got up and went downstairs. 

In the kitchen, Lily was making breakfast while Briar was sitting on the counter. She glanced at him and then said, “Good morning. Breakfast is almost ready.”

Martin grabbed some plates from the cabinet and kissed Briar on the head. “You weren’t here last night. Are you okay?”

“I thought you were coming home tonight,” she replied, “My days are off.”

“You’re okay, though. Right?”

She looked at him and nodded. “Yeah. I just had my days wrong. How was your flight?”

Martin moved on to getting the orange juice from the refrigerator. “Long. I’m glad to be home. How has therapy been?”

“It’s been good. He said that it’s good that I’m taking it one day at a time.”

He sighed and nodded. “Okay. Good.”

Lily nodded. “Yeah”

“It’s good,” Briar declared.

Martin sat the carafe down on the counter and picked Briar up, which made her squeal with laughter. When Lily was finished with breakfast, Martin gave their daughter over to her and divided the meal on each plate. Then, he poured juice in each glass and placed the food in the dining room.

...

Lily reunited with Jude to work on Jude’s first solo album. The album was rock tinged with jazz and other genres, and Jude made her best friend sing one of the songs. They also came up with ideas for the music videos and filmed a few of them. It was a rush. Then, Lily signed with William Morris Entertainment in the middle of August. The announcement appeared in “ _Variety_ ” magazine and it wasn’t long before she became the front runner for a number of roles. She accepted roles in a comedy, a horror film, and a thriller. The movies were almost filming back to back and even though Martin noticed it, he didn’t say anything.

Martin and Lily had a party to celebrate their wedding at the end of August. They had bought a new house in London and it was the first time that anyone had seen it. Everyone, except for Dave and Teresa, attended the reception. Briar wore a dress that looked just like Lily’s with ribbons in her hair that matched Martin’s suit. Jude attended and barely let Lily go. 

Dave showed up extremely late, but Lily shared a dance with him before she wished him a good night and sent him off.

Shortly after Briar’s third birthday, she traveled to Vancouver to film _Foolish Game_ , a drama where she was the object of her co-star Val Kilmer’s obsession. It was supposed to be a short film shoot, but she was looking forward to the time away and the ability to be someone else after not filming for so long. 

The film was one of her most risqué films. She did a full frontal nude scene and there were some sequences that pushed boundaries in regards to the rating. Lily felt like she was at her most unbridled and she didn’t even care if her surgical scar showed, but it was taxing on her and she ended up dropping out of the horror film.

The movie wrapped in late October and she flew back to London to be with Briar and Martin. Their life aside from filming movies and going on tour was very normal and very calm. Lily liked having Martin around every day, and Martin liked being present for his family. On Lily’s 24th birthday, she discovered that she was pregnant again. Instead of being terrified like she had been when she was pregnant with Briar, she was ecstatic this time around.


	15. The Shiniest Wheels...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The highs leave and the lows arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

The new year brought a clean slate and excitement for new opportunities. Dave went to rehab in November and once he got out, the news spread that Teresa had left him. Alan had gone AWOL, but he called Sydney to check in. She later found out that he had gotten divorced and was dating one of the members from Miranda Sex Garden. 

Andy recovered enough to return to his duties in the band, and Sydney’s appointment as manager was announced to the press. To celebrate the occasion, she and Angela, bought a townhouse on the Upper West Side of New York.

Filming for _Sibling Rivalry_ began in early March. The role didn’t have too many physical demands, so Lily was able to take it easy until filming wrapped in early June.

On Sydney’s 26th birthday, everyone gathered for her party. It was the first time everyone in the band saw one another since Andy’s last day in Honolulu. They all seemed happy to see each other and despite worries that Teresa would be there, she sent her sister a gift but didn’t attend. Although Lily had reached her second trimester, she and Martin still had not told anyone that she was pregnant.

When she saw Dave, Olivia hugged him tightly and asked him how he was doing. He said that he was doing okay, but he was visibly sad. 

Sydney told Martin that she had told Dave that he could stay with her and Angela in New York if he wanted, but he turned her down. Martin, under the impression that Dave was only dealing with Teresa leaving, asked Sydney if she thought it was a good idea and she replied, "Yeah. It's Dave. I mean...it's _Dave_. He would do the same for me. This is tough, really tough."

Martin hugged Sydney while Lily spent most of her time at the party trying to perk Dave up. She got him an extra slice of cake and showed him pictures of Briar. She also told him that she was pregnant again. Andy told Martin that he didn't think it was a good idea for her to coddle Dave, but Martin said that he would only step in if Dave did something to hurt Lily. 

Meanwhile, Dave confided in her and Lily did her best to comfort him. She actually got him to smile. He took her hand and thanked her for spending time with him. She extended her help if he ever needed it. They hugged and Dave whispered, “Mart’s got a good one.”

“I hope he thinks that,” she replied.

When the party was over, Sydney thanked everyone for coming and Lily asked, “Aren’t you going to open your presents?”

Sydney smiled wide and looked at Angela, who was standing with three beautiful women, before turning back to Lily. “I‘ll open those later. Tonight, I have a gift from Angela that’s gonna keep on coming.”

Lily laughed and hugged Sydney. Then, Martin led Lily to a cab that was waiting. On the way back to the hotel, Martin held Lily and said, “You and Dave spent the whole night talking.”

“He’s really sad. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

Martin kissed the top of her head. “He’ll reach out when he’s ready. How are you?”

“I’ve been nauseated all night. When I get back to the hotel, I’m going to order some toast, take a bath, and spend time with Briar.

“Are you okay otherwise?”

Everything he left unsaid hung in the air and Lily nodded. “I’m trying to be. I would be lying if I said that I’m not terrified and I know that the doctor said that the baby’s fine, but things can change.”

When they arrived at the hotel, they signed a few autographs and went to their room, where they paid their sitter who watched Briar. Martin gave their daughter a slice of cake that he’d brought from Sydney’s party and ordered a plate of toast from room service while Lily went to take her bath. When she came out of the bathroom, she sat next to Martin and brushed Briar’s hair while she ate her toast.

After Lily and Briar fell asleep, Martin wrote his first song in months. It was the first time in at least a year that he felt confident that things were going to be okay.

...

After almost five years, Martin and Lily went public at the premiere of _Foolish Game_ in May. It was the first event that she and Martin walked the red carpet together. He wasn’t enthused to watch another man touching his naked wife, even though he knew it was all an act and that she was entirely his, but he sat and dealt with it. A week later, they celebrated their first wedding anniversary.

That was the last good month Martin had for a long time.

Alan met with Martin and Andy in the beginning of June to tell them that he was leaving the group. While Andy was annoyed that Alan was choosing to leave, Martin had known it was coming for a while. He just hoped that Alan would’ve changed his mind. 

Despite that, Martin didn’t try to make Alan stay. He shook his hand and wished him luck. Then, he went home, confident that Depeche Mode was over.

Dave was nowhere to be found.

When Alan’s statement came out, Martin was livid. It was a very pointed statement. Andy wanted to put out one, but Martin refused because he didn’t feel like there was any point. He didn’t want to acknowledge how much it bugged him, so he ignored it. At the same time, he couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He sat with it. 

Meanwhile, Dave still hadn’t been found and Andy called Sydney to tell her the news. On the call, she said that she would get in touch with Alan. While Andy didn’t like that, Sydney reminded him that she was _their_ manager. She didn’t say that she felt like Alan had betrayed her yet again.

When she called Alan, he thought that she was going to ask him to come back. It sounded like he was prepared for that. It sounded like he wanted her to grovel and beg for him to come back. She refused to do that. 

Instead, she confronted him about calling a meeting, telling Martin and Andy that he was leaving and releasing a statement without consulting her, although he knew that she was now the manager. His only answer was that he thought Daniel had told her. She called him on this and said that he could have told her at her birthday party almost three months before.

After a few seconds of silence, she thanked him for his time in the band and said that she would release a statement on behalf of the remaining members. He was still talking when she hung up.

Sydney’s statement for the band was short and succinct. She brutally undercut his contributions to the band when she thanked Alan and the statement then steered towards the promise that the band would continue fine without him. Then, she finally located Dave and found that he was still having a hard time. She asked him — begged, really — to come to New York so he could get better. He refused.

In early July, Lily went into labor in Los Angeles while she and Briar were visiting her parents and Jude. After over 24 hours of no progress, the baby’s heart rate dropped and she was rushed into surgery to have an emergency c-section. Jack, Vivien and Jude stayed with Lily during the delivery.

Martin had been in London because he didn’t think she would go into labor. He tried to get to her as fast as he could when he learned that she was but didn’t get to the hospital until July 8th, the day after the baby was born. Jude told him that it was a baby girl and she looked just like him, except with Lily’s eyes.

The moment he first saw Lily, she’d been wheeled into the nursery and the nurse put their baby in her arms. He watched through the window as she held their daughter and looked at the infant with so much love and fascination.

Lily looked up and found him looking at her before smiling at him. Even though she looked tired, he thought that she had never been more beautiful. He mouthed that he loved her and she mouthed it back. At that moment, he knew that he was never going to love another woman as much as he loved her.

After Jude, Jack, and Vivien left the hospital, Martin spent an hour holding their new daughter skin to skin while Briar napped beside Lily. Lily had been able to do skin to skin after the delivery, so she thought that Martin would want to do it as well. She then told him that she’d held off on naming the baby until he got there, even though they’d agreed on a name months before. Martin kissed Lily on the forehead and continued to hold his newborn daughter. They named her Sophia Lee, but gave her the nickname Scout.

...

As high as Martin was, Dave was beyond rock bottom. 

Sydney got the call from a psych ward at Kaiser Permanente, telling her that Dave had been admitted after a suicide attempt. She would have asked Lily to get Dave, but Martin was with her and she wasn’t going to be discharged for a few days. So, she woke Angela up and told her that she had to go to Los Angeles. Angela volunteered to go with her, but Sydney declined and took a red-eye. 

Six hours later, she was sitting in Lily’s hospital room with Martin and Briar, who was tucked besides her mother while Scout was sound asleep. Lily was on the phone and speaking to her mother’s assistant. “Are you fucking kidding me? Charges related to what? That is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. This is why I hate this fucking city. Tell them that he has a lawyer and his lawyer is on the way. David is not to say anything until my father arrives and until he’s in my father’s custody. That’s it. That is _it_. There’s nothing else to say. Just fucking do it. Good boy. Bye.”

Sydney looked at Martin incredulously and Martin shook his head. Lily then snuggled with Briar and said, “The DA wants to charge Dave for trying to kill himself, which is bull —”

“—shit, Mommy,” Briar chimed in, “it’s bullshit.”

“That’s right, Briar. My father might be able to get those charges dropped,” Lily continued. “It just comes down to where Dave is going to go now.”

Martin took Briar to the cafeteria and once they were alone, Sydney began to cry. “It’s bad, Lily. Dave’s addicted to heroin and I don’t know how much Mart knows about it, but it’s not good. He won’t let anyone help him. Now, it’s this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Syd, you’re good at your job because you really care about them. Anyone who sees you with them can see that, but you can’t sacrifice yourself for them. Dave has to want to need help. When he finally asks for it, he’s got a lot of people who will be there for him, but you can’t put all of this on you.”

“Alan left. I keep thinking that if he was here, maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. Or that, you know, maybe he was right and I’m not capable of doing my job.”

Lily shook her head. “Alan was wrong about you and I really wish that he hadn’t left either, but you can’t think about that now. Dave needs you.”

Sydney smiled weakly and said, “I’m going to prepare myself to see Dave and hope that I don’t wring his scrawny fucking neck for scaring me like that. Thank you.”

“Anytime, Syd.”

Sydney left Lily’s room and took a deep breath. As much as she wanted to believe that Lily calling her father would help Dave, she knew that it wasn’t enough.

...

Martin and Andy decided to try something different with the new album. When Martin knew that he had another album in him, he called Sydney, Daniel, and Andy. Daniel got them linked with a production team and Martin got with Andy and Sydney to start working on the songs. Martin presented his demos and asked Sydney to sing background vocals. When she read through the lyrics for one of the songs, she smiled. 

Dave came in and they officially began to hold sessions, which were terrible. Even after assuring everyone that he was clean, he provided sufficient enough vocals for only one song. Everyone was frustrated with Dave, but Sydney was beyond disappointed and beyond frustrated. 

After a meeting, everyone agreed that it would be best for Dave to go back to Los Angeles and work with a vocal coach so they could finish the album as soon as possible. Dave was relieved and eager to get back to Los Angeles. Sydney should have known something was wrong, but she trusted that Dave would do his best.

It was the biggest mistake of their lives.


	16. Things Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin centers his struggle on Lily, while Dave puts her in a tough position.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Working on the album was more stressful than Martin let on and he started drinking again. He thought it would help and it didn’t, so he drank more and more to ease the numbing despair that he felt.

It took Lily longer to heal than she’d expected so instead of returning to work, she took care of Scout and Briar. When Martin drank, he became more inward and barely spoke to her. He knew that Lily wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t. He just wanted to drink and work on the album. She once hid all of the alcohol but instead of getting mad about it; he simply went out, bought more bottles and put them in his studio. 

That’s when he knew something had to change, and he was sure that it had to be Lily.

One night, Martin came into his and Lily’s bedroom after the girls had gone to bed and said, “Can we talk?”

Lily sat down at the edge of the bed and nodded, “What’s up?”

“Things aren’t well right now.”

“Okay?” 

“I think it would be easier for me if you took the kids and went to stay with your parents until the album was finished.”

He watched as she processed what he’d said and then she looked up at him. “The only way you think you’d be okay is if the kids and I were another continent away from you? Yeah. Okay.”

She stood up and resumed her nighttime routine while Martin tried his best to keep it together. “Lil, this is the only way I can see this working right now. If you don’t do this, we’ll end up fighting and we’ll break up.”

“Why can’t you do what a normal person does and go see a therapist instead of getting drunk every damn day? Why is that too hard for you,” she retorted. “Or is this an excuse for you to sleep with whoever you want? Maybe I’m not doing enough for you.”

“That’s not what this is for,” he replied.

She slammed her lotion container on the dresser and yelled, “I don’t believe you, Martin, because you are selfish. You are so fucking _self-centered_!”

Scout started crying and Briar stood in the doorway, half asleep and rubbing her eyes. “Mommy?”

Martin started towards Briar, but Lily pushed him away and took Briar’s hand, leading her back to her bedroom. He could hear Lily apologizing to their daughter for being mad and reading her a bedtime story. Martin assumed that she was holding Scout at the same time because the infant had also calmed down. 

Twenty minutes later, she came back into their bedroom and said, “The girls and I will be gone tomorrow.”

“Lil, I need this time.”

“Don’t,” she replied. “I don’t want to hear any more.”

After finishing her routine, she laid down in their bed and turned off the light. Martin laid down besides her and turned off his light as well. Instead of holding her while they slept, he turned his back to her and thought, for a fleeting moment, that he was finally going to be free.

...

Three months later, Martin alternated between working on the album, playing video games, and thinking about his impending death. He saw Lily and the girls once every two weeks when she flew to see him, but that wasn’t often enough and he knew it. There were days on end when creativity struck and he would be unreachable. There were also days when the depression won out and he could barely get out of bed.

It was during one such occurrence when Lily needed him the most. 

She was asleep when she heard the phone ringing. Half awake, she got up and went to answer it, thinking it was Martin. It wasn’t. It was Cedars-Sinai. They were calling because Dave had listed her as his emergency contact, power of attorney, and executor of his estate. They were bringing him in and the last news that’d come from the ambulance was that he couldn’t be resuscitated.

Lily went on auto-pilot and said that she would be there as soon as possible. She then called her mother and asked her to come and watch Scout and Briar. When she called Martin at the house, he didn’t answer. 

She called the number over and over, bursting into tears because she was terrified and he wouldn’t answer. Then, she called Andy and got Grainne. Through her tears, she managed to tell Grainne that Andy needed to find Martin and they had to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible. The last call she made, right as her mother was coming in, was to Sydney. By then, she was too much of a mess.

When Lily arrived at the hospital, Dave had been resuscitated, but the doctors asked her questions that she didn’t have the answers to. There were also police there and they wanted to question Dave, but she wouldn’t let them. The officer in charge approached her and said, “Lily Woodward, I’m a big fan. Are you Mr. Gahan’s wife?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Look. You seem to be a nice young lady, not involved in anything illegal, but Mr. Gahan had an overdose. He was in possession of a lot of drugs. It’s fortunate that he’s alive, but he’s in a lot of trouble. We’re going to have to arrest him.”

She shook her head again. “No. I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to come near him right now.”

“Miss, you can get into a lot of trouble if you continue to get in our way.”

“Officer, I may not know a lot of things. I may not be a police officer or a doctor, but I know my rights and I know Dave’s rights. He declared me his legal proxy, so I am _being_ his proxy and you’re not going to arrest him while he is still unconscious. He was dead prior to being brought in. If you take him to jail before he’s able to get proper medical care and he dies again, I will _personally_ hold you responsible,” she replied.

The police officer glared at her, but walked away and spoke with his colleagues. When she saw them leave, she released the breath that she was holding in and hoped that Sydney, Andy, or Martin was coming soon.

...

Martin woke up and heard someone pounding on his door. When he saw Andy, he opened it up and said, “What’s going on? Why are you pounding on my door like a madman?”

“Haven’t you heard?” Andy inquired. “It’s David.”

Martin frowned and Andy turned on the radio, where the DJs were talking about Dave being hospitalized again. Martin sighed and pushed his hair out of his face. “Does Sydney know?”

Andy turned the radio off and replied, “I’m not sure but I’m here because of Lily.”

Martin’s heart fell into his stomach and he froze. “What happened to Lily?”

“She called the house a few hours ago, really upset. She was looking for you and Grainne said that you didn’t pick up when she called. I think that the hospital called her about David. Something about being the executor of his estate.”

“What?!”

“We have to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible. I think Lily called Sydney. We’ll figure out what to do when we get there.”

Martin nodded and pinched the bridge of his nose. His mind was racing and he felt so many things at once. The one thing he could concentrate on was getting to his family.

...

Meanwhile, Lily was sitting next to Dave’s room when Teresa and one of the band’s former roadies, Pete, tried to visit. The nurse pointed them to Olivia and Pete said, “Hey, Lily. The nurse said you’re the one who decides if anyone visits Dave?”

She nodded. “Yeah. He’s still asleep, so you should go.”

Teresa scoffed and glared at Lily, who glared back at her. Pete swiped at his nose and chuckled. “Lilypad, does Mart know that you’re playing Room Monitor for Dave?”

Teresa frowned and then realization dawned on her. “Oh yeah. You’re that actress bitch. I remember you from Barcelona, the girl who Mart couldn’t keep his hands off of. My my. You’re an _ambitious_ little whore, aren’t you? Started with opening your legs for Martin and then you moved on to David?”

Lily got out of her chair and faced off with Dave’s wife. “Dave listed me to deal with his personal affairs because unlike _you_ , I’m not in the business of abandoning people. He is my friend. Martin is my husband and the father of my children. Call me a whore again and they’re gonna need a slab for you in the fucking morgue. Do _not_ play with me, Teresa.”

“Come on, Lily. Teresa didn’t mean it. Let us see Dave,” Pete pleaded.

“Pete, if you and Teresa want to see Dave, then you two can deal with the doctors, the police, Martin, Andy, and Sydney. Deal with all of it or leave me the fuck alone!” Lily snapped.

Reluctantly, Pete took Teresa’s arm and pulled her away. Once they were gone, Lily looked at her watch and sighed, wondering why no one had come yet.

...

After a total of almost nineteen hours waiting, Lily had run out of time. The police returned with an arrest warrant for Dave. If she tried to stop them this time, she would be arrested and that was something she couldn’t afford to do.

The police sergeant approached her and whispered, “Ms. Woodward, please step aside.”

“Can I talk to him first? Please? I need a moment to let him know the situation.”

He sighed. “Go ahead.”

She went into Dave’s room and he looked at her. “Lilypad, what are you doing here?”

“The hospital called me. Apparently, that document you had me sign in March had nothing to do with the band and everything to do with putting me in charge of your affairs.”

He groaned. “Oh shit. Mart’s going to kill me.”

She chuckled. “Well, you tried to beat him to it. They said you overdosed. The paramedics couldn’t resuscitate you at first.”

“But I’m here now.”

Lily nodded and tearfully sighed. “I’m sorry, Dave. I tried for as long as I could. I tried to keep everyone away until someone else came, but the police...they have an arrest warrant and I’m out of time. I’ll call my father. I’m so sorry. I tried...”

Dave smiled and nodded. “It’s okay, Lily. Mart really does have a good one.”

The police came in and started to read Dave his rights while they wheeled his bed out of the room. Lily began to protest, but they ignored her. When she was alone, a nurse came into the room and told her that Sydney had just called. Martin and Andy had just landed at LAX.

...

Martin, Andy, and Sydney walked into the apartment that Lily had rented, and Briar ran to Martin. He scooped her up and kissed her on both cheeks. Vivien came into the foyer with Scout and said, “Hello, Martin.”

He smiled and replied, “Hi, Vivien. This is Andy, my friend, and our manager, Sydney. Has Lil come back yet?”

“No. She’s not with you?”

Martin sighed. “No. I thought that she was here.”

Scout cooed and Vivien rocked her. “Olivia's probably still at the hospital. That’s where she’s been for almost 24 hours now. She called to let me know that she was okay about three hours ago, but she _clearly_ wasn’t okay.”

"Who's Olivia?" Sydney whispered.

"Lily's full name is Olivia Elizabeth," Martin replied.

"I had no clue," she whispered. Then, she stepped forward and said at a normal volume, “Ms. Kelly, is it okay if we wait here for Lily?”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense if you went to the hospital?”

“Gammy,” Briar replied. “I want Dadda here.”

“He’ll come back, honey. I would feel better if he went to get your Mommy.”

A few minutes later, the door opened and Lily walked in. She closed the door and sat her keys on the side table while Andy said, “Lily, are you okay?”

She pushed her hair out of her face, forlorn, and replied, “The police took him away. Teresa came by with Pete. They wanted to see Dave, but I wouldn’t let them.”

Sydney lowered her head and sighed wearily. “Okay. We’ll be there at the courthouse tomorrow. Lily, I am so sorry we didn’t come sooner. We tried to get here as fast as we could.”

Lily nodded, but they could tell that she really wasn’t hearing them. Andy and Sydney decided to leave and get rooms at a nearby hotel. Vivien put Scout to bed and checked on Lily before leaving. Briar gave her grandmother a kiss and went to her room to play. 

Once Martin and Lily were alone, she sat down on the couch and blinked emptily into space. Martin sat beside her and she whispered, “I tried calling and you didn’t answer. I was so scared.”

“I’m sorry, Lil. I’m so sorry.”

“Where were you?”

“I was — I’m sorry.”

He tried to hold her, but she shrugged him off and headed to Briar’s room, wiping her eyes. Frustrated, he sat down on the couch and took a deep breath.


	17. I'm Not Here Looking for Absolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Martin clash. Sydney learns more about Lily and Martin's relationship. Then, her anger boils over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

When Lily woke up, she was in the bedroom and it was dark. She looked at her clock and once she realized that she’d missed feeding Scout, she got out of bed and went to the bassinet, which was empty. Then, she saw the light on in the living room and walked in to find Martin asleep on the couch with Scout asleep on his chest, one of the spare bottles of breast milk empty on the coffee table. 

If it had been Briar, Lily would have left them alone, but she didn’t want Scout to fall. So, she carefully picked the infant up and put her in the bassinet. Scout didn’t stir. 

Lily then checked on Briar and made sure that she had Marvin with her before returning to the living room with a spare blanket and putting it on Martin. He was sound asleep, but she felt better now that he was there. She assumed that they would have to talk, especially because there was a lot to talk about, but she was okay with that. As long as he was there, she was okay with that.

Four hours later, Lily got out of bed again after not being able to sleep, and started to get ready. Martin walked into the bathroom and said, groggily, “Lil, what are you doing?”

She glanced at him in the mirror and replied, “The arraignment. It’s in an hour and I need to be there.”

“No. I talked to Sydney and Andy about it while you were asleep last night. You’re not going.” 

Confused, she turned to look at him. “I don’t get it. He needs me. Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” Martin replied. “David put you in a really bad spot, and the three of us: Andy, Sydney and I, made it worse by not getting here sooner. So, I’m going to be here with you and the girls. Syd and Andy will go to the arraignment.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” Lily said. “ _Now_ , you want to make decisions for me.”

“Lily, you could have gone to jail or worse.”

“Why do you even care, Martin?”

“Please, Lil.”

Lily shook her head and looked at him pensively. “I should really be at the arraignment.”

Martin leaned against the sink. “What’s going on between you and Dave?”

She frowned. “Nothing. He stopped by in March and asked me to sign some documents for the band. He lied and said that you needed me to sign them and wouldn’t let me read them. It turns out that he’d made me his power of attorney, emergency contact, and the executor of his estate.”

He sighed. “He must’ve gotten the idea after New York. Sydney was frustrated with him and we sent him home. You’re the only one who’s been patient with him. He told all of us that he was clean. Clearly he lied. Once we get him taken care of, I’ll have to tell him that he has no more access to you. He can’t use you to enable his bad habits.”

Lily looked down at the floor and walked back into the bedroom. Martin followed behind her and said, “Did you have something you wanted to say?”

“You’re acting as if I did something wrong.”

“Lily, I’m not blaming you for any of this.” 

“I don’t care if you are. I just think that...I don’t know. It’s just been a long 48 hours, and Dave is my friend.”

He sat down next to her and held her against him. “I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone, but you’re not going to the arraignment.”

“It’s nice to see that you’ve finally decided to care, Martin,” she replied.

...

Sydney stared at the clock and instead of pretending to sleep, she whispered, “I don’t know if I can do this, Angie.”

Angela turned to look at her wife and frowned. “What do you mean, hon?”

“What if Dave can’t get out of this one? What if he goes to jail and that’s the end of the band?”

“Syd, you’re thinking of the worst case scenario.”

“I’m being practical. Alan was right. I haven’t been doing my job. He knew what would happen and that’s why he went to Daniel. He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I can’t. I can’t do it.”

She sat up and started hyperventilating. Angela sat up as well and held Sydney until she calmed down and could breathe properly again. “Sydney, you’re a genius. You are a prodigy and have dealt with things that people twice your age will never deal with. I would tell you to quit. Honestly, I’ve been wanting you to quit for some time now, but you love the guys. You love them too much.”

“I can’t just abandon them,” Sydney replied against Angela’s shoulder.

“Then, we will get through this together and we will take this one day at a time. Okay?”

Sydney nodded and then turned to look at the clock again. “I have to get ready. Andy’s going to meet me at the courthouse.”

She got out of bed and kissed Angela on the forehead. “Thank you.”

“I should come with you.”

Syd shook her head. “No. I’ll be fine. Now if you happen to be completely covered in whipped cream when I get back, I won’t complain.”

Angela laughed. “I’ll even get the strap.”

“Now I have something to look forward to.”

Sydney walked into the bathroom and got ready, terrified about what would happen to Dave but excited about what Angela had planned.

...

Sydney thought that the courthouse was busy for it to be a Wednesday, but she’d never been in a courthouse before. 

She and Andy went through the metal detectors and got scanned like they were in an airport. Then, they found their way up to the floor where Dave was supposed to have his arraignment. In the elevator, she looked up at Andy and said, “Um, do you know if Dave’s coming alone or...”

“I think he’s coming with Lily’s father.”

Sydney nodded. “I’ve never told her how grateful I am that her father is THE Jack Woodward.”

When they got off the elevator, they decided to sit down outside the courtroom and Andy said, “The important thing is to make sure David doesn’t end up having to stay in jail.”

“Do you think that’ll happen?”

“Not sure. This isn’t something I’m familiar with.”

Sydney shrugged, “Me neither. I mean, I always thought it would be _Martin_ who would end up in this position, not Dave.”

“David’s been out of control for a while. He’s better at hiding it than Martin is,” Andy reassured her.

“While we’re being all ‘True Confessions,’ I still don’t know if I get Mart and Lily. I mean, I really like her, but I feel like she’d be better suited for someone like... _me_ or Dave. Martin’s just...their whole relationship is strange. Please don’t tell him I told you that.”

“Martin loves Lily because he thinks she tolerates him better than anyone else,” Andy replied. “Obviously, there was the sexual component of it, but there’s a lot more to it. Lily’s very accepting of Martin, especially given how unrestrained she could be. He’s able to communicate with her in a way that he can’t communicate with anyone else, and he consciously makes an effort not to hurt her. She’s very trusting of him, trusting enough to have Briar and now Kenzie.”

“Mart told you that? Did he tell you if she knew about all of the women he slept with while on tour.”

Andy shrugged and adjusted his glasses. “He didn’t but during most of that time, they were tottering between being in a relationship and not. He also was not sleeping with as many women as we all thought he was. There were a couple of instances where he stopped because his mind was too preoccupied.”

Sydney nodded and when she noticed Teresa getting off the elevator, “Pimpf” started playing in her head. It was low at first but as she stood up and started walking towards her sister, it got louder. The song played in a continuous loop even as she stood in front of Teresa, who gave her a confused look and asked a question that Sydney didn’t hear. All of a sudden, she reared her arm back and punched Teresa in the nose. 

“Oh my god. What is wrong with you?” Teresa exclaimed as she held her nose.

Andy stood between the two women and Sydney replied, “You have some nerve showing up here.”

“Dave is my husband, Sydney.”

“Oh. _Now_ , he’s your husband. Where were you when he died?”

She advanced towards Teresa and a security guard held her back while he said, “If there is one more punch, both of you ladies are going to jail.”

Sydney looked at the guard and her eyes narrowed as she tried to advance again. “It would be well worth it.”

“Fuck you, you vicious asshole,” Teresa replied. “You broke my fucking nose.”

“You’re lucky that’s all I broke,” Sydney yelled as Teresa walked away. 

Both the security guard and Andy looked at Sydney and headed in opposite directions, Andy headed into the courtroom where Dave was and the security guard went into the courtroom where he was needed. 

Sydney had put all of her weight into the punch and it hurt her hand. She shook off the pain, knowing she’d probably need some ice later, and followed Andy into the courtroom to show Dave some support.


	18. ...Drawing Circles on the Floor...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin starts to question if the band should continue. A fight breaks out over how to help Dave. Sydney has her finest moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Lily was reading to Briar when Martin walked past the room, came back and said, “I was thinking that, maybe, the band should end. If we end it now, then Dave won’t have the pressure on him and he won’t have the access to get drugs. I could also spend more time with you and the girls. It wouldn’t be this constant back and forth. I wouldn’t have to go on tour and miss months out of their lives. It’s been sixteen years. That’s a good go.”

Lily looked up at him and replied, “Is that what you want? Do you want to just end it all now?”

Martin sighed. “I’m tired, just really tired.”

“I know, but it’s not just about you. There’s Andy. There’s Dave. There’s Sydney, and there’s _you_. You’re tired now, but you’ll always wonder what you’d be missing if you end it now.”

“Lil...”

“Today is our wedding anniversary, Martin.”

He sighed and stood in the hallway, looking at Lily. Their momentary peace and quiet was then shattered by the ring of the telephone. Before Martin could get to the phone and knock it off the hook; Lily got up, went into the living room, and answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Sydney. I’m at the courthouse with Andy and Jonathan. The arraignment just ended. Can we come over?”

“You want to come over with Andy and Jonathan?” Lily inquired. Martin shook his head vehemently.

“We would go back to my hotel, but your apartment is closer to the courthouse. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t be asking this if I had another option.”

Lily replied, “Yes. You can come over. I’ll make sure Briar’s distracted so Martin and I can get the update of what’s going on.”

Sydney sighed with relief. “Thanks, Lily. We’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”

“Okay.” 

When she hung up the phone, she walked past Martin, “The arraignment just ended and Syd asked to come over with Andy and Jonathan. I’m going to check on the girls. We’ll talk later.”

She went back to Briar’s room and Martin took a moment to think about how he simply wanted time with his family. With a groan, he grabbed the phone and disconnected it from the wall.

...

“I know that I haven’t been a publicist for a couple of years now, but I don’t understand why the fuck you would let Dave make that stupid ass, rambling statement, Jonathan,” Sydney said as she sat, leaning forward on the couch in the apartment.

“He wanted to talk, Sydney. I tried to stop him, but he had something to say,” Jonathan protested weakly. 

“You thought he had ‘something to say’ and then you let him take off, like he didn’t just die almost 48 hours ago.”

“Do you have a problem with me you’d like to discuss, Sydney?” Jonathan inquired.

“I’m addressing my problem with you right now, Jonathan.”

“Hey,” Lily interjected, “This fighting isn’t helping anyone, and it’s definitely not helping Dave. So, where is he?”

“That’s a good question,” Andy replied, “We don’t know where David is.”

“We don’t know because Jonathan swooped in and tried to act like Captain Save a Junkie but let him go,” Sydney spat. 

“And you punching your sister was helpful?” Jonathan countered.

Martin looked at Sydney, stunned, while Lily muttered, “She deserved it.”

Finally, Martin chimed in, “We’d given Dave so many chances, and he’s taken off again. Clearly, he doesn’t want to be helped.”

Lily shook her head and looked at Martin. “He may not want to be helped, but we should still help him. That’s what you do for the people you love. You don’t abandon them. You don’t send them away.”

Sydney scoffed and replied, “Well, what Jonathan does is _enable_ the people he loves.”

“Maybe you should start looking in the mirror if you want someone to blame, Sydney,” Jonathan argued, “You are relentless and you always have been. You’ve never acted like a publicist or a manager. You’ve acted like a dictator.”

“Fuck you, Jonathan,” Sydney snapped, “You don’t get to be the moral authority here. You don’t think I didn’t see you in those pictures with Dave and my sister? You don’t think I didn’t see you enabling Dave and Martin while we were on tour? Remember the bag of condoms that you dropped by Mart’s room the night he had the threesome? I sure as hell do. I mean, what else were you doing when you weren’t thinking about fucking up Martin and Lily’s relationship before I had your ass shipped back here?”

Lily glared at Jonathan and he looked at Sydney sheepishly, “Dave is my best friend. Instead of attacking me, you should be trying to help him.”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M TRYING TO DO?! WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL OF THIS IS FOR?!” Sydney bellowed.

Everyone fell silent and Briar poked her head into the living room, shushing the adults. Sydney got up from her seat and walked out to the balcony while Martin went to check on his daughters. Lily looked at Andy and Jonathan, and then went onto the balcony. 

When she closed the door, Lily asked, “Are you okay?”

Sydney shook her head. “No. I’m not. Instead of being with my naked girlfriend, I’m here fighting with that asshole and terrified that Dave’s going to die for good this time.”

“You’re doing your best.”

She turned to look at Lily and replied, “When is my best going to be the band releasing a new, critically acclaimed album instead of me constantly being on Dave Watch?”

Lily shook her head. “I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.” 

“Do you want to be the new lead singer? I mean, no one would expect _that_ ,” Sydney quipped.

“While the offer is tempting, I’d feel better if we found Dave. Let’s go back inside, Syd. I doubt that Andy and Jonathan have much to say to one another, and I don’t want Martin to kill Jonathan.”

The two women walked back inside and Sydney told Jonathan to find Dave, as well as that they were going to have an intervention and get Dave into rehab. Andy took the opportunity to get some ice for Sydney’s hand.

...

No one could find Dave for two days. Andy and Martin went back to London, and Martin took Briar with him. When the intervention did happen, it ultimately came down to Dave and Sydney. Martin didn’t want Lily involved and Sydney refused to let Jonathan have more involvement. 

After the four hour intervention, 90 minutes of it simply being Sydney talking with Dave, she drove him to the Exodus Recovery Center and tearfully checked him in. Before she left, he hugged her tightly and kissed her on the cheek before he whispered, “I love you, Syd. I love you, little sister.”

She held on tighter and longer, something she felt so happy she had the ability to do and promised herself she’d do more of. When she finally let go, she said, “Be good, Wavy Davy. I’ll kick your ass if you don’t.”

The drive back to the hotel was bittersweet. Syd cried the entire time and Angela welcomed her back with open arms. The next night, Angela invited four more women to the hotel room as a distraction for Sydney before they returned to their home in New York. 

Lily flew back to London with Scout. Martin and Briar were at the airport to welcome them back. Martin returned to work with the production team on the new album, but he also made a more concerted effort to spend time with his family. Scout's first birthday was a calm event that only Martin, Lily and Briar celebrated.

On his 30th birthday, Martin had a birthday party where he and some of his friends dressed up as a glam rock band known as The Sexist Boys. The party lasted so long, Lily fell asleep on the couch and Martin passed out on the floor next to her.

...

Teresa served Dave with divorce papers and when he successfully completed rehab, the judge and Jack were pleased. Dave was allowed to move into a sober living facility and he stayed there for a while before moving in with Sydney and Angela in New York. One of the conditions of Dave’s freedom was that he had to be tested regularly, but he didn’t seem to be put off too much by it. 

After a few back and forth calls, Dave and Sydney traveled to London to finish the album. Dave was really adamant on working on it and the atmosphere was the opposite of how it had been in New York. Sydney did background vocals for a couple of songs, Lily did background vocals and guitar for one song, and Dave was able to complete his vocals in about a week. 

Martin took the songs that he’d written for himself and finally put vocals on them, although he almost didn’t record them at all. They felt too intimate and personal, but he recorded them and put them on the album. Before he knew it, the time had come to mix the album he had once thought that he would have to complete himself. 

Briar started kindergarten shortly after her fifth birthday. Sydney and Angela had conversations about starting a family. Dave started spending more time with Jack and continued to make a concerted effort to stay sober. Things were finally calm while the band prepared for the release for their new album. 

Because Martin, Andy, Dave, and Sydney had gone through a lot, discussions had to be made regarding touring and press junkets. Sydney was no longer the publicist and though she was still able to use her public relations background to aid the band, her true test would be dependent on the success of the new album. 

...

Sydney thought that she was nervous when she, Andy, Martin, and Dave waited for the production company to finally announce that the album was complete, but nothing compared to how nervous she was when she approached the podium in the press room with Dave, Andy, and Martin standing behind her. 

This was a moment she had dreamt about for years but now that it had come, after so much that had happened, she was terrified. When she took the microphone, the reporters fell silent and she said, “Thank you so much for being here today. I first started out with Depeche Mode as a junior publicist eight years ago. During my time with the band, we’ve become a family and the last two and a half years have been...tumultuous, to say the least. All of us have gone through a lot, together and apart. There were a lot of moments where I wondered if we would survive it, but we did.”

“Last year, one of our members left and it took a lot out of us, more than I was willing to admit. I said then that we would come back stronger than ever, but there has been so much that...I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to go through the entire story and I won’t tell the story right now because it will take a couple of years. It feels nice to be here today to give everyone some good news for a change. It feels nice to be able to say that we’ve completed something amazing. It feels nice to say that I’m happy to announce that Depeche Mode has completed their next album, and it is called **Ultra**...”


	19. If We Survive This...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin and Lily come to a compromise for the family. The band goes on their first tour in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

The band met with Sydney and everyone agreed that it would be better if they didn’t go on tour for the new album because no one was mentally strong enough to handle it. So, they did a few promotional performances and went through a press tour. They had listening events, but that was it. 

Martin hated the press tour. Lily was off filming a movie and she had the girls. The interviewers wanted to talk about Alan and Dave treated each interview like it was a therapy session or Narcotics Anonymous. Every once in a while, an interviewer would bring up Lily, though they could never confirm her connection to Martin or Dave except for the one film premiere.

Sydney once caught Martin glaring at Dave during an interview and had to beg him to remain civil. He said he would, but he just wanted the press tour to be over.

...

Lily’s first project after having Scout was a film called _Eve_ , where she played a woman slowly unraveling after a great loss that triggered memories of a past trauma. The role called for Lily to dig deep into a place she’d never gone and at the end of every day, she was grateful that Briar and Scout were able to take her out of that place and bring her back to reality. 

When filming wrapped, she signed on to do a romantic drama. It didn’t require her to do as much as _Eve_ did, and she thoroughly enjoyed herself. She also loved that she was able to stay in England. At the end of filming, however, she experienced a miscarriage on set. She kept it to herself until over a month later, when Martin was done with the promo for the album.

...

Lily suffered another miscarriage the first week of 1998 and threw herself into being a mother to Briar and Scout as well as into her work. She signed on to play Queen Elizabeth I in a historical epic. Around the same time, the band started talking about going on tour again. 

Martin, Andy, and Dave were preparing another Greatest Hits album and they recorded a new single. They had a meeting with Sydney and agreed that it was time to go back on tour, but rules needed to be established. 

It was agreed that the tour would only span four months and there would be no hard drugs and alcohol other than wine or beer backstage during the tour. Martin decided to drink twice a week and groupies were banned from coming backstage. A lot of them had moved on to other bands, anyway, so banning them was fine.

After the meeting, Martin returned home and went over the logistics with Lily, so they could talk about the shows she would be able to attend if she wanted. She wasn’t going to be filming and even though he wanted her to go on tour with him, he knew that it wasn’t possible now that Briar was in school. 

Preparing for the tour was a lot more difficult than Martin imagined after a few years away, but he tried his best to get his momentum going without drinking. Dave’s discipline was like iron, but he also had a sober friend with him. Andy didn’t have a problem drinking while Martin couldn’t stop at just one drink.

...

 _Eve_ gave Lily a slew of awards, including her second Oscar. Her mother had four, so Lily felt very proud to have at least one. Nevertheless, Vivien still told the world how proud she was of Lily. They even did a joint interview together. Then, it was time for Lily to go on location for the movie.

She and Martin arranged their schedules so he took care of the girls, even though Lily wanted them with her. Because Briar was in school, it wasn’t possible. Martin visited with the girls on the weekends and Briar would tell Lily about what she was doing in school. Scout was learning a lot very quickly.

It made Lily happy to see her children growing and she felt like she was able to give her all in her work when the weekend was over. Once the film wrapped, Martin welcomed her home in his own private way.

...

The summer was wonderful. For the first time in what felt like a long time, both Martin and Lily were mostly free of work responsibilities. So, they spent many days playing with the girls and enjoying one another’s company. They went to the park and had dinners with Andy and his family. Once the girls were asleep, they made love for hours.

Lily and the family took a trip to Los Angeles so her parents could watch Briar and Scout. With no other plans, Martin and Lily rented a small house near the beach in Santa Barbara. On their first night there, they shared a bubble bath.

She had begun to doze off to sleep when Martin kissed her shoulder and said, “I don’t deserve you.”

Her eyes fluttered open and she frowned. “What? Martin, don’t say that.”

“But, I think it’s true. There’s been a number of times when you could’ve just walked away and we’d just co-parent Briar, but you’re here. Still.”

“I love you, Martin. That’s it, really. I love you, but that doesn’t give you permission to take advantage of my love. I mean, I’d rather you tell me that you want out instead of you sleeping around on me.”

The bathroom went silent and after a couple of minutes, Lily wondered why Martin hadn’t said anything and frowned again. “Martin, are you sleeping around on me?”

“No,” he replied. “After the huge fight we had, the one in New York, I haven’t had sex with anyone else. I saw how much that hurt you.”

“What about when you sent me and the girls away? Did you sleep with someone else?”

“No. I spent those three months working, drinking, and trying to reconcile with the possibility of…just...I don’t know. There were many days when I felt hopeless and that everything was pointless. I even thought that I wouldn’t make it.”

Lily turned to look at her husband and then kissed him. After parting from the kiss, she sighed. “I love you. I know that sometimes, that isn’t enough, but I love you and I don’t think I’d survive if you were to...if you ever...I wouldn’t be able to survive losing you. Okay?”

“Lil, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise me.”

“Lily...”

“Promise me!”

He sighed. “Okay. I promise. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

She nodded and relaxed in his arms again, but her mind was spinning with worry. She knew that if he was unfaithful again, she could just walk away and split custody of the girls with him. He would still be there and she would still get to see him. That wouldn’t be the case if he died. If he died, it would destroy her.

They made the most of their time in Santa Barbara, exploring the city, going on dates and relaxing on the beach. Martin had brought his camera and camcorder, so they took a lot of photos of one another and he recorded Lily. When they stayed in, they ate dinner on the floor near the fireplace. Every night, they made love and a couple of videos were made. Martin fell in love with the city and felt like it would be a good place to raise the girls. Meanwhile, Lily fell even more in love with him.

...

Upon the family’s return to London, they celebrated Scout’s third birthday and Martin’s 32nd birthday. Shortly after, he reunited with the band to prepare for their upcoming tour. He and Lily decided that it was best that she and the kids stayed in London while he was on tour. That was the beginning of their agreement where only one of them worked at a time. 

Martin was surprised by how he could perform sober after years of performing drunk. Andy encouraged him and Martin found himself becoming closer to Dave as they both worked on their sobriety. Sydney was also full of encouragement and motivation, which was very helpful. At the same time, she also held everyone accountable.

Lily took the kids to Cologne for one of the shows. It happened to be the show that MTV wanted to film, but she watched from the sidelines like she always did. It was the first show that Briar could watch where she was old enough to understand what was going on now that she was seven. With her headphones to dampen most of the loudness, Briar’s eyes wouldn’t leave the stage or Martin. 

During his performance of “Home,” Martin became visibly emotional and tried his best not to cry. When his voice broke during the bridge, Andy almost left his perch to comfort him. Briar became worried and when Lily had the first chance to go on stage; she made sure that Briar was holding Scout’s hand and she went out to him, throwing her arms around him. She held him for as long as she could and whispered in his ear that she loved him.

The entire concert was the only thing Briar wanted to talk about for almost a week. She told everyone at school that her daddy was a singer and she was going to be a singer just like him. Although she was already having guitar lessons, she paid more attention. Martin promised her that he would let her play with him when she got a little older. Lily didn’t know if she believed him, but it gave Briar some hope and even Scout became more interested in her toy guitar.

...

For Lily's 28th birthday, her parents offered to watch Briar and Scout, and Madonna threw her a lavish party at her home.

The house was lined with the photos of what Lily considered her greatest hits. There were shots of her from the “ _Sex”_ book, from her various music videos, and various movies. Sydney, Jude, Angela, Andy, and Dave were among the guests, as well as Dave’s new girlfriend, Jennifer. 

Martin had one glass of champagne and when the glass was empty, he stuck to water. Lily was surprised, but he told her about how he was restricting his alcohol intake.

About an hour into the party, Jason arrived. She smiled when she saw him and gave him a hug. He kissed her on the cheek and said, “Look at you. You still look like you did the night we met.”

Lily laughed. “No, I don’t, but thank you for telling me that lie.” 

“You’re married."

“I am. Almost four years now. You remember Martin, right?”

Jason nodded. “I do. I’m happy that you’re happy, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I still think about you from time to time.”

Lily blinked slowly and replied, “You do?”

“Yes. I regret that you and I never had the chance to get closer.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

He gave her one last kiss on the cheek and walked away. Lily walked over to Martin and he wrapped his arms around her waist as he said, “He looks familiar.”

“That was Jason. He and I dated for a short while after you and I broke up. You remember him from Texas, right? When I was pregnant with Briar?”

“Oh yeah. Him.”

“You have nothing to worry about,” she replied, “I’m all yours. You’re the love of my life.”

“You’re the love of _my_ life, Lil.”

She kissed Martin and stayed by his side for the rest of the night. The next day, she celebrated her birthday with her parents and the girls. Scout gave Lily her guitar, which Lily returned. Briar gave her a homemade card. Although Briar had drawn everyone in the picture, she had drawn herself and Martin with guitars.


	20. See the Stars, They're Shining Bright...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone in the band experiences huge life changes. Lily discovers a life-altering secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

After the tour, the band and Sydney went back to their normal lives and in the time between albums, everyone experienced a lot of change.

...

Dave married Jennifer shortly after the tour. The wedding was a beautiful Greek Orthodox ceremony that everyone attended. At the reception, Lily spent most of her time with Jennifer. Then, she told Dave that she was proud of him. Of course, what made her the happiest was that he had finally removed her as the person to manage his affairs about three months before the wedding. 

Towards the end of the night, Dave and Sydney shared a dance and talked. No one knew what they talked about as it was just the two of them on the dance floor but by then, Sydney had fallen out with her family over Teresa and Sydney’s relationship with Angela. So, she and Dave became one another's family. 

A little over three months later, Dave became a father again to a baby girl. He and Jennifer named her Stella Rose Sydney Gahan.

...

Sydney and Angela moved to Paris in December of 1999. Martin and Lily moved to Santa Barbara with the girls in mid-January of 2000 after Jack had a heart attack. Lily had imposed a career plan to make one film a year because she didn’t want to miss seeing Briar and Scout growing up and the constant travel away from London had become too tedious for her, so moving back to the United States worked out for her.

Martin remembered the time he and Lily spent in Santa Barbara and loved it enough to recommend moving there. They found a beautiful house that was big enough for the girls to run around while Martin could create his very own studio. A month later, Jack and Vivien sold their house and also moved to Santa Barbara to be close to Martin, Lily, and the kids.

Shortly after the move, Lily won her third Academy Award for her supporting role in a film called _River Red_. Her career had become more lucrative after her decision to film one movie a year but she began to produce and dance professionally. Young performers saw how good she was and wanted her to choreograph performances for them, so she did. She starred in [ a music video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MAg9E5K3w) for a super band named A Perfect Circle and worked with Jude for her second album.

Meanwhile, Martin had been struck with writer’s block. He spent days looking at a blank sheet of paper. Finally, he called two friends to help with holding him accountable. Once he did that, he tentatively let the words flow and hoped that the words would become songs. It wasn’t long before they began to take shape and Martin had enough songs to call the band to let them know that he had demos ready. 

He then spent the next seven months recording with the band for their next album.

...

After the press conference announcing the album in early 2001; Martin, Andy, Dave, and Sydney got to work on planning the tour. It was so much easier to plan compared to the other tours, which was a relief in itself. However, there was one request that Martin had when it came to one show and while it seemed a little strange at first, no one objected to the request. 

Once the meeting was finished, Martin returned home and went over the logistics with Lily. He also told her of the request he’d made. Lily was taken aback by it and she had questions regarding how it would work, but Martin explained the plan to her. 

A film that Lily had been working on wrapped a week before the band started the tour and although Martin had been teaching Briar how to play a continuous riff on her guitar, he still hadn’t explained why he was teaching her that riff.

...

At nine years old, Briar knew how to play guitar and piano. She was also good at ballet. Scout, at five years old, was almost as good as Briar when it came to playing guitar but had also taken up the violin, drums, and gymnastics. Their personalities were also very different. 

Briar was a sociable child and was friendly to everyone she met. Her teachers always complimented her on how smart and polite she was. Scout was very kind and very gentle, but she was extremely shy and when she spoke sometimes, it was almost a whisper. 

Briar was very protective of her little sister and took her almost everywhere she went. Otherwise, Scout was either playing with her guitar or huddled next to Lily while Briar was playing or performing for the family.

...

The tour was underway when the Towers fell. 

Lily had taken the girls to Toronto in June, Florida in July to celebrate Scout’s sixth birthday, Berlin in early September to celebrate Briar’s tenth birthday with Martin. During the Berlin performance, Briar saw Martin play the guitar riff that had taught her and she was so happy that she told everyone backstage that she knew how to play it as well.

That night, Lily told Martin that she was pregnant again. 

After the show, Lily and the girls stayed in Berlin with Martin for two more days and flew back to California when he went with the band to Hamburg.

The band was in Vienna when they heard about what had happened in New York. Angela was on the tour with Sydney and Andy’s family was in London, but Sydney was devastated because she’d called New York her home for many years. Dave rushed to call Jennifer to make sure that the family was alright. Then, he spoke to her about whether he should perform that night. 

Martin remembered that Lily had told him that she had to fly to New York to handle something and when he realized that he didn’t know where she was, he called her at home in Santa Barbara. 

She answered on the first ring and she sounded rattled, but she reassured Martin that she and the girls were okay. When he asked her about whether she had gone to New York, she told him that she was supposed to have been on her way back from New York that morning. However, Scout had gotten a stomach bug, so she never went to New York

Martin asked if she needed him to come home and she told him no. Her parents were at the house with her and the girls. Towards the end of the call, her voice broke when she told him to be careful and that she loved him. 

When the band performed that night, they tried their best to keep the energy up but they were sad, confused and scared.

...

As things went back to a new normal, the band continued on with the tour and Martin finally gave Briar the news that she would be playing with him during a show in Paris. She was so excited and told everyone in her class that she was going to be playing at a concert. After school, she practiced the riff over and over when she was done with her homework. 

When the night finally arrived, Briar was dressed in an outfit that matched Martin’s, except that she had feathers on both shoulders. Her guitar was a mini version of Martin’s as well. Her eyes were glued to the performance the entire time. 

The band started playing “Enjoy the Silence,” and Sydney told Lily that Briar would be brought on stage during Martin’s solo. Once it was time for Briar to make her on-stage appearance, she was nervous. The lights were still dim so no one could see her take her place alongside Martin. Then, it was time for Martin’s solo. 

The spotlight turned to Martin and Briar as they played the riff, side by side. The audience, who wouldn’t have known that they were witnessing Martin play with his daughter if she wasn’t dressed like him, loved it. 

Meanwhile, Briar had no problems keeping up with her father and mimicking his moves. Dave introduced her as “Little Briar L. Gore,” and that sent the audience into a frenzy. Once Martin went back to playing the original riff, she continued with the solo riff until it was time for Martin to close the song out. Some of the audience gave her a standing ovation and Martin kissed her on the head. Briar loved the attention.

Scout wanted to go on stage and play with the band as well, but Lily told her that she was too young. So, Scout made her mother promise that she would be able to go on stage when she got older, and Lily did. Satisfied, Scout went back to standing against Lily’s leg and jammed her thumb back into her mouth.

When the show was over, Briar wanted to perform with Martin for the rest of the tour. Lily had no problem being the mean parent and telling Briar that she couldn’t because she had to go to school. To Lily’s surprise, Briar was okay with it. She told everyone at school, however, that she was now famous.

...

On March 18th of the following year, Lily gave birth to a boy, whom she and Martin named Reese Leon. He was the only one of their three children that looked like a combination of Martin and Lily. Martin never held any importance on Lily birthing a son for him, but he was curious to see who Reese would take after.

Briar had already gone through becoming a big sister, so she was more subdued when she welcomed Reese. Scout, however, was fascinated and wanted to hold him all the time. Lily felt like her family was finally complete and even though she didn’t have the doctor make it impossible for her to no longer have children, she felt it in her heart that she was done.

A few months later, Lily did a photo shoot with Reese, Scout, Briar, and Martin for _People_. The photos accompanied an interview with Lily about her career and her family. Martin didn’t participate in the interview, but Lily wanted him to be a part of it. Scout took possession of Reese and tried to care for him until Lily had to take him away. 

...

Although Martin still had not subscribed to a religion, he thought it was important that the children were christened. He especially seemed more adamant about it after one of his idols, Frank Tovey, died. Lily had never questioned him when he asked for Briar or Scout to be christened, so she didn’t ask any questions when it came to Reese. 

Their plans never changed but this time, the ceremony was taking place in California and the guest list was expanding by two people. Otherwise, Andy was going to be Reese’s godfather and Jude was going to be Reese’s godmother, and Reese was going to wear the same gown that Lily, Briar and Scout wore at their christenings.

...

Lily stopped by her parents’ house to look for the christening gown because she always gave it back to them after the christenings. She knew that she could have kept it, but she wanted her mother to keep it. 

When she asked about it, her mother said that it was in Jack’s file cabinet and that Jack was in court with a client. So, Lily went into her father’s office and looked through the file cabinets for the gown. 

After Lily found the gown, it was on top of a medium sized box with her name on it. The curiosity got the best of her and she opened it to find forms regarding her school admission and her jobs when she was little. None of that was new, so she almost put the papers back until she noticed the form documenting her name change. She had never changed her name, so she naturally wanted to know more. Then, she regretted her curiosity.

According to her birth certificate, she had been born Olivia Elizabeth Sunshine Stowe Kelly, the daughter of Vivien Kelly and Robert Stowe. Jack and Vivien’s marriage license was dated two years after Olivia was born. Her name was changed to Olivia Elizabeth Sunshine Woodward shortly after the license was issued.

Upon further inspection, Lily noticed that some of the papers were actually letters from Robert’s family to Vivien. All of them were dated back to when Lily was an infant. The author of all of the letters refused to acknowledge Lily, as well as legally have Stowe as her last name. 

Shocked and at a loss for words; Lily put the papers away, grabbed the gown, and left as fast as she could. When she got home, she told Martin and broke down crying.


	21. I Know You Said The End is Near...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily confronts her parents and starts to notice a distance between her and Martin. The band begins to splinter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Lily didn’t realize how she’d never come to the conclusion that the Robert Stowe that had helped create her was the same Bobby Stowe that was a teen heartthrob back in the day. She had so many questions, but he’d died before she was even born. So, she confronted her parents. 

Jack was angry that she’d gone through his stuff, but she quickly shut him down when she told him that she had permission from Vivien to get the christening gown. Then, she demanded answers and she demanded the truth. 

Vivien sighed with resignation and said, “Olivia, I was a young girl. Bobby and I fell in love so quickly and it was all consuming. He proposed two months after we met. Then, he was gone and I wanted to be with him but then, I learned that I was having you and I never thought about not having you.”

“Then why did you change my last name? Why did his family want nothing to do with me? Why did you lie about when you married Dad?” Lily inquired with mounting desperation.

“His father didn’t want to believe that he would have a child out of wedlock and then when he saw you, and that you looked like Bobby...he was full of grief and there was a lot of money in Bobby’s estate. As for your name change, you were born at the height of my career and I knew that you would have so much attention because of me. If you kept Bobby’s last name, it would’ve followed you. You loved your father so much, though. When he was courting me, he was also courting _you_ and you were so curious about him. He let you get away with everything, too. You were calling him ‘daddy’ before we got married.”

Lily wiped her face. “I’m 31 years old. You could have told me this when I was younger and then...both of you accused Martin of making me do things and threatened to take Briar from us. You held it against me that I fell in love with him so quickly, but you never told me this.”

“Olivia,” Jack replied, “I wish we did and I’m sorry that we did that but I think we never told you because as much as Robert helped to make you, you are _my_ daughter. You’re a Woodward.”

“What if his family changes their mind and wants to see me?”

“They’ll have to contact me first,” Vivien asserted. “They don’t have access to you and that was their choice. You are my baby and Jack’s baby. Your children are my grandchildren and Jack’s grandchildren.”

Lily nodded and allowed her parents to hug her, even though she still felt like a part of her was missing. When she got home, she was going to talk to Martin about what had happened, but he was on his way out to his friend’s bar and he didn’t seem interested in talking. So, she let him go and told him that she would talk to him in the morning. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and hurried out the door. 

...

Martin and Lily’s lives in Santa Barbara were a lot more separate than it was in London. She thought it would have changed once the tour was over and Reese was born, but it didn’t. Lily occasionally made two films a year but her career as a dancer, producer and musician had taken off. Meanwhile, Martin was often tinkering in his studio or DJ-ing at his friend’s bar. 

When Martin realized that he was going to do another cover album, he told Lily and spent almost every waking hour recording. He almost missed Reese's first birthday party, and that is when Lily decided enough was enough. She confronted him about the lack of time he was spending with the children so he tried to balance working on the album and spending time with the kids, but he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stop the album from compromising his time. So, Lily spent more time with them to overcompensate for their father’s absence.

It was after Martin’s album was finished and he was planning a small tour that Lily learned that Dave had also been working on an album, so she was suspicious about Martin’s motives for doing his own album. Those suspicions were then pushed out of her mind when Martin asked Lily to come with him for the whole tour. 

Lily was so frustrated and angry with Martin that she turned him down at least five times. He didn’t understand why she was so mad at him and the girls were around more often than they were when they attended school in England, so she felt like she couldn’t completely unload on him. Then, he brought it up in front of Briar, who thought it would be cool to do. Lily wasn't sure if Martin had done that to manipulate her into going or not, but it felt like he had.

The night before they left for Sweden, since the kids were with Jack and Vivien, Lily finally exploded on her husband for leaving her to take care of the children by herself, ignoring her and basically forgetting that he was a married father. He got quiet and defensively said that he’d wanted to work on the album and moving to the United States was partially her idea. Stunned, and not sure who the man she was looking at even was anymore, she lied down in their bed and fell asleep, her back turned to him.

...

They didn’t speak on the way to Stockholm. Lily sat several rows behind Martin and kept herself busy by reading a book and wearing soundproof headphones. Martin read his book and hoped that she would talk to him when the plane landed. 

Her first stop was to get her hair done at a salon. It was now past her shoulders, so the stylist dyed her hair auburn brown, trimmed her ends and straightened her locks to make sure that her hair was at the length that Lily liked. Then, the stylist combed her hair back as if it was wet and then clipped it, directing Lily to take the clip off whenever she was ready. 

Once that was done, Lily went shopping and found a dress that she loved. It was conforming to her body but the bottom flared out as a lace fishtail and the bodice cut across the shoulders. She then found a pair of stilettos that reminded her of the pair she wore to Barcelona almost ten years before. She purchased both and then checked into a separate room from Martin at the hotel. Of course, Martin noticed and asked her about it. Lily’s response was that since they were pretty much living separate lives, separate rooms seemed like a natural progression.

...

On the way to the venue, Martin had a panic attack. He needed Lily to tell him that he wasn’t going to die on-stage and even after she told him that he wouldn’t, he wasn’t okay until he spent about ten minutes with his head on her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and asked him if he wanted to go home. He reluctantly said no, so she did his makeup and when they got out of the limo; he went with Peter and she quietly followed behind them. 

Martin was amenable after a glass of wine and he could perform. He didn’t call attention to Lily, which she appreciated because it was his show, but the light moved towards her when he performed “Sweetest Perfection.” 

She knew what he was doing. She knew it when he decided to play the demo version of it instead of the album version. He was slowly getting her initiated into the performance. He thought she’d been quiet and hiding for too long, so she stepped to the microphone in front of her and sang the harmonies that he’d sung years before with such need. He glanced at her and then turned back to the audience. Once the song was over, Lily took a deep breath and relished in the lights being off of her again.

During “Surrender,” she played guitar in the dark and that was where she was the most comfortable. The mood changed and she let her hips sway while she played. While Martin sang the bridge, Lily slowly swayed her body and moved her hips even though no one else could see, and she finally understood how Dave could enjoy being a front-man.

Both Martin and Lily had their guitars ready for “The Love Thieves,” but Lily felt like she was just on stage as an ornament and she could have watched the show from the sidelines. She sang background vocals, like she had for the album, but when it was time for Martin’s guitar solo; she shrugged off her wrap, played the solo instead of Martin, and started walking slowly towards her husband in her sleek Louboutins. 

The audience didn’t know what to think of the redhead in the sexy dress and sunglasses playing the guitar next to Martin Gore. Then, they decided that it was sexy when she and Martin sang on the same microphone. When the song was over, Martin smiled at her and shook his head as they switched guitars. Before he started on his next song, he kissed her on the cheek and she went to the sidelines.

After the show, they spent the night in Lily’s room, eating takeout and talking. Both of them were too tired to do more than that.

...

Lily had to admit that she got a rush by performing, even if it was for snatches of time. Martin made sure that she wasn’t hiding in the back unless she wasn’t feeling it. Normally, she would be okay by the time she was up to play the guitar for “Surrender.” That’s when Martin noticed that she came alive, not even when she sang during “Sweetest Perfection.” So, he made sure that she was comfortable and she’d had a small glass of bourbon.

There were a few shows when one of the engineers offered up some ecstasy. Lily hadn’t taken it in years and she didn’t know if that was the case with Martin, but he accepted a couple of tabs of it and gave her half of one before the performance. Those performances were electric and she was a lot more present on stage. 

She would dance with Martin during the instrumental solo of “I Cast a Lonesome Shadow,” like they were at a rave. She sang along with Martin during the bridge of “Surrender” besides playing guitar. In Frankfurt, Martin made her perform “In Your Room” and he sang in the background. It was intense as she’d never sang any of his songs before, but she did it and it brought her to tears. 

After the guitar solo during “The Love Thieves” in London, Martin kissed her and then said to the audience, “This is, like, the most beautiful woman on the planet and I’m completely addicted to her.”

No one in the audience had managed to decipher that she was his wife and a star in her own right, more famous than Martin, but they went along with Martin and applauded. Lily, high on ecstasy and the audience’s attention, felt a little selfish and loved that her husband was addicted to her.

At the last tour of the show, Martin brought Briar and Scout on stage. Both girls were shocked to see that their mother also knew how to sing and play guitar. Scout felt safer standing next to Lily, so remained by Lily’s side with her thumb in her mouth. When Lily wasn’t playing, she was running her fingers through her daughter’s hair.

Briar got to sing during “Loverman.” Scout, armed with a microphone that wasn’t turned on, stood next to her mother. Towards the end of the performance, Lily walked Scout next to Martin and he played the guitar just for her. It made the shy child beam with joy.

Stockholm, however, was an exception. After each show, Martin went out with Peter and the others while Lily went back to the hotel. Even when she was on ecstasy, she wanted to go back to the hotel and Martin wanted to DJ or go to a club. So, that's what he did and she was alone. After the Los Angeles concerts, she went back home to Santa Barbara and Martin came back in the morning.

...

After the tour, Lily returned to work on a film with Tom Cruise on the third film in his “Mission: Impossible” series. Tom had wanted to work with her for years and it had never worked out until then. Lily loved the character she was playing, an unassuming, nerdy CIA operative who was working with Ethan Hunt. Tom was nice to work with and he was extremely accommodating. The film took her to Europe and she was able to take the kids with her. Tom loved hanging out with Briar, Scout and Reese, but Lily kept Tom at arm's length when he started talking about Scientology. Otherwise, the movie was fun to shoot and Lily was glad to pull out some of the skills she'd learned for _Free Fire._

...

The drama brewing between Dave and Martin in regards to songwriting was a surprise, especially in the way that Dave was going about it. There was nothing and then, there was a huge media onslaught of Dave on the attack in regards to the band’s dynamic, how upset he was that Martin hadn’t sent him a copy of the album and how Martin didn’t say anything about Dave’s album. Before anyone knew it, the remarks became a full-on war of worlds not too different than Alan’s final statement.


	22. ...The Perfume of All You Adore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Songwriter Showdown intensifies, and an argument between Lily and Martin threatens to destroy everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

A month after filming wrapped for  _ Mission: Impossible III _ , Martin and Lily conceived a fourth child and two months later, Lily had another unexplained miscarriage. Meanwhile, Dave still had not backed off about his issues with Martin and writing songs for Depeche Mode albums. At that point, Martin regressed and said nothing while Andy spoke for him, and Sydney still had not gotten involved. Dave’s shots at Martin were painful, but he took it in and sat with it like he had when Alan left. Lily was having a hard time, but Martin was too wrapped up in his drama with Dave to really notice. So, he drank and drank and continued to avoid Lily and the children.

Then, Dave called Martin out in  _ Rolling Stone _ . 

Martin decided that was it and he was going to end the band. Then, he was going to go to the press about, as he called it, Dave’s “fucked up” behavior towards Lily before his overdose. Sydney stepped in to ensure Martin didn’t end the band, but she didn’t step in before Martin told the press that Dave could go somewhere else if he wasn’t happy. At that point, Sydney called a mandatory meeting in December to discuss the issues within the group.

...

A few weeks before the meeting, Lily and Martin got into a fight about Dave. 

It was a week after Lily’s 34th birthday and she asked Martin if it would be terrible if he allowed Dave to have some songs on the new album. Her husband, who’d been drinking, took offense to the question and thought that she was taking Dave’s side. Lily said that she was only asking Martin to listen to Dave’s songs because they might be good and Martin took that to mean that she was saying that she thought that his songs were bad. 

She tried to explain herself but he screamed that his songs were what paid for the house and his end of their luxurious life. When she tried to get him to calm down and get him to come to bed with her, hoping that he would calm down once he realized that she was offering sex, he snatched Dave’s CD out of her hand and threw it into the fireplace before he walked out and went to his friend’s bar.

He was tipsy when he got to the bar, but that didn’t stop him from getting completely drunk. The bartender on duty asked him if he wanted her to call Lily and he told her not to. _Lily was a traitor_ , he said. About an hour later, a blonde-haired woman walked in and sat down next to Martin, asking for what he was having. She introduced herself as Jessie and started a conversation about music before she flirted with him. 

When Jessie invited him back to her apartment, he showed her his wedding band and said, “I’m married.” 

Then, she told him that she didn’t care, and Martin thought that it seemed a good idea to forget himself in this woman. 

They agreed to go to a hotel and Jessie went to start her car while Martin left a voicemail message for Lily, letting her know that he was staying at a hotel for the night and that he would be home in the morning.

On the way to the hotel, Jessie stopped by a liquor store and bought two bottles of Jack Daniels to make their night complete. She already had a box of condoms and weed in her center console. After checking in, she pushed Martin on the bed, pulled down his pants, and gave him a blow job while he drank the whiskey. It was faster than he preferred, but it did the trick. 

His orgasm felt different. At first, it felt like just a false alarm but then, he had another spasm as he filled her mouth. She obediently swallowed all of his seed and looked at him with hunger in her eyes. The next thing he knew, he was still hard, so she put a condom on him, hiked up her skirt and buried him deep inside of her.

Martin liked how Jessie didn’t even wait until she was nude before having sex, but his mind automatically went to how she wasn’t as good as Lily. He was drunk, but he wasn't drunk enough not to notice that Jessie was pulling him back and forth like she was riding a rocking horse and moaning like she was a porn star.

When he had his second orgasm, he resisted the urge to shove her off of him. Luckily, she moved beside him and started taking off her clothes for "Round Two," but Martin lied and said that he was getting tired. Jessie was fine with that, so she fell asleep and left Martin to deal with his insomnia.

...

Lily woke up and listened to Martin’s message, wondering where he was. She didn’t have time to look for him, though, because she had to get Briar and Scout ready for school. Reese wanted to go with Scout, which had become a normal thing. Scout gave him a kiss on the cheek and promised to let him do her homework. Once the girls went off to school, Lily got Reese ready and they went to the hotel where Martin was staying. 

Martin hadn’t gotten any sleep and he was tottering between drunk and hungover. He and Jessie only had sex once, but she gave him quite a few blow jobs. He stood in the shower for an hour after she fell asleep, grateful for the condoms, and sad that he’d cleaned out the minibar.

When Jessie woke up, she went to take a shower and then got dressed. She and Martin didn’t talk, but he put on his underwear and his eyes focused on the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the coffee table. As Jessie was heading to the door, she smirked and said, “It was always a dream of mine to fuck Martin Gore. It’s good to know that it was everything I imagined.”

Jessie opened the door to the hotel room and walked almost straight into Lily, who was holding Reese. The two women looked at one another for a moment and then, Jessie smirked and laughed at Lily as she walked past. Lily, shielding Reese's face, walked in and closed the door. Martin watched as his wife sat their son down at the desk and gave him a coloring book and crayons. Then, he looked at the clock and murmured, “I was supposed to be home, wasn’t I? I said I’d be home in the morning. Is it still morning? What time is it?”

Lily held back her tears. “11:30. Did you get any sleep, Martin?”

“Not sure. Hmm — intermittent. I walked out and you saw the woman. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Lily whispered, crying.

“Lil, no. Don’t cry.” Martin got out of bed and ran his fingers through her hair. Lily’s eyes fell on the bottle and she had a sudden realization as he hugged her and started to tear up himself, “I’m so sorry.”

She gently disengaged herself from the hug and moved closer to the coffee table. “It’s fine, Martin. I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I can fix this, Lil. We can fix this.”

Lily nodded and her eyes cut to the bottle. Martin noticed it and reached out for it just as she leaned down to take it from him. As he grabbed the bottle and turned to her, the back of his hand connected with her face and she hit the floor. Reese stopped coloring and turned to see what had happened, and Martin dropped the bottle to reach out to his wife. 

She stood up on her own and blinked a few times, a purple and blue bruise under her eye beginning to form and her bottom lip cut and swollen. He was so out of it, he hadn’t realized that he had hit her with the hand with all of his rings on it. 

When he tried to hug her, she took a step back and said, “Honey, you’re tired. You said it yourself, you don’t know for sure if you’ve gotten any sleep. So, I’m going to take Reese and go home while you sleep it off. We’ll talk later.”

Martin tried to hand her the bottle and Lily shook her head, which caused her to wince. Then, he watched as she put Reese's coloring book and crayons back into her bag and picked him up. The toddler frowned and touched Lily’s face. “Mama hutt?”

She smoothed Reese's curls and headed to the door. Martin looked at her and she smiled tersely at him. “We’ll talk later.”

...

The first thing Lily could think of doing when she got home was to call her best friend. She called Jude and asked her to come. She told Jude everything, including her plans. Jude comforted her and volunteered to take the children for a few days. Lily decided to keep Reese with her, since she had spent so little time with him.

Martin returned home six hours after Lily had left the hotel. He was almost completely sober and had taken a shower, and was expecting to see Kenzie and Briar doing their homework. Instead, it was just Lily at the dining room table, her face bruised. He sat his jacket on the console and said, “Where are the kids?”

“Scout and Briar are with Jude. Reese is taking his nap. I needed to talk to you and I couldn’t do that with the kids here.”

He nodded. “I get the feeling that this isn’t going to be the kind of talk that ends in sex.”

Lily shook her head.

“Can you come here so I can see how bad it is?”

She reluctantly got up from her chair and walked over to Martin, who gently examined her face. When their eyes met, he whispered his apology against her lips and kissed her. Instead of kissing him back, she moved her face away and he let her go. Then, she stepped back and said, “Martin, I think you have a drinking problem.”

Immediately, his demeanor changed and he didn’t want to hear it. He shook his head, but Lily continued. “Every time you’ve slept with someone else during our relationship, alcohol was involved and I didn’t realize it until this morning. I’ve tried to curb your drinking before and failed, but I didn’t notice that you’re almost a completely different person when you’re drunk.”

“I’m a different person on ecstasy, too, but I don’t see you telling me I have a drug problem. Or is that because you like it when I’m on one? Hell, you like it when  _ you’re  _ on one because you like the way it feels when we fuck.”

“When was the last time you’ve taken ecstasy, Martin? When was the last time I’ve taken it? You think that this is just me complaining, but Alan’s said the same thing. Dave has said the same thing,” Lily argued.

“Right, and we all know how you take Dave seriously,” Martin muttered.

“You walked out on me, got drunk, checked into a hotel with another woman and cheated on me. Then, you were so drunk that you hit me when I was reaching for the bottle. I know that it was an accident, but what if I was holding Reese? What if  _ you  _ were holding Reese?”

“Lily, it was a mistake. I won’t do it again. I promise I won’t,” he insisted.

She shook her head. “I can’t take that chance, not anymore. I packed some of your clothes and put the bags in your studio. If it was just you and me…”

“Lily, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you have to leave and you can’t come back until you stop drinking. I can’t risk you being around the kids.”

“They’re my children, too, Lily. You can’t keep them from me. I will fight you for them if I have to,” Martin warned.

“I will talk to the girls about why you’re not here and I hope that we’ll be able to share custody without having the courts interfere. If we do have to go to court, I will ensure that your visits are supervised because you -- .”

“So, you’d go straight to your father and tell him whatever you’d need to so you’d get your way?”

Lily approached him and stared unflinchingly. “No. I wouldn’t need to because you’ll fuck this up all by yourself. Martin, I’ve allowed you to do a lot of things to me, but this was the final straw. It’s either me or the alcohol, the children or the alcohol.”

They stared at one another for a couple of minutes and just as Lily thought that he was going to relent, he walked past her and went into the studio. Then, he came back into the living room with his bags and guitar, on his phone with a cab company. She looked at him, wondering how he could choose anything other than his family, but he acted like she was no longer there.

Stunned and heartbroken, she turned her attention to Reese as soon as she noticed him standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Before Martin could see him, she picked their son up and brought him into their bedroom, where she laid down on the bed with Reese and cried. The toddler was silent and laid next to Lily, patting her on the shoulder occasionally while Martin took his things and left.

...

After not seeing one another for a little over a year; Martin, Andy and Dave arrived in London and went straight to the Mute Records office. Although the original plan was to meet in Paris, Sydney decided to change the venue to the Mute office after her promotion to co-owner.

The atmosphere was tense, especially since Sydney was infuriated. The first thing she said was that she couldn’t believe how ungrateful Dave was and how easy it was for him to spill his guts and talk about “family business” to the press. She then tore into him over his threat to leave the band and Martin’s willingness to let him leave.

Once the negotiation began over the amount of songs Dave was going to have on the album, Sydney spent a week refusing them. This, she said, was Dave’s punishment for being insolent. It didn’t matter that Martin and Dave had reached an agreement. It didn’t matter that Martin only had five songs written. Sydney was not only their manager, but co-owner of the label. It was only after Andy spoke with her that she finally let up and the band finally started working on Dave’s songs. During that talk, Andy also told Sydney that Martin and Lily’s marriage was pretty much over.

When the new producer came into the picture, it felt like new life had been injected into the band. At the same time, Martin’s time was compromised because he would come in drunk and only get worse, and that was if he didn’t come in completely depressed. That atmosphere continued throughout the press tour and it was the first time in a long time that Sydney considered resigning her position as the band’s manager.


	23. To Be Consumed Again...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The separation takes a toll on Martin. Lily makes a huge pivot in her career.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Depeche Mode or their songs. Some of the people, locations, dates, concerts, songs and events are real, but this is purely a work of fiction.

Lily made the choice to tell Scout and Briar about the separation by herself, and it was very hard. Briar burst into tears and demanded a better explanation. When Lily repeated the explanation she’d originally given, Briar then demanded that Lily change her mind. Lily refused, so Briar stormed off to her room and locked the door. Scout had nothing to say. She just nodded and stuck her thumb in her mouth. 

An hour later, Scout asked if she would still be able to play with Martin during his tour. Lily reassured that she would. She then approached Lily and touched the bruises on her face. “Is Dadda gone because he kept drinking the bad stuff?”

Lily kissed Scout on the forehead and told her to do her homework. Without any further questions, Scout went into the dining room and started on her coursework for the day. Then, Lily got up and checked in on Reese, who was asleep again, before going to Briar’s room and knocking on her door. Briar opened the door and Lily came into the room, pushing the door up behind her. 

In the simplest and most vague way, she explained to her oldest daughter why she and Martin had decided to go their separate ways. She did not mention the bruises or Martin’s affairs. However, Briar was a daddy’s girl and she wanted to hear his side. Lily didn’t mind being the bad parent, so she refused that request. Briar threatened never to talk to her again. Lily told Briar that she was completely fine with that and left her daughter’s room so she could make dinner. 

...

Martin started looking for a new house during the making of the album. Once he found and bought one that was only a few miles from Lily and the kids, the first thing he did was have a studio built into it. Sydney got him in touch with an interior decorator who furnished the house the way that Martin envisioned it. Once the album was completed, the house was ready for Martin to move in.

He scheduled picking up his things from the house when Briar and Scout were at school so it wouldn’t upset them. He would play with Reese and sometimes, Lily would be there. Otherwise, it would be Jude or Vivien. 

On a day when Lily was at the house, it was after an interview where Martin was drunk. Lily wasn’t angry, but she had sat divorce papers on his chair in the studio. When he saw them, he went in search of his wife and found her in the kitchen. “What is this?”

“Divorce papers. They’re pretty straightforward. I’m not asking for any spousal support and I’m assuming that you won’t, either. I’ve also assumed that we’re going to keep our own assets and share legal and joint custody of the kids. Did you have any objections? Did you want the house?”

“Why are you serving me with divorce papers, Olivia?”

Lily sighed. “You said that our marriage was a mistake because you were in the middle of a divorce. We weren’t in the middle of a divorce. We were separated but _now_ , we’re in the middle of a divorce.”

“You’re being difficult.”

She folded her arms across her chest. “No, I’m following your lead. You chose alcohol over your family and ever since then, you’ve been making yourself out to be the victim. Meanwhile, I’ve said nothing. I haven’t gone to the press. I haven’t told my father. Hell, I haven’t even told the kids everything. But _you_ have told quite a lot of people and even then, it’s been a lie.”

Martin sat down at the kitchen island. “So, are we getting divorced or are we just separated?”

“Are you still drinking?”

“Olivia, I don’t have a drinking problem.”

She stared at him and then lowered her head. “Then, we’re getting divorced. I can’t keep doing this with you. I can’t.”

He stood up and snatched the papers off the table. “Thanks for letting me know. Fuck you very much, Olivia.”

...

The first time that Martin had the kids at his new house was after Scout's 10th birthday. Briar told Martin that she’d missed him. Scout, who was a far better guitar player than Briar now, asked Martin to play with his guitars. Reese wanted Martin to pick him up. He loved having the children with him, but he missed Lily. 

Despite himself, he called her and invited her over. She turned him down, but he convinced her that the kids would be happier if she was there with him. About thirty minutes later, she rang his doorbell and he welcomed her in. Reese had gone to sleep by then, but Briar was happy to see her parents together and Scout was silently curious. 

Later that night, after all the kids had gone to bed, Martin took Lily on a tour of his new home. When they were in the studio, she looked around and said that it was beautiful. He smiled and replied, “Well, I needed a new workspace. You know, the whole house is big enough for _all_ of us, Lil.”

She turned to look at him and sighed. “Martin, we need to...there’s so much that…”

He shook his head. “Not tonight, Lil. Tonight, right now, it’s just you and me.”

“Martin…”

Their lips met and they were kissing, falling back into their same old dynamic. When his lips trailed down her neck, he murmured that the room was soundproof and that he needed her, that they needed this. She remained silent as he brought her over to the sofa and laid her down, lifting her dress and pushing her panties to the side. The moment he put his mouth on her, she gasped and whispered, “Oh, fuck.”

He worshipped her in a way that only he knew how, pausing briefly to pull her panties completely off. Then, he returned to his ministrations until she was shivering. Not too long after, her body tensed as her orgasm rushed through her. Martin then took a moment to take off his pants and when he was done, he sank into her and began to move. 

It wasn’t slow and it didn’t resemble anything close to making love. She tangled her fingers in his hair and moved alongside him. She was home. Her kisses, her body, her touch, the way she moaned. Every part of her felt like home to him and it had for almost fifteen years. That made him question if getting drunk was worth losing that. 

They reached their orgasms at the same time and while they were coming down. Martin kissed Lily’s neck and chuckled. “The irony that we’re on a sofa is really hilarious.”

Lily moved from underneath Martin and straightened out her clothes. “I shouldn’t have come here tonight. All this does is make things confusing for the kids.”

“I know, but it was my fault. You can blame me.”

She turned to look at him and said, “You once told me that you’d always want me and Briar. Of course, this was before Scout and Reese were born, but you said that you’d always want us when I asked you what would happen when you decided that you didn’t want us anymore. Then, you decided that you didn’t want us anymore. Now…”

“Lil, I never stopped wanting you and the family.”

“I told you that it was either the alcohol or me. You left. You’re still drinking. You signed the divorce papers. You didn’t choose me and you didn’t choose the kids.”

“Lil, I know that there are a lot of things we still need to address but tonight, can you just be mine?”

Lily wiped her face and held out her hand for Martin to take. He then led her to his bedroom and the en-suite bathroom, where they had a warm bubble bath. Afterwards, Lily put on one of Martin’s t-shirts and they made love for hours. The next morning, Lily woke up with Briar asleep beside her and Scout tucked right next to her. Martin was making breakfast with Reese, but Lily decided to go home. Neither Briar or Scout wanted her to leave, but Lily wanted them to spend time with Martin before he went on tour. That was the last time he saw his wife for a while.

...

The tour was more emotionally taxing on Martin than he thought it would be. Knowing that his wife and children were not in the audience or on the sidelines, he would get drunk and during some of his performances, he would cry. He cried during “Precious.” He cried during “A Question of Lust.” He allowed himself to be vulnerable, and his vulnerable side wanted to cry.

During one concert, he decided to play “Blue Dress” and he couldn’t stop smiling because he could only think about Lily in the dress she wore in Milan before he even knew her name. The thought made him fumble the words just a little, but that was the effect she had on him. 

When he decided to give up drinking, it was sudden. He woke up one morning and realized that he couldn’t keep doing it. So, he stopped. It was hard, very hard. He wanted a drink all the time, but he drank water and juice. Even soda became interesting to him. He didn’t tell Lily about his choice to stop drinking, though. Part of it was because he hardly saw her and part of it was because he didn’t want her to gloat.

...

After spending the night with Martin in August, _Variety_ announced that Lily was no longer filming one movie per year. She immediately signed on to do two movies that were close to home and then, her agent contacted her about a recurring role on a hit medical series that had the option of becoming a regular role. Lily had done a brief return to _General Hospital_ the year before, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to do television full time. What won her over was the fact that she would be able to have a regular schedule and not be away from her kids for months on end.

She auditioned for the role and accepted it on the condition that she completed the films first and then started on the show. The show-runner agreed to the terms, especially because Lily volunteered to be paid very little, and Lily went to work. 

She didn’t wrap her films until shortly before Reese’s fourth birthday. She returned home briefly for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she celebrated her 35th birthday with the kids, but she pretty much worked non-stop otherwise. Vivien and Jack brought the kids to the set during their break and they talked about seeing Martin, but he was also busy with being on tour. 

Lily took a month off and then started work on the television series in May. The second season had already finished up so her character Dr. Charlie Sloan would not appear until the end of the third season. She was a little nervous coming into an established show, but the cast was very welcoming and she became friends with everyone very quickly. 

Then, Martin called her.

It was a surprise, but not a surprise at the same time. When he spoke to her, it felt like they had spoken the day before. He seemed different and she couldn’t tell what it was, but she was happy to hear from him. Then, he asked if the family would be available in June because the band was going to be playing at a festival, and he was hoping that Scout would be able to play. Lily didn’t hesitate to say that she would be.

Towards the end of May, she decided to take the kids to Atlantic City to see their father. Except, Briar didn’t want to see him. She asked Lily to stay with her grandparents. Lily agreed and decided to have Reese stay behind as well. So, Scout and Lily flew to Atlantic City. Lily called Sydney ahead of time so she didn’t run into any of Martin’s girlfriends, but she also knew that anything could happen.

Lily and Scout spent the whole day together. They ate at a fancy restaurant and Scout told Lily about school. Then, Lily took Scout shopping. Right before showtime, they arrived backstage and when Martin saw Scout, his eyes got wide just like hers did when she wanted to cry. Scout threw her arms around Martin’s waist and said, “Dadda!”

Martin kneeled down and kissed his second-born on the cheek and the forehead. She then told him about school and showed him a picture that Briar took of Scout holding her guitar. He smiled when he saw it and told her that he was so proud of her. That made Scout smile and then, he asked Sydney to watch Scout while he spoke with Lily.

When he approached her, she whispered, “Briar had a lot of homework and Reese is still too young, so they’re with my parents.”

Martin nodded. “Briar didn’t want to come, did she?”

Lily shook her head. “I tried to get her to come and she refused. Scout’s so excited to see you play tonight, though. She’s better at the guitar than Briar now.”

“I never thought that Scout would be that into guitars. Go figure.”

“Martin, are you drunk? Have you been drinking tonight?”

Martin shrugged. “Other than water and Gatorade, no. Congratulations on your new job, by the way. I never thought that you’d go back to television.”

“Things change,” she whispered.

“You’re right. They do. I’m about to go on. See you after the show.”

Lily nodded and watched as Martin went onstage. He seemed high energy and the show went well. Once it was over, Scout gave Martin a hug and Lily said her goodbye to him. 

...

That June, Lily took Briar, Scout, and Reese to London for the festival. Scout had to go through a fitting for her outfit, which was almost very similar to Briar’s outfit for the previous tour except that it was red in contrast to Martin’s black outfit. Then, Martin gave her a top hat for the night and Lily put some eyeliner and eye shadow on her. 

Scout was still extremely shy so instead of her coming from the sidelines, she was on-stage near Martin while Lily stood on the side. When it was time for Martin’s solo, she turned to face the audience and played alongside her father with the guitar he'd had before he'd met Lily. It appeared like they were dueling with their guitars and even though they weren't, the audience was fascinated by how she could keep up with Martin’s finger work. 

During Dave’s dedication, Scout smiled and after the audience said Martin and Scout’s last name, she looked up at her father and said, “Dadda, that’s you. They all _know_ you.”

He looked down at her and smiled, surprised that his daughter still did not understand that he was famous. Like her sister years before, she continued to play the solo while Martin returned to the original riff and when the song was over, he took off her hat and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Sophie, that was for you. They do know me, but now they know you too.”


	24. From Me To You

11/28/2020:

Hello, everyone:

If you've been reading this fic fairly consistently, you've probably noticed that I've made a lot of changes. That was not my intention, but I found that I am changing things often and I am secretly a perfectionist. There are pieces in this puzzle that I no longer enjoy having in there anymore. There are also pieces that I took out and miss having.

That said, the fic will be under construction for a time and there will not be any new updates. I do apologize for the inconvenience, but I want to make this perfect for me and for all of you.


	25. I'm Back

02/01/2021:

Hello, everyone:

I hope that you all had a good holiday season. Mine's was surprisingly nice, given the pandemic and things here in the US. With that said, I am back.

If you notice, the first three chapters have been updated. This will continue to be ongoing, so please be patient with me. I hope to be done with updating them in the next few weeks so in March (or hopefully before that), new chapters will be posted.

For anyone that is still here, thank you so much for your patience. I appreciate it so much. This project was not intended to be as big as it is now and it was sparked from an image in my head. Now, I am twenty-three chapters in and who knows what else is going to come out of my head?


End file.
